


Peach

by ImpishFics



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Coming of Age, Han Jisung | Han-centric, Hand Jobs, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Mentioned NCT Ensemble, Mentioned Other K-pop Artist(s), Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Recreational Drug Use, Semi-Public Sex, Stray Kids Ensemble - Freeform, Underage Drinking, Unrequited Love, summer before college, weed lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:48:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 45,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23152021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImpishFics/pseuds/ImpishFics
Summary: This all feels practiced, easy.It’s easy to tug Changbin on top of him, easy to drag his shirt until it comes untucked from his jeans so he can slide his hands underneath the fabric, easy to lean in first.Changbin can be loud, but here, sometimes, when it’s just them, just like this, he can be shy. Jisung’s shy other places, but here, with whatever there is between them, Jisung isn’t afraid to take risks. So Jisung leans in first, captures Changbins lips in a kiss that’s more of a greeting than anything: a precursor so he can open up for him, so they can open up for each other, sucking and licking as Jisung fumbles with the buttons on Changbins fancy shirt.ORThere's one summer left. Jisung has one summer left before everything changes and it aches within him.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Seo Changbin
Comments: 73
Kudos: 258
Collections: SKZ Fuckfest





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> PSA [CONTRIBUTE PLEASE BLM](https://moreblminfo.carrd.co/)
> 
> Disclaimer: all characters in this fic engaging in sexual activity are of legal consenting age in the state(s) this fic takes place in! These characters aren't super versed in sex, and exploring that is a big part of this fic. 
> 
> This was for prompt number 18 "A & B are best friends who, after a certain incident, turn into best friends with benefits. As time passes by, though, they start developing feelings for each other." Boy, did I take some liberties with this one, prompter I hope you are okay with it.
> 
> Thank you to the mods, whom I now owe a life debt.
> 
> UPDATE as of 9/8/2020 all mention of Woojin have been replaced with Jaehyun let me know if I missed one. Believe victims.

Jisung’s neck is prickling. He can feel the sun on the back of his neck, can feel it start to burn, feel the uncomfortable way the tag of his poly blend work polo is pressing against it. There’s sweat building at his hairline that will drip down and cool it. He directs the next car down to the Lewis lot, and he can already see one of the newer kids waving it over, jumping a little. 

There's a short lull, so Jisung makes his way to the gate where Minho and Yeri are scanning patrons’ parking passes and directing them towards where Jisung and Chaeyoung are standing, but right now, with no one there, they are just leaning against the gate. Both of them are huddled under the small amount of shade provided by the austentatious columns of the gate. None of them are allowed to sit on the job; they do a lot of leaning. 

“Do you have sunscreen?” Yeri glances up and him and rolls her eyes in challenge. 

“You know I have sunscreen. I hate when you do this. Just ask for the sunscreen.” 

“I'm polite.” Jisung bats his eyes.

“You're a sewer rat.” 

“Can I, perchance use some?” Jisung is pretty sure Minho is hiding a smile behind his clipboard. Yeri rolls her eyes like this is the most burdensome moment of her life.

“I’ll kill you if you use the spf-seventy. That stuff is pricey.” 

Jisung gives her a mock solute - which finally makes her lips quirk up - before wandering to the fence where they all put their bags. They don’t have lockers or anything since it's all outside, so they all just hang their backpacks on the blue painted iron fence on the perimeter near the handicap section. 

Jisung waves to Jeno as he passes and Jeno enthusiastically waves back, they always joke that Jeno’s the only nice person working in the lot. He’s like a golden retriever; it makes all the old grandmas coo at him, is one of the reasons he’s perfect to work the handicap section. Jisung picks out Yeri’s purple drawstring bag and digs around inside. She has a small bounty of sunscreen. She says it’s because she’s picky, but Jisung knows this is her weird way of looking out for them. He avoids the spf-seventy in the fancy glass jar (who even puts sunscreen in a glass jar?), and grabs a tube of spf fifty-five to rub on the back of his neck and face. 

It’s still early in the season. Last year, he got a wicked burn early on, let it peel and get nasty, and then he didn't have to wear sunscreen the rest of the season. Yeri, Changbin, and Minho all say it’s bullshit but it just happens: get an early burn and then no more burn for the summer, it’s always been like that. But then Jisung’s mom had a weird spot on her leg that turned out to be cancerous. It got removed, it wasn't a big deal, but now Jisung wears sunscreen. 

He goes back to his spot shouting his thanks to Yeri, and talks with Chaeyoung a bit about people who still play Pokemon Go until five hits and the cars become too regular for much real conversation. He parks a car, a bright blue classic ford convertible from the 1960s next to one of the new Tesla’s and tries to catalogue everything he likes about them. He’s not a car guy. His dad sort of is, but he lives ninety minutes away and drives a honda civic, so it doesn’t really matter anyway. Jisung doesn’t need to be a car person to think they look nice, to like the sounds they make when their engines rev, to want to drive one like this someday. 

He thinks about why he likes these two. With the smooth lines of the Tesla, everything feels natural, the slopes and curves make sense, but he finds himself drawn towards the boldness of the Ford. How blue it is, it sticks out from every other car on the Bart. It’s a statement - a strong one. He likes a lot about it: the shine of the chrome on the tires, the tiny round side mirrors, the way the name glitters - on the side of the car, not the back - in elegant silver script: _The Sunliner_. 

The owner gets out. He’s old maybe sixty something but with a full head of hair and wrinkles from years in the sun and laughing too much. He smiles at Jisung. Jisung smiles back and waves. The driver goes around and helps his passengers out from the white leather of the backseat, sneaking a kiss from the equally wrinkled and grey woman in the passenger seat. She laughs at him and says something to their friends. It all kind of looks like an ad for arthritis medication, so Jisung looks back at the car. It's somewhere between aquamarine and robin’s egg blue. 

He decides the Sunliner is his favorite just in time to move down the line and park the next (far less cool) car. 

By the time he gets off, it’s 7:00, and he can hear the strings of the concert starting. The sun is still shining. It’s June 17th - not the longest day yet - and he has hours till dark. The whole night stretches before him, a whole summer. One summer. The last summer. He needs to be higher and wearing a less itchy shirt if he wants to think like that. 

Jisung turns the corner and walks past all the slow moving cars induced by traffic. He doesn’t envy Minho, stuck back at the lot explaining to patrons that it’s full, and they can go to public parking if they wish. Jisung had been stuck at that job with one of their old supervisors often last summer when others got to go home, but then that supervisor made a few less than appropriate comments about the way Jisung’s twiggy seventeen year old legs looked in khakis, and didn't come back for another summer. Now Minho and Yeri are co- supervisors of the ‘B’ shifts, and Yuta, who might be a college drop out, manages the ‘A’ shifts. 

When Jisung takes the turn onto Maple, avoiding the tree roots that disrupt the concrete sidewalk, he isn't surprised to see Changbin’s grey Toyota Corolla parked under the snowing tree halfway down the street. He's not surprised, but he wasn’t expecting it. They hadn’t talked about it, but sometimes - maybe three times a week - Changbin will meet him after work along Jisung’s walk home without warning. 

They’ll go to Changbin’s house and play pool in his game room and watch youtube compilations in surround sound, they’ll go to the trail and smoke Changbin’s weed, they’ll go to Jisung’s house and play the first call of duty black ops, the one with zombies, they’ll go to lake and pass a blunt back and forth in the sand, they’ll go to Seungmin’s aunt’s diner and tease him where he works behind the counter refilling coffee and bringing people food. Sometimes they’ll just drive. They go. They go and sometimes Jisung will end up jacking Changbin off in the woods, or end up with Changbin on top of him on his twin bed, or once the sun sets with his knees slowly sinking into the sand as he blows Changbin right there on the beach. 

Jisung hops in the passenger side and tosses his drawstring bag in the back seat next to empty Body Armour bottles and two duffle bags, one with recording equipment and one full of gym clothes. 

“You look like a drug smuggler with two plain green duffle bags in your backseat,” Jisung says as he buckles his seatbelt.

“You look like you work on a golf course.” 

Jisung knows he’s right so he just sticks his tongue out at him, in the process he gets his first real look at Changbin all day. His job doesn’t require him to wear a scratchy polo or embarrassing khaki shorts, at least not anymore. There was a time, two summers in a row where Changbin worked in the lot with Jisung and everyone else, where he sweated with them and bitched about guests with them and looked even dumber in his stupid khakis than them, but he doesnt anymore. No, now he’s got a fancy paid internship on the other side of the park, working in production, hanging out with the sound mixers and fancy hired sound designers of the artists, and two days out of the week driving the company vans that pick up artists from the airport. 

His job doesn’t make him wear a polo. He just has to look nice, and he does. He's wearing a black short sleeve button up tucked into black pants, his doc martens poking out the bottom, his gold cross necklace where a tie should be. Changbin doesn’t even believe in god. He’s about three more chains away from being a tumblr boy, and he’s wearing all black in the middle of summer. That would kill Jisung, but it doesn’t matter, because Changbin works inside with air conditioning and cold water from coolers. But today he looks slightly different; he's got big silver aviator sunglasses that he didn’t have yesterday. They practically scream money and self importance.

He looks hot at hell. Jisung kind of wants to jump him. After he teases the shit out of him. 

“You look like a wanna be Vin Diesel,” Jisung says, already laughing a little.

“Literally shut up,” Changbin says, and Jisung can feel it in his core that he’s rolling his eyes under those sunglasses, “I think I look nice.” 

“You look like a Pan-am pilot who got dragged through a hot topic,” Jisung says, still snickering. 

Changbin laughs with him. Changbin and him had to watch all of Pan-am together freshman year and write about it for extra credit. Jisung was obsessed with the vintage look. He still likes it, but Changbin preferred the espionage aspects. Jisung can’t tell if Changbin is cracking up from his joke or just the memories of the show, of that weekend in Jisung’s dad’s basement. 

“Fuck you,” Changbin says, pushing the sunglasses onto his head to wipe at his eyes, still smiling too wide, “they were a gift.” 

“From who?” Jisung asks, they look nice, maybe even ray-ban brand. Changbin adjusts his mirrors and smiles at his own reflection. Jisung watches him. 

“From Chan.” Yeah that explains it; Chan’s pretty loaded. “He says it’s nice to have a good pair for when you’re driving the artists around, makes you look more professional.”

“So he bought you some?” Jisung asks incredulously. 

Changbin shrugs. “He’s just like that; really generous. He buys smoothies for the other interns a lot.”

“A Jamba smoothie is not a pair of sunglasses.” 

Changbin rolls his eyes and slides the sunglasses back down onto his nose. 

“Admit it! Admit it!” Jisung chants, this is old hat for them, Jisung poking and prodding at Changbin about Chan, but Changbin stays steadfast. 

“I admit nothing,” Changbin says putting the car in drive and pulling away. “Wanna go to Min’s? He’s working right?” He’s already navigating towards there anyway. 

“Yeah he’s working.” Jisung doesn’t even have to look at the schedule Seungmin posted in their group chat to know. “Hey do you have a sweatshirt or something?” Jisung says tugging at the collar of his polo, Changbin snorts. 

“Are you still trying to get in his pants?” Changbin’s eyes are on the road but his smile is full of mirth. Jisung can’t help but smile too.

“Well I haven’t succeeded yet so yeah,” Jisung giggles. Honestly, trying to fuck Kim Seungmin is kind of a death wish, but in a fun way. It’s like cliff diving or skydiving, regular humans should not attempt but it’s worth it for the thrill. It’s not that Seungmin is a prude, he’s hooked up with people at parties and has a few exes of his own, but Jisung is Jisung. Jisung is a mess, a mess full of corny lines, bad innuendos and a purposefully cringey amount of winking. Jisung didn’t even like Seungmin like that, but that didn’t stop him from wanting to be with him just for the thrill. 

“I think there's some clean stuff in my gym bag.” Jisung looks back at the larger of the two duffles. “Take a look.” Jisung unbuckles himself and stretches across the console until just his knees are on the passenger seat. “What the fuck Jisung,” Changbin says as the younger manages to get the bag unzipped. 

“Why do you have so many shirts without sleeves?” Jisung asks instead, ignoring the question. 

“Because I know I look hot in them,” Changbin replies.

“Working out has made you too powerful,” Jisung huffs. He finds a normal, un-maimed black t-shirt, but keeps digging, seeing all his options. “Old Changbin wouldn’t say that.” 

One rough, warm hand made itself known on the back of Jisung’s thigh where his shorts have ridden up in his search. “The old Changbin also wouldn’t suck your dick. Are you so sure you miss him?” Changbin says, accenting it with a squeeze to Jisungs thigh, right under his butt. 

Jisung wiggles his butt a little to dislodge it but that seems to only encourage Changbin. “Hands on the wheel,” Jisung says as he finally finds a pair of black jeans that look clean enough, “I’m not wearing my seatbelt.” Changbin takes his hand off and Jisung flops back into his seat with his prizes. “You’re gonna get me killed.” 

“You’re the one who chose to take off his seat belt instead of just waiting till the car was stopped.” 

Jisung doesn’t respond. Instead, he turns up the Brockhampton playing through the stereo and slips off his sneakers. 

Jisung looks around before unbuckling his shorts and bringing his knees up awkwardly in the tight space to get them off. He tugs off his polo next, and catches Changbin staring. He smacks Changbin’s chest with the polo, shouting, “Eyes on the road, perv!” 

Changbin looks back to the road, and Jisung feels a little proud of the blush on his cheeks. His scrawny body did that. 

“How am I the pervert? I’m not the one engaging in public nudity right now!” Changbin says, defensive. 

Jisung tucks his socked feet into the bottom of the skinny jeans. He and Changbin are different sizes, so they’re a bit big, but skinny jeans are still skinny jeans, and still a bitch to put on. 

“I'm not nude, I have underwear on. And all these people know is that I'm shirtless. Maybe we just got back from the beach?” The car slows to a stop for a red light and Changbin looks over at Jisung again. Jisung lets him without comment; it's flattering after all. Jisung gets the jeans past his knees and pulls them up, up over his thighs easily, before awkwardly thrusting up to scoot them up over his ass. 

“We could always go to the beach, you know, before the diner,” Changbin says, still looking at Jisung’s shirtless chest. 

Jisung knows what that means. That’s code for _we could go to the beach no one goes to, park my car in the shady part of the lot and make out._ Jisung looks up. “Light’s green”.

Changbin turns his eyes back to the road and keeps driving. Jisung zips and buttons the pants. They’re loose, especially in the thighs and waist, but they have more crotch room than he’s used to, which is nice. Maybe he should size up his pants. 

He slips the t-shirt over his head and contemplates whether or not to tuck it. He decides against it, but isn’t confident in his decision. Changbin is nearing the turn he would have to take to get to the beach. Jisung speaks up, “Maybe after.” When Changbin pouts he continues, “I just really want some hashbrowns right now.” 

“Fu-huck,” Changbin moans, “hashbrowns sound so good right now.” 

“Right?” 

“You’re so right. God, what was I thinking?” 

They both laugh at that. That's something what’s nice about whatever Changbin and Jisung are doing, he’s still Changbin, and he’s still an idiot. Jisung tugs his shoes back on and buckles his seatbelt for the next two minutes of the ride before they’re pulling into the parking lot of Kim’s Diner. It’s been around forever, presumably owned by a woman named Kim at some point, but the Kim family bought it from the old owners in 1996 and kept the name. Kim’s Diner serves traditional American food with a few Korean dishes. Even if it wasn’t owned by Seungmin’s aunt or Seungmin didn't work there, it would probably be their regular spot for good cheap food anyway. Somewhere you could get kimchi jjigae and a burger combo platter - or _both_ \- for under fifteen bucks was a blessing. 

Jisung has to pull up his pants twice on the way to the door, but stops adjusting once they get inside. They walk up to the hostess stand where Chaeryoung is reading. She looks up, and before they can say anything, she shouts, “Seungmin your friends are here! What table do you want me to send them to?”

Seungmin’s head pops up from the cook’s window where he must be dropping off orders. “Number seven. I’ll be there soon!” 

Chaeryoung points at the booth in question before she goes back to her book, something with a yellow and blue cover. Jisung and Changbin make their way over, sitting on opposite sides of the vinyl booths. 

Jisung looks at the menu even though he doesn’t really need to. It’s nice to look at it though, comforting to see the same font and faded pictures. Even the specials stay the same here, just have different days of the week, clearly labeled on the menu. Changbin checks his phone while Jisung inspects the children section. Would Seungmin let him order the chicken tenders? He always said he acted like he was nine years old. Would that extend to ordering privileges?

Seungmin walks over and pulls a small notepad and golf pencil from the pocket of his yellow apron. During school, Seungmin only ever used bic brand .07 lead mechanical pencils, but they aren’t in school anymore. They aren't going to be in school together ever again. 

Seungmin is going out west. He has family there, and a future. But all that starts in September and it’s summer for now. During summer, every summer for the last three years, Seungmin has traded soft t-shirts and sweaters for a white collared shirt with the purple embroidered logo of Kim’s Diner, and a yellow apron. 

Seungmin doesn’t _have_ to work. It’s not his parent’s diner, they don’t force him to work in order to see his friends, but he does it anyway. Jisung wants to know why. Maybe someday he’ll ask. Until then, he’ll do this. 

“What’s up guys? What do you want?” Seungmin is ready, pencil hovering over the pad. 

“Are you on the menu?” Jisung bats his eyelashes at Seungmin, who rolls his eyes and huffs in a way that could either be exasperated or fond. Knowing Seungmin, it’s probably the former. 

“You’ve said that one before.” One of Seungmin’s pretty hands has migrated to his hip in a classic dad stance. 

“I'm an environmentalist; I believe in recycling.” Jisung throws in a wink, not because he thinks it will work, but because he’s a performer and it amps up the camp. 

“That's not recycling, that's reusing,” Seungmin says. Jisung blinks, processing that. “But honestly, I’d rather you reduce instead.” 

“Ouch,” Changbin hisses from across the table, but his ankle knocks against Jisung in a show of support. Or maybe to show his condolences. Either way it’s welcomed. 

“Are you guys actually gonna order?” 

“Two orders of hashbrowns please,” Changbin says. Seungmin scribbles it down onto his pad. 

“Anything else?” 

“Dr. Pepper and a Diet Coke,” Jisung adds. 

Changbin smiles at him and bumps his leg again. Seungmin just nods. Someone else has walked in - a mom and two kids - so he turns to give their orders to the kitchen before greeting the new guests. 

“Is the Coke for me, or the Dr. Pepper?” Changbin keeps bumping their legs together. It’s distracting. 

“Whichever you want. I’m okay with either,” Jisung says with a shrug. Those are Changbin’s favorites and Jisung likes all pop except root beer, so it was a safe guess. 

Changbin smacks his lips, just to be obnoxious. “I think-” _smack_ “-today I’m feeling more of a-” _smack_ , he licks the tip of one finger and holds it up, feeling for wind currents in the stale, air-conditioned air of the diner, “Dr. Pepper.” 

His dramatics have Jisung chuckling again. No matter how obnoxious or rambunctious Jisung may seem, Changbin could be a hundred times worse when he wasn’t trying to impress someone. 

They trade work stories. Jisung regaills Changbin with stories from the lot: two seperate grandma’s asking Jeno to date their granddaughters, a patron cussing Minho out and getting an ear full of Yeri, Chaeyoung beating her SM superstar record on the one five minute break they had. Typical stuff for the workers of the south lot at Tree Circle Festival. 

Changbin lets Jisung in on all the gossip: an artist requested butternut squash soup in their dressing room, but butternut squash isn't in season so Changbin’s coworker spent four hours driving around trying to find some, someone got a speeding ticket driving the company car, they forgot to feed the sound editors in their cave and gave them food 3 hours late, but none of them noticed. Typical stuff for the production interns at Tree Circle Festival. 

Tree Circle Festival, one of the longest running annual music festivals in this part of the country - or so it loves to boast on its website - is the most notable thing in Forest Park. Other notable things include: a farmers market with about ten stands, close access to the bay, and an opioid epidemic. But every town in their state has an opioid epidemic, so Jisung doesn’t count that one.

Tree Circle Festival got its name from the infamous gated community nestled next to Forest Park of the same name. Right up next to the bay, with small curving roads, a cute chapel, populated by mc mansions and actual mansions alike, home to the wealthy and wealthier and a guarded key pad entry to the community, Tree circle set itself apart. A popular director in the 80’s set two coming of age movies and one horror film in Tree Circle. He found something about the water, grand old houses, and sleepy low trees, perfect. Haunting when it needed to be, classy and posh when it didn’t. 

Changbin grew up there, Jisung didn’t. 

Seungmin returns with their drinks. He drops them down in front of them with little ceremony, plucks two paper wrapped straws from his pocket, twists off two thirds of the wrapper, and places them in glasses on the table with practiced ease. 

“You guys are going tomorrow right?” He asks as Changbin reaches for his Dr. Pepper. Jisung grabs his Coke and takes a sip, liking the angry burn down his throat when he swallows. 

“Yeah. I'm bringing a couple people from work, too,” Changbin replies. 

Jisung realizes he has no idea what Seungmin and Changbin are talking about. 

“Where?” 

“The bonfire. At Hyunjin’s?” Seungmin says.

Oh. “Oh.” Ohhhh. Okay, yeah that made sense. He _has_ heard about that. “Yeah, I’ll be there. I think the lot is going too.” They had talked about it on a break, when Yeri had been watching over Chayoung’s shoulder, maybe looking at her screen, but probably just looking at the slope of her nose or something equally gay. 

“Oh man, do you think Jeno is going to bring his hot friends or his loud ones?” Seungmin asks, tapping his pencil. 

Changbin’s face screws up. “There’s one of them that’s both, I think.” He snaps his fingers a couple of times. “Fuck, whats his name? You know the flirty one that Felix kissed on a dare that one time?” 

“Jaemin?” Jisung supplies. 

“Yeah!” Changbin says, pointing at and then hi-fiving Jisung. 

“Jaemin isn’t that hot,” Seungmin says, his face is all screwed up like he ate something sour. Changbin rolls his eyes. 

“Yeah he is. His face is like-” Changbin gestures vaguely “-like perfectly symmetrical.” 

Jisung watches the droop in Seungmin’s shoulder and the way his face smoothes over before he speaks. _Interesting_. 

“I guess,” he shrugs. “I can’t wait to see Hyunjin try and flirt with Minho all night again.” 

Jisung laughs at that. It's always nice to see Hyunjin flounder. 

Seungmin wanders back behind the counter, and Jisung realizes he forgot to flirt with him this time. Missed opportunity. 

Changbin tells Jisung about the fancy equipment at his job, and about the EQ for live mixing, about plateauing singers so they don’t blast everyone's eardrums, about fixing two different receivers with two different problems. Jisung envies a lot about Changbin’s job, but this part has to be among the top. Jisung can look up online how EQ’s work, and watch people live stream as they make tracks, he can record using the loner mics from the library, but he can’t get the mentorship that Changbin gets. He can’t get the hours tinkering with machinery, or the experience watching people mix to live vocals. 

But Changbin wasn’t talking just to talk. When Changbin was weird and pouty and guilty at the beginning of the summer, Jisung had scolded him. He shouldn’t feel guilty for doing well, but if he did, he could remedy it by telling Jisung everything he learned. Jisung hates feeling behind. 

Changbin has made good on his promise, telling him all the fancy lingo, talking about the different techniques and when things are more up to taste and style than real guidelines. Jisung is thankful for it, even if sometimes it stings. 

Seungmin drops off their plates and Jisung winks at him, only to receive a snort in return. All feels right in the world. 

Jisung smears ketchup all over his hashbrowns and watches as Changbin salts his own.

“Do you still wanna go to the beach after this?” Changbin says, looking up after a lull in conversation. Jisung just smiles and nods, his cheeks full of hashbrowns, and knocks his knee into Changbin’s under the table.

The sun is just beginning to set when they roll up to the beach, still at least an hour and a half till dark. The main beach would still be packed right now, but down here, near the docks full of small dinghies, skiffs, and small boats, it’s pretty empty. Changbin parks the car in the shade and Jisung gets out of the car, stretching. Changbin grabs the duffel bags, throwing them in the trunk, and Jisung crawls into the recently vacated space. This all feels practiced, easy. 

It’s easy to tug Changbin on top of him, easy to drag his shirt until it comes untucked from his jeans so he can slide his hands underneath the fabric, easy to lean in first. 

Changbin can be loud, but here, sometimes, when it’s just them, just like this, he can be shy. Jisung’s shy other places, but here, with whatever there is between them, Jisung isn’t afraid to take risks. So Jisung leans in first, captures Changbins lips in a kiss that’s more of a greeting than anything: a precursor so he can open up for him, so they can open up for each other, sucking and licking as Jisung fumbles with the buttons on Changbins fancy shirt. 

Jisung isn’t having much luck not being able to see what he’s doing, so he pushes on Changbin’s chest until he sits up on his knees, still leaning over Jisung so as not to hit his head on the roof, but up enough that Jisung can watch his fingers wrestle with the buttons on Changbin’s shirt. The collar gets stuck on Changbin’s cross, and he reaches back with nimble fingers to take it off, tossing it somewhere near the dashboard. 

“Good, I had enough of that guy.” 

Changbin laughs at that, and Jisung might too if he wasn’t already busy sliding the shirt off Changbin’s rounded shoulders, revealing more soft, muscled skin. Changbins thighs, butt and back have acne that hurts Changbin if Jisung touches too much, but his chest and stomach are clear, soft skin. Jisung wants to bite it. So he does. 

Changbin groans, and chuckles, laughing at Jisung like he likes to. Jisung ignores him. He has important work to do, biting and sucking at every soft swell of muscle his mouth can find. Jisung moves on to the older boy’s nipples when he feels him getting too cocky above him, too comfortable. He smirkes into the pink raised skin when Changbin shudders and gasps. Sometimes when they do this, it’s a tug of war, seeing who can keep up their unbothered persona the longest as they both try and trip each other up. Who will give up faster, until they are left rutting against each other, grinding and kissing but mostly panting and groping. It’s a fun game, especially when they are so evenly matched. 

Changbin tugs on Jisung hair to regain his footing, putting himself back in the game. Jisung falters but continues to toy with Changbin’s nipples. Jisung laves his tongue one last time before moving back up to Changbin’s mouth. If their last kiss was a greeting, this is a question, one that Changbin answers by moaning into his mouth and tugging on his hair. 

Changbin grinds down on Jisung and suddenly there’s still too many clothes. Jisung unbuttons and undoes the fly of his borrowed jeans, to gain some space for his growing erection, and Changbin pushes his t-shirt up so he can rake his fingers down and over Jisung’s soft stomach. Jisung has always struggled to put on weight, and even now his stomach is flat and his ribs poke out awkwardly when he moves. Changbin traces over it all, scratching lightly with the tips of his short nails. 

Jisung breathes into the feeling, stretching his arms up and out like a happy cat before covering his face with them and smiling into his forearms. 

When they first started, he wouldn’t be able to do this. Giggle, relax in something not entirely sexual. They both knew less then, Changbin even less than Jisung. He didn’t realize there was more to intimacy than sex, than the act itsself. They didnt know about this, about touching just because its fun and nice, even if it doesnt make their dicks hard, about all the transitions and sweet and intense moment of sex that aren’t sex acts. 

Jisung had sucked a dick before he sucked Changbin’s, but he hadn’t sucked hickies into someone’s thighs, or buried his face in someone pubes, or kissed pretty kisses into someone's testicals until he explored all of that with Changbin. He wasn’t Jisung’s first, but somehow still felt like he was. 

When they started there was nothing but sex acts and stilted conversation. Changbin was scared. He liked someone - wouldn’t say who, but Jisung already knew it was Chan. Jisung was kind though, so he humoured him. Changbin liked someone who knew so much more than him and he was embarrassed. He didn’t want to feel like some bumbling kid if they got into bed together. Which, if someone - God, maybe - were to ask, is such a _Changbin_ fear to have. Embarrassing himself. 

Jisung always feels at least twenty five percent embarrassed in himself. That's just a part of the gambit. Just part of being Han Jisung.

But again, Jisung is kind, and a horny teenager with a decently hot best friend, so he proposed that they experiment with each other. It was nice; Changbin had seen Jisung at his absolute worst, so he knew that he wouldn’t judge him, and even if he did, it wouldn’t mean anything. That wouldn’t send Changbin away, and Jisung knew that ran both ways. Changbin had seen the ugliest parts of Jisung; he wouldn’t go anywhere even if it was a huge awkward gross mistake and neither of them got off. 

It was awkward at first, and maybe it was a mistake, but it was good. They both got off, and it was addicting, they couldn’t stop. And now they were here. 

“Can you suck me off?” Changbin grunts into the space between them. With the car off and the windows up, it’s getting hot and sweaty even in the shade and the freshly fallen dusk. Jisung moves his arms and blinks up at Changbin, he sort of has to squint in the darkness to see his sharp jaw and long nose. 

“‘M lazy.” 

Changbin sort of sighs at this, but it’s true. Jisung is warm and full, languid and content. “Can you fuck my mouth instead?” Jisung knows what he’s doing, but Changbin lighting up and scrambling up his chest is still flattering, even if Jisung sort of set him up. 

Jisung doesn’t _dom_ Changbin, they aren’t in a scene, they are equal partners - a push and pull, keeping it fun - but sometimes, in moments like this where Jisung knows he’s _influencing_ Changbin, he feels a bit of a rush. Jisung preens, knowing the power Jisung’s words hold over Changbin, the way sometimes he’ll shudder or take a breath and say in not that gravelly voice, “ _oh fuck._ ” Jisung feels alive and powerful and so sexy. 

Jisung feels like that, sexy and alive even as he scoots down so Changbin can hover his taint over Jisung’s neck and slowly fuck into his mouth. Changbin is just small enough that they can do this like this, just small enough to not cause Jisung a ridiculous amount of pain, but just big enough for Changbins dick to hit the back of his throat and add some intensity, a little bit of pain to make Jiusng feel on edge. 

Theres not a lot of technique about fucking someones mouth in the backseat of a Corolla. It’s mostly sensations. No time for grand thought. But this is what Jisung feels: the overwhelming heat, the way his breathing was already affected before just from humid summer heat in the car, the air already thick before there was a dick in his mouth, hitting his throat making the whole equation harder, every breath more important, even wetter. Changbin sits back onto Jisung’s chest, his weight pressing down making Jisung chest stutter, desperately trying to expand with every gasped breath. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knows that he should be breathing through his nose, but no part of him is currently concerned with _shoulds_ and _should nots_ , only on the feeling of Changbin using his mouth, of his weight shifting and pressing him into the grey cloth seats, on the sounds he’s making that seem like they are coming from his throat as much as from his mouth. 

Changbin has to lean and slouch sort of awkwardly to keep his head from hitting the roof of the car constantly - not that his thick skull couldn’t handle it, but Jisung would rather not have to explain to doctors how his best friend got a concussion in a parked car. He can only move his hips so well while slouching, but even a few inches is enough to get Jisung overwhelmed. Even if it’s not his full range, even if it’s not meant to be ruthless, the feeling of losing control is still overpowering in this position, and Jisung loves it. It’s another aspect of give and take for them. 

Changbin thrusts in and stills, Jisung gets whats coming and he hollows his cheeks and sucks, and continues to suck when Changbin shudders and cries out and comes down his throat. 

Changbin takes a bit to come down, but eventually he extracts himself from Jisung’s mouth with a wince and scoots back down so he can take a couple gasping breaths. 

Jisung lets him, before he gets bored and pulls him down by his angular chin to kiss him again. Changbin seems to regain his footing while kissing. One of his hands sneaks down to grind the palm into Jisung’s erection. Jisung moans into Changbin’s mouth and bucks into his hand. He’s been aching for what feels like ages and the pressure feels so fucking good, even if the angle’s off. 

Changbin breaks the kiss to suck and bite on Jisung’s chest, as he snakes his hand into Jisung’s boxers. Changbin chuckles against Jisung’s flushed chest when he wraps a hand around his swollen length. 

“You’re so fucking wet.” Jisung can feel the aspirations of each of Changbins words on his sensitive nipples, and that along with the words themselves has him shivering, despite the hot car. Jisung is covered in sweat and his cock is oozing precum, helping Changbin’s calloused hand glide smoothly. He doesn’t have much room to move, but he makes the most of it, focusing his attention at the head, and paying special attention to the vein underneath that’s extra sensitive. 

Changbin knows all of Jisung’s calling cards at this point, and he abuses them. Like this, whispering into his chest, “What if someone found you like this huh?” He pauses to lick and suck one of Jisung’s hard nipples, “What if someone saw you desperate and hard and about to cum your fucking pants in the back seat of my car?” 

Jisung stares resolutely at the ceiling, trying to concentrate on the stains in order to keep from coming on the spot. Changbin continues, “What if they saw how fucking desperate you are?” Changbin bites particularly hard just under Jisungs left nipple and Jisung can’t help but whine. “Or heard the noises you make? What would they think of you then?” 

Jisung can feel his climax approaching, but he can hold it at bay. That is, until Changbin hits him with the killing blow. “What would they think, after they knew how much of a slut you are?”

Jisung squeezes his eyes tight and moans into Changbins hair as he comes. 

  
  


Jisung looks at Changbin as he backs up into the extra spot behind Jisung’s duplex. It’s Jisung’s mom’s duplex, really. His parents had split and shifted and moved around and coupled and split and recoupled again, and words like _Jisung’s house_ feel far away sometimes. He thinks this when he’s high and sad. 

Sometimes the duplex - the one they've been in less than a year, the one with boxes in Jisung’s closet he knows he won't unpack, full of mementos he decides he doesn't need to remember - still manages to feel like home. Sometimes it feels like his mom’s house. But at least his mom always feels like home. 

Changbin’s pretty good at parking. 

“We can’t smoke in my room with the window open anymore, because of the baby,” Jisung says when Changbin turns off the car. 

“Oh that makes sense,” he pauses, “Should we hotbox my car?” 

Jisung thinks about it. He doesn't really want to reek when he says hi to his mom and her boyfriend. “We can smoke on the roof later?” 

Changbin nods. So that’s the plan. 

Jisung wraps gangly arms around his small bundle of abandoned work clothes and slings his work bag over his shoulder as he and Changbin mount the twisty metal stairs to the second floor of the duplex. Jisung digs his keys from the pouch on his bag and struggles with the door for a minute before pushing it open with his hip. 

“I’m home!,” he calls out, toeing off his shoes, “and Changbin’s here!” 

“Hello, Mrs. Han! Hey, Carlos!” Changbin takes off his shoes. The laces take longer to undo than Jisung’s, and Jisung feels a little better about his tennis shoes. A little. 

“Hey boys! Welcome home! Carlos is getting peach ice cream, text him if you want some!” Jisung’s mom says from the living room coach, Jisung rounds the corner to kiss her cheek, and let her fuss of Changbin and complain, good naturedly, about the child growing inside of her, before dragging him to Jisung’s room. 

Jisung’s room was a part of an expansion, it’s draftier in the winter and hot in the summer but the windows are big enough to climb through and open up to a roof that faces a line of tall pines and one linden tree. 

Jisung grabs his bluetooth speaker and climbs through the window out onto the rooftop, feeling the rough texture of the shingles under his socks. He takes them off and wiggles his toes. He puts on a good playlist to smoke to, full of r&b and chill electronic music with slow synths, and teases Changbin as he packs the bowl. Jisung sees that his stash is getting low, he’ll have to text his dealer soon. 

“Careful now we wouldn’t want a repeat of memorial day now do we?” Jisung says, snark bleeding into his voice.

“That was one time!” Changbin whines back. 

“That was $40 dollars worth of weed! Wasted! Because of your butter fingers!” jisung says but he’s laughing. He laughed, even at the memory of their frantic scramble picking through the grass the find any, any at all usable, well, grass, after Changbin has accidentally knocked the freshly ground weed off the roof.

“Well I won't drop it this time” and he doesn't, he packs a perfectly respectable bowl, that he then lights and takes a clean drag out of. They trade it back and forth a couple of times and then Changbin takes another smooth drag. A pretty drag, a long smooth pull, with smoke that dances out of his weirdly cupped mouth. A nice mouth. A mouth that feels soft under Jisung’s own lips. 

Oh!

They’re kissing. Nice. It _is_ nice, soft trading of gentle pulls, push for pull, Jisung pulls back and takes another pull. Ha ha. He’s along the way to a good high, a high like cicadas in the night, when you don't notice them and they just simmer in the background. They don’t impede on a conversation but when you pause to think, and the world goes still as you gather quickly scrambling thoughts you notice them. Their very own cacophony like waves crashing. Except they arent waves they are bug fuck noises. 

“Cicada sounds are cicadas screaming come fuck this” Jisung takes another pull. Changbin opens his mouth to say something and then closes it again. Contemplative. He’s their generation’s Plato. 

“Fuck your right. Cicadas like, go into heat whenever its summer night huh?” Changbin takes the bowl back and Jisung figures thats fair, he _has_ been pretty greedy. Jisung thinks about cicadas. 

“I'm pretty sure they don't hibernate, they just die. So I think in the summer they are born, they scream and fuck, and then they die before it gets chilly” Jisung watches Changbin digest that and hold smoke in his lungs. He blows it out, Jisung releases a breath he didn’t know he was holding. 

“God I wish that were me” Jisung laughs but changbin continues, “I just wanna scream and fuck and then die thats like” a thoughtful pause, “ the goal”, Jisung laughs. 

“ I mean we certainly have more holes than cicadas you could probably do both at the same time.” Jisung says, because he is also a scholar. Jisung steals back the bowl and inhales and watches Changbin bat his eyelashes, even if they are kinda short. 

“Baby will you fuck me as I scream bloody murder at the tippity top of my fucking lungs the whole time?” Jisung snorts, very unattractively and the smoke he’d been holding flares out his nose making him look like the worlds lamest dragon. He leans over to kiss Changbin again, because kissing him is easier than responding. Sometimes kissing him is easier than breathing. 

Jisung is just beginning to lick the inside of Changbins top lip (he spends so much time focusing on his bottom lip he’s only realizing now what a waste that was, this ones perfectly good too, but he digresses) when they seperate. This time its Changbin who pulls back and it's not even to smoke, it's to talk, what a waste. 

“You wouldn’t think it because your lips are kinda small but you are a really good kisser”. Jisung blinks and then scoffs. 

“Gee thanks” Jisung goes to lean back in because Changbin sounds less dumb when he can’t talk but Changbin pulls basck to talk _more._

“It was a compliment!” Changbin says, half defensive half earnest. 

“Usually, when handing out compliments, it's best to avoid having to say but” Jisung doesn’t feel all that insulted, but he feels insulted enough to keep going. To tease just a bit more. 

“But I love to talk about butts,” one of Changbin’s warm rough calloused palms makes its way to the small swell of Jisung’s ass over his jeans (Changbin’s jeans) “especially when handing out compliments' '. It's greasy, and cheesy as hell and not even that clever but Jisung laughs anyway and kisses him again. He could probably say anything and Jisung would keep kissing him. He’s as horny as he’s ever been, and there's a hot boy right there, and he’s high and giggly and loose and on top of the world. 

Jisung kisses him until he remembers there's weed that’s not killed yet, so they kill it and Jisung looks out at the night. The trees are long darker shadows against the expansive blackness of night, and dotted amongst them, flying in and out are- 

“Look, lightning bugs” Jisung whispers into the night. Everything seems to have gone still since the last time they spoke and to be too loud would feel wrong, like screaming in a church. Not that Jisung goes to church, or Changbin for that matter. Like what Jisung thinks screaming in a church would be, which is to say, blasphemous. 

Changbin looks out too, because he's good at following directions, and his eyes widen, he seems to get it. He smiles, one of his small smiles, no teeth showing, and looks up at the moon a waxing gibbous, Jisung looks up to because he’s also good at following instructions. Changbin too, whispers when he speaks, “good night moon” 

-

The next morning Jisung does not wake up wrapped all around Changbin, but he wakes up sweaty and flustered and all too warm nonetheless. Their biceps, ( maybe it was their triceps? Changbin would know better) were pressed together and a little sticky from the sweat and contact. 

Jisung sits up, peeling himself away from Changbin only grimacing a little at the feeling of cool dried sweat on his skin. The thin sheet they slept with pools at his waist and Jisung takes a moment to orient himself, to crack his neck and blink tired eyes and glare at the sun streaming through his shitty curtains. Changbin’s still asleep, not snoring, but certainly breathing through his mouth in a way that's kind of funny, Jisung considers taking a snapchat of it. Instead, Jisung gets out of bed and pulls on some basketball shorts.

He’s tugging on a shirt, something big that might be from middle school gym class, or maybe a softball club (how long did he do that for?) , and heads out in the living room to see Carlo’s struggling with a large wooden crate. Jisung watches for a second, processing, before snapping out of it and helping the older man. Carlos flashes him a smile and together they lug the crate down the skinny hallway to the kitchen table. 

Jisung likes Carlos, he’s kind before he’s anything else, especially to his mom. They’ve been dating for a while, about four or five years, Jisung came back from living with his dad to start high school, and Carlos was there, not moved in but certainly a part of the picture. Carlos is a little younger than his mom but looks a little older, he's got a deep tan from years in the sun, and wrinkles, wrinkles that show his kindness, lines on the side of his mouth and around his eyes. He’s kind, and warm and pretty nerdy, and he just likes Jisung’s mom so much that he can tell. 

“What’s up with the crate Doc?” Jisung asks nodding to it and its nondescript packaging. Carlos shrugs. 

“I’m not sure, I ordered some stuff from one of those online grocery stores but this would be overkill” he answers. Jisung watches as he finds one of the latches and cracks the lid off, with a noise that might have been enough to wake Changbin, but Changbin was one of those people who never woke up during minor earthquakes and big storms. Carlos looks in the crate and makes a face of surprise, and then a flash of deep remorse, and then he’s laughing, a deep belly laugh. He tips the crate towards Jisung, overestimates something and Jisung whips his arm out just in time to catch a… peach? He looks in the crate and is astonished to find that the crate is full of them. Carlos is still laughing, perhaps a little manically. 

“What the hell?” Jisung asks

Carlost stops laughing to answer “I ordered four peaches since your mom has been craving them , but I think they made a mistake somewhere along the way” Jisung laughs too then. When they start to unpack the peaches, it takes every salad and fruit bowl they have, four are full and a giant mixing bowl is full of them, and still a small pile of peaches is on the kitchen table before they get to the bottom of the crate to see the invoice. And sure enough plane as day on the invoice is for one order of forty peaches for $5.76. It's a truly beautiful mistake. 

Carlos puts the invoice on the fridge.

Eventually Changbin wakes up, and joins the land of the living stumbling into the kitchen just in time to partake in some of the scramble Carlos is making, with a side of peaches of course. Changbin laughs with them about it. Most of the peaches aren’t quite ripe yet, thank god if they were all ripe they would have a house full of rotting fruit in a few days. Still Jisung finds a ripe one for Changbin, Carlos, and picks one thats not quite done yet for himself, he likes the crunch, even if it’s not as sweet. 

Changbin’s wearing yesterday's pants and one of Jisung’s plainer t-shirts, it stretches across his shoulders and pecs in a way it doesn’t when Jisung wears it. He looks like a very huggable idiot, Jisung kicks his leg under the table, Changbin kicks him back without looking up from his plate. Nice. 

Changbin leaves around noon, his shift starts at three and he needs to shower and change into his goth prep attire. Jisung lazes around for a bit more, writes some lyrics to a beat Changbin had forwarded to him earlier in the week, something a friend from some internet forum he’s apart of made for him, something he thought might be a better fit for Jisung. It’s slower, more suited for Jisungs meandering and wordplay than Changbins faster pace, but it’s a little more somber then Jisung’s used to, pushing him in a new direction. Its making him think about home and goodbyes and losing something you might not have ever had. 

He stumbles to the finish line of the song just in time to shower and put on his polo and head in for his 4:30 shift, the concert starts later tonight, its not another orchestra concert, tonight there's some dad rock group that draws a slightly younger (than the typical seniors only) and a significantly drunker crowd. Carlos persuades Jisung into bringing a tote full of peaches for his coworkers in the lot, he hikes it up on his arm even though it makes it brush against his drawstring work bag, heavy with his change of clothes for later. When he closes the front door behind him and descends the spiral metal steps to the side walk, his mom’s little blue car is just pulling into the driveway. He waits as she parks and heaves herself out of the car, her bump pressing against the steering wheel as she goes. 

Jisung meets her halfway and let her pull him down to kiss his cheeks. Jisung isn’t tall but his mom is tiny, five foot nothing, it makes her look more pregnant than she actually is. She was only sixteen weeks, barely halfway, but her bump was already pronounced. They only told people four weeks ago, but it was a good thing because even since then it has become pretty obvious. Jisung has learned a lot about pregnancy in the last fourteen weeks. 

“Have fun at work will you be home tonight?” She asks, his face still in her hands. He shakes his head and her small palms with it, which makes her squeeze his cheeks even more. 

“There's gonna be bonfire at Hyunjins” Jisung says, but because of the way she is squeezing him it sounds lower and rounder, and Hyunjin’s name blurs into a mess of consonants. 

“Have fun baby” she lets go of his cheeks and pats him twice on each cheek, he waves to her before turning the corner out of the driveway and putting in his headphones. 

The lot is confused but grateful nonetheless for the peaches. Chaeyoung tells Yeri the peaches suit her, that they match her hair, and giggles which predictably, makes Yeri blush. Jeno manages to make biting into the fruit look like a Calvin Klein ad, but ruins his chic image the next second by somehow biting too aggressively and getting peach juice in his eye. Jeno has to take his contacts out and much to everyone's vocal displeasure switches to glasses.

Minho sums it up for pretty much the whole lot when he says “Man of course Jeno looks good in glasses I hate you”. Jeno smiles bashfully and Jeongin and Beomgyu boo. 

The shift passes quickly, Jeongin and Beomgyu are running around like crazy to fill up the Lewis lot, Jisung even runs down at one point to help them when the flow of SUV and minivans gets too heavy. By 8:30 Jisung is exhausted and his calves hurt from so much running still not quite used to all the time on his feet, but it's early in the season and the soreness will get easier. 

Yeri is staying behind tonight to deal with the patrons and Jisung barely holds back a snort when Chaeyoung offers to be the one to stay with her. Minho elbows Jeongin in the ribs when he starts to chuckle. They walk to the bathrooms and change into the clothes they brought for the bonfire. Jisung is wearing his own jeans. They are a lighter wash he found in a thrift shop earlier in the year, and a big black tshirt for some pub he’ll never go to tucked in with a thicker black belt. Jeongin and Beomgyu are both wearing chino shorts and shirts that look fresh out of vineyard vines. Minho has on a loser tank top but not so loose that Changbin would wear it to work out in, it makes his chest look defined without flashing the side of his ribcage, and jorts that somehow don't make Jisung want to vomit. Jeno is wearing a big white Adidas shirt that he definitely stole from one of his rich friends and some skinny jeans, but his glasses make it softer. They all look nice but they don’t look like a group that would hang out together. Except for Jeongin and Beomgyu but they’re inseparable, that's a given. Before long they are piling up in Jenos jeep to go to Hyunjins. Despite working in a parking lot, Jeno and Yeri are the only ones who can drive. 

Minho gets front seat because he’s the oldest and technically their boss, so Jisung sits behind the passenger seat. Jeno has a soft top that he takes off on hot clear days like this so jisung can lean his head out, and Jeongin has to yell to be heard over the wind and Jeno’s 1975 and Hippocampus . They all get slushies from thorntons for $.89 before because Jeongin mentioned it during work and now Minho won’t stop talking about it. 

Jisung mixes the cherry and coke flavors because even though it doesn't look quite as pretty as the the cherry and blue raspberry levels Jeongmin made, Jisung _knows_ it tastes better. He sips on his slushie, slowly so as not to get a brain freeze,and feel the wind making tears gather in his eyes and his hair go crazy, and Jisung go quiet. 

Jeno’s playlist is swirling in the air around them mixing with the chatter in the back seat and the noise of the wind and under it all, cicadas just coming out in earnest now as the sun sets, a distant comforting buzz. 

Jisung sips his slushie and watches his town go by, he looks down to watch a drop of condensation drip down the side of the plastic cup and drop onto his jeans, when he looks up again they are slowing down to the gate and entering Hyunjin’s code to finally enter Forest Circle. 

When Jisung was younger and pictured Tree Circle, he pictured what wealth looked like from movies, big sprawling properties and stately manors from his mom’s historical dramas and british tv shows, or the penthouse bachelor pads from the dramas always on at his dad's house. He had no conception for the ways wealth presents itself in suburbia, whatever he expected it wasn’t Tree Circle. 

The roads are all narrow two ways that make both cars go incredibly slow and, when a car approaches from another direction, often put half a tire into the soft wood chips and dirt that line each side of the road, before they bleed into tall skinny trees. It’s hilly, with more interesting topography than anywhere else in the town, just walking it can burn the muscles in Jisung’s scrawny calves and thighs, kids as young as eleven can be spotted driving their very own golf carts to get around and visit each other. Changbin had one when they met. 

People when they see them, Jisung and Changbin, Changbin and Jisung, assume they have known each other forever, been inseparable since pre-k and all that, but that wasn’t the case. Jisung met Changbin the first week of his freshman year of highschool. They shared a double period english- social studies class and a Biology class. Changbin made Jisung laugh on the second day of science and it was all over since then, they did all the labs as partners and projects in their english/ social studies class together, they became inseparable pretty fast, and Changbin introduced Jisung to his friends and suddenly they were Jisung’s friends to. There have been few times in his life that he has made friends with someone so fast, where letting down his walls felt easy like butter melting in a hot pan. 

Jisung had just moved back to Forest park, he felt unsure but latching onto Changbin felt good, long before he had his big arms and an impressive deadlift, Changbin felt sturdy to Jisung. After his parents divorce, Jisung had to live with his dad for a while, things weren't good with his mom, not then, he went to middle school up where his dad lived, 90 minutes northwest and a whole state line away. His mom turned it around, and he moved back in with her in time for high school and he was and still is incredibly grateful, but it was hard. It was hard leaving, it was hard coming back. 

The houses are frequently sunken back behind long driveways, but the few that are at the front look like normal houses but bigger, wider with more accent features and a wider variety of roofs. There are largely McMansions. Changbin lives in one, with its mismatched features and impressive landscaping. Jisung knows that they are supposedly tacky, but Jisung doesn't care. He likes how loud they are. 

Jeno turns into Hyunjin’s driveway, it’s wider that the road, and pulls over behind a Silverado in the line of cars parked on the side of the driveway, all here for the bonfire. When they get out, Eric pulls up behind him with Renjun, Sunwoo, and Jaemin, and Jeno breaks off to go talk to them. Jisung watches Jeongmin and Beomgyu run ahead and he waits back with Minho, who links arms with him as they walk towards the big house, and then around the back of it to get to the stairs. 

“Are you going to drink tonight?” Minho asks, they are getting closer they can start to hear music and chatter drifting up the side of cliff (hill?) from the beach below. 

“I might, i’m definitely going to smoke though if Hyunjin offers, his weed is nicer than mine.” That makes Minho snort. 

“He also gets his weed from Jaehyun though?” Minhos says, doubting Jisung. 

“Yeah but he buys a more expensive strain, plus his is bought with his daddy's money. Of course it's better” Minho laughs as they descend the worn wooden switch back stairs set into the cliff down to the beach below. The bonfire is already going, high and impressive and there are people gathered around it, some in chairs, the majority on logs or just on the ground. As they get lower and closer Jisung can start to make out people. He sees Felix and Seungmin talking to Chenle, and Kim Hyunjin chasing Heejin with what might be a crawfish as some other girls Jisung didn't know as well laughed. 

Changbin, Chan, and Hyunjin were a bit off to the side talking with someone who looks like Lucas from the back but Jisung couldn’t be sure. When they made it down the steps Jisung tugged Minho over to them. 

Chan was showing off a small speaker he just got, Hyunjin seemed skeptical “I mean it looks cool but are you sure its going to be enough?” Chan and Changbin nod emphatically.

“Just trust me” Chan says and Jisung doesn't, but that has more to do with overprotective best friend instincts than the presumed quality of his speaker. Chan presses a blue button on the small oval and Jisung has to take a couple steps back as he is bodily hit with a wall of sound. It seems he still faired better than Hyunjin who physically stumbled and fell to the ground. Everyone laughes then, Hyunjin included, Jisung looks up from Hyunjin laughing and clapping on the ground and catches Changbin’s eyes as they laugh. After that things sort of fall into a bonfire rhythm. 

Lucas offers him a beer he refuses because he can’t stomach the taste of beer unless its for a drinking game. Instead he drinks the White Claw Ryujin hands him, black cherry, the best flavor, and he drinks it listening to Chenle and Felix talking pubg strategy that goes over his head. At some point Jaemin (who really is pretty) sits next to him and whispers in his ear conspiratorially. 

“Take a drink every time they use their gamer lingo” his breath smells like Ruby Grapefruit and Jisung giggles and nods. Jaemin and Jisung listen intently, and drink often but things go south when they switch to talking about Overwatch and buffing, nerfing, and dps. Jisung knows what that means but he wishes he didn’t, all too soon Jisung finishes a drink and Jaemin is handing him a Natural Lime, which is not as good of a flavor but is fine for a drinking game like this. Jisung is done with his second drink faster than he probably should be, he tugs Jaemin up and over to where Kim Hyunjin is sitting on the other side of the fire with a bong in one hand and one of Heejin’s hands in the other, seemingly incapable of deciding which to let go of first. 

Jisung doesn’t have it in him to make her choose, he lights and moves the bowl for her when the time comes and laughs with Heejin when she ends up coughing. Heejin passes on it so Jisung takes it, and passes it around a small circle. The two Hyunjins seem incapable of taking a hit without coughing up a lung and it's amusing to watch them try and hold it in only to end up coughing with teary eyes. 

Jisung is buzzed and high, double buzzed? He leans over to Hwang Hyunjin to tell him the news. 

“Double buzzed,” he pauses to giggle, “buzz, buzz, bitch.” Jaemin gasps and his eyes go wide before he’s cackling. They cackle together like shitty witches, while Kim Hyunjin coughs in the background. Jisung feels a presence behind him and he tenses. He wonders if he’s about to die, or maybe fall through all the sand into the fiery core of the earth, but when he cranes his neck so he’s looking upside down its just Changbin. Changbin quirks an eyebrow down at him, his face painted in a warm yellow and orange glow from the fire, maybe this is the center of the earth. His face is all orange and yellows but the color spreads down to his exposed arms and the big swaths of his ribs showing from the cut of sleeves of his bro tank. He looks good. His arms look good. He wants to bite them again, but then he remembers that they are in public and they don't do that here. He settles for resting his head against his thighs and closing his eyes as he laughs. 

Things as blurry after that, not in a black out kind of way, instead in a way that blends things together. A game of never have I ever where Jisung gets out quickly but not first blends into dancing to “It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy and “Yeah” by Usher, blends into pulling Seungmin up from a log to make him dance with them, and grabbing Felix too. 

Jisung must have gotten tired because now he finds himself slumped on a log listening to Hyunjin try and flirt with Minho. 

“You should come visit me at the lifeguard stand sometime,” Hyunjin says, leaning into Minho’s space.

“I can’t swim, why would I go to the beach?” Minho responds either not getting it or being purposefully dumb. Jisung squints at him. He’s bad at reading faces this wasted. Hyunjin looked at least a little flustered, that much Jisung can tell.

“Well, I uh,” Hyunjin takes a deep breath, “I could teach you.” Oooh he’s really laying it on thick. 

“While you're working? What if someone drowns while you aren’t paying attention? You could get sued,” Minho says. Jisung is leaning towards him being purposfully dumb. 

“I meant after work, after work I could teach you to swim,” Hyunjin corrects, not giving up. 

“Then what should I visit you at the lifeguard stand for?” Minho has a glint in his eye, or maybe that's just the fire reflecting in it. 

“Company? Something to do?” Hyunjin offers, this makes Minho laugh, but not meanly.

“I’ll think about it.” It doesn’t sound like a yes, but Jisung is surprised to find it doesn’t sound like a no either. Maybe Hyunjin has more game than Jisung thought. Jisung is feeling a little less drunk than he wants to be so he steals Hyunjins cup and takes a drink, it tastes sweet and vaguely like a fruit with a mean aftertaste. Nice. 

Just then Chan’s music quiets, and he calls everyone to come sit around the fire. When they have bonfires like these they starts with a giant bonfire, but they don’t maintain it, they let it get smaller, sometimes tossing a log in but mostly letting it dwindle so that by now a few hours later, the fire has died down to be just a bit bigger than a campfire. By now Jisung can make out some faces across the circle, smoking or drinking or laughing. He looks to his left and Yeri is there, she must have got off work. He leans into her a bit and she lets him. 

They play truth or dare, not because its necessarily fun, sometimes it is, but mostly because it’s tradition. They’ve been having bonfires and playing truth or dare since freshman year when the game still felt like a scandalous risk. Over the years they discovered with the right attitude and enough illegal substances the game could still be fun. 

Jisung let himself zone out a bit and listen to the cadence of people's voices instead of the words they were saying. He watches Jiwoo moon the bay, there are boats a just a far enough distance for this to still feel scandalous. Renjun is sitting in Jenos lap, continuing on like it doesn't affect him, and Jeno is trying very hard to pretend the same but is failing. Jisung watches the way his hands itch at his side, unsure what to do with them. Eventually he wraps them around Renjun’s waist. Renjun lets him. 

Is everyone around Jisung in love? Or is everyone around him just lonely? He thinks about that for a bit, he’s not sure how long until Yeri shoves him. 

“Jisung its you turn” She says and he looks up, and around remembering where he is, everyone looking at him. 

“Oops?” he says and some people laugh, “What was the question?” Jisung catches Chan and Seungmin and a couple other people rolling their eyes. He looks to Changbin but his face is blank. It’s Felix who finally speaks up. 

“Truth or Dare?” Oh. Duh. He thinks about it for a second, he normally always chooses dare, because, well wait why does he? He can’t remember, his limbs feel fuzzy and his jaw feels full of static. 

“Truth,” he says and leans into Yeri again. Felix looks at him, thinking for a moment. Felix is nice, he wouldn’t ask anything weird. 

“Do you think you’ve ever been in love?” He asks and Jisung looks at Felix. His eyes have something in them, and suddenly Jisung is ten years old. He’s ten years old on the last day of fifth grade saying goodbye to everyone, not just for the summer but maybe forever. He’s about to move to his dad's house and he doesn't cry, but Felix does. And hugs him so tight. His face sort of looks like that. Like a goodbye. Jisung suddenly feels much more sober. 

Jisung is taking too long to answer, so he thinks. He’s dated but not for real. Nothing he has or has had has really been real. 

“I don’t think so. Not yet.” Felix takes a deep breath, everyone's sort of quiet. Jisung laughs in the silence, “Sorry for bringing the mood down.” He shakes his shoulders expelling the tension there, “Seungmin, truth or dare?”. 

“Dare,” Seungmin says, too fast, in a way that means he’s obviously hiding something. 

“Switch clothes with the person to your right,” Jisung says. Seungmin looks left at Felix before looking right at Heejin, and puts his head in his hands while everyone around the circle, Heejin included, hoots and hollers.

Seungmin, it turns out, can rock a denim skirt. Just kidding, he looks nice, the graphic tee looking like something he might actually wear, but he clearly does not know what to do with himself in a skirt. He can’t figure out how to sit on a log in a skirt and he laughs with everyone else when he falls off the log while arranging his legs. His tiny waist is highlighted though so that's a plus.

The game continues on. People sing and dance and make out and then the game fizzles out. People laugh, and in that transition Chan pulls out a guitar. No one groans, but earlier in the night a few people definitely would have. Now it feels like a nice thing, the fire is lower, the dark is darker, everyone except the few designated drivers are blasted. The guitar seems right, soft and charming instead of poser-ish and douchey. Chan as a person rides the line between charming and douchey. 

‘I know it’s kind of obnoxious to bring a guitar to a party but this is a bonfire soo-” Chan trails off, some people chuckle. It’s not that far off, they end up singing most nights anyway. Chan continues, “and with a new batch of you graduating, I thought about, well I think of this song about this time every year and it just, I wanted to actually play it for you all once”, he takes a breath, sobering up maybe, collecting himself maybe, “does anyone know the lyrics to Rivers and Roads?”

Oh. Oh, Jisung knows the lyrics to Rivers and Roads. Rivers and Roads has been his designated crying song since he was fourteen and heard it for the first time on a Pandora station. He knows the lyrics. There aren't many of them, but he knows them all, even the melody of the oohs and how long to hold them for. 

Before he can even think about saying anything (he’s not sure he wants to) Changbin blurts out (he must be more drunk than high, Changbin only blurts when he’s drunk or well on his way to it) “Jisung knows all the lyrics and he can sing.” 

Jisung doesn’t know what to do, so he laughs, “Changbin what the fuck.” 

Yeris hits him then, like actually, with her fist. It hurts. “Oh fuck, he’s right. I forgot you could sing.” 

Jisung rubs his shoulder, “How could you forget I'm the next Celine Dion?” Yeri hits him again, and Jisung smiles at her, unrepentant. 

Chan motions Jisung over and he goes. Chan is already tuning his guitar. Some people are watching them but mostly people are talking. Renjun is still on Jeno’s lap, Seungmin is still in Heejin’s jean skirt, and Hyunjin is still high out of his mind. Somehow he still feels watched, and he tries to remind himself that he’s a performer. “If you don’t want to, you really don’t have to,” and Jisung remembers then that Chan, as much as he sometimes villifies him in his head, is still his friend. When did Jisung get so negative? They were closer once upon a time, but they are still friends. He doesn’t like to sing in front of others. He’d rather rap, or joke, singing is too… vulnerable maybe. Chan continues, “But if you do, I think your voice would really suit the high parts.” He doesn’t want to think about that. He doesn’t want to do this. 

“When have you heard me sing?” Jisung asks

“Changbin played me some of your guy’s samples,” he smiles at Jisung with those dimples, “your voice is nice when you let it be high.” Jisung laughs, because he doesn’t know what to say. 

It feels like a betrayal, that Changbin showed Chan their music. Especially a track where he sings. There aren’t many. He’s a rapper, he sings when he has to, but he’s a rapper. He sings in three tracks that they’ve made together and two of those were made in catharsis. He hasn’t looked at either of them since they finished them. They didn’t go up on his soundcloud, they didn’t get put in forums, they existed for the purpose of making it. And Changbin had shown Chan. He hadn’t even asked. Jisung desperately hopes it was for more than just to get in Chan’s pants. 

Jisung doesn’t want to be complimented for his high singing voice. 

“Thanks.” He thinks about Changbin taking away privacy of his own voice, and he changes his mind, “Yeah you sing the low parts and I can sing the higher ones, we can mix them too.” 

Chan smiles with his dimples, “Awesome.”

Everyone quiets down at the first strums of Chan’s guitar, they look towards them and Jisung slides down from the log next to Chan, onto the sand below. The sand is cool with the sun no longer around to warm it. Jisung closes his eyes and hums along with Chan’s rich voice. It gets raspy towards the end of some of his words, and it suits him. It suits the moment. 

Jisung feels more sober than earlier, but he wishes he was drunker for this. He digs his hands into the sand and harmonizes with Chan. He opens his mouth more tall than wide like the vocal coaches of youtube recommend, and his voice comes out clear and sweet when together they sing: 

“I miss your face like hell.” Jisung doesn’t want to be mad. He brings a handful of sand up and feels it fall through the crack in his fingers from where he can't see through closed eyes. He lets his anger and hurt fall with those grains of sand as he sings the oohs. Softly, even softer than in the original song because there's no beat behind them. Just the strings of Chan’s guitar. 

“Been talking about the way things change.” Jisung opens his eyes. Changbin is staring at him across the circle, his head visible over the dancing flames. They lock eyes and then Changbin looks up. Up to Chan. Chan’s eyes are still closed as he strums, and Changbin is looking at him anyway. After Chris sings, “and my family lives in a different state,” his voice quiets to a hum and Jisung takes over naturally. 

“If you don’t know what to make of this,” Jisung looks at Changbin as he says it. Jisung’s the one singing, but Changbin’s eyes are still on Chan. 

“Then we will not relate” he lets his voice get a little thicker, he glances to the side, Felix and Jiwoo and few others are sniffling looking a little teary eyed, he looks back to Changbin, he won’t look at him. 

“So if you don’t know what to make of this.” Why won’t Changbin look at him. 

“Then we will not relate.” He wants Changbin to look at him. And he shouldn’t. But he wants Changbin to look at him as he sings. He wants to be the one Changbin looks at, even if he was silent. But Changbin isn’t looking at him. 

Chan joins back in with him as they sing the oohs. His voice fades back out again for the first two rounds of the repeating stanza. 

“Rivers and roads, rivers and roads, rivers 'til I reach you.” Changbin finally looks away from Chan and turns to look at the bay. Jisung looks out too, at the smooth roll of the water, the soft crash of the waves, the foam he can't see in the dark but knows is there nonetheless. Chan stops strumming until it's just Jisungs voice and the night. He lets some of his emotion spill over into his voice, “rivers and roads.” He feels a great sense of desperation, because something out of the corner of his eye is finally coming into focus. “Rivers and roads.” He looks back as Changbin, at his strong jaw and soft cheeks, at his furrowed brow and his smooth silky hair, and he wishes this thing would crawl back to where it came from. Changbin’s eyes are closed. Jisung closes his own but he still sees him behind his eyelids. His voice comes our airy, “Rivers till I reach you.” 

The hurt sits somewhere deep in his stomach, maybe his colon, a tightness. He leans back against Chans knee and tries to conjure up some ill intent towards him, but he’s tired and Chan’s warm and his shin is solid against Jisung back as he strums again and they sing the remaining verses together. 

A tear hits Jisung’s cheek and he’s surprised by it, but when he looks around he sees he’s not alone. At the third repeat, Seungmin’s voice joins theirs. Jisung smiles at him, he’s also the owner of misty eyes. Jiwoos voice joins in, Yeri’s too, then Chenles own sweet voice. Renjun too. Jeno, and Felix, and Jaemin’s voice come in, adding depth to the song and soon it’s everyone, everyone singing together by the time the final lines crest upon them. 

Jisung looks at Changbin but his eyes are still closed, still, his lips move along with everyone else as they say for the last time: “Rivers till I meet you”. 

The silence hangs for a bit after, it seems everyone takes a collective breath and then Chan speaks, and Jisung feels the vibrations from where he’s leaning against him. “ I guess you guys can see why I think of this song, especially around this time of year.” A wet laugh. A wet laugh but one they all share. 

Hyunjin sobs loudly and Minho laughs at him but rubs his back and says, “don’t cry you big baby, we come back, we have summers” and that seems to be the consensus. People come back, things can return. 

Now that he’s not singing, he can’t look at Changbin. So he doesn’t. When Chan starts the music up again, he stands, intending to go back and lean against Yeri some more, but Chan stops him. “Thank you for singing with me,” then he takes a breath, “I miss you man I haven't seen you lately.”

“Just text me, I’m around.”


	2. Chapter 2

When he sits down, Felix is staring at him. Again. Jisung cocks his head to the side, raises his eyebrows, he wonders if Felix is okay. Felix has always been sensitive. When they were younger, and better friends, Felix was the cryer. Jisung was too but at least Jisung was angrier. Felix cried for others, bursting with empathy. When Jisungs parents got a divorce Felix cried with him. They sat in Felix’s tree house and cried together and ate the apple Felix’s mom cut for them. They never kept in touch while Jisung was away for middle school. Jisung’s always been glad that they were able to become friends again in high school.

Felix holds Jisungs eyes for a bit, but looks away. He looks so, so something. Sad maybe? Scared? Worried? Maybe he’s just having a rough high. He turns his head to rest against Yeri again but when he looks, Chaeyoung and Yeri’s hands are so close together, so close to touching next to each other on the log and Jisung stands. He doesn’t know where to go, doesn’t know where he wants to be right now. 

That's a lie. He wants to go bug Changbin, but the idea of being so close to him right now kind of makes him feel like there is battery acid clogging all his arteries. 

He finds himself walking towards the bay. He grabs one of Lucas’ shitty beers along the way, for something cool in his hands. He stops before he reaches the water, where the sand is cool and damp and hard, but soft enough to leave footprints. He takes off his socks and shoes and tries to rest his feet on top of the sand so they don’t sink in. He’s playing a game, how much weight can put on his feet until they sink into the sand, when the sound of a voice behind him shocks him. 

“What are you doing?” His feet land heavy, wet sand squelching between his toes. He looks up. It’s Felix. Jisung holds up his beer as a response. Felix squints at it, “You didn’t even take off the bottle cap.” Jisung shrugs. 

“Then I’m just sitting I guess,” he gestures to the sand next to him, “feel free to join me.” Felix sits next to him and shivers, which is kind of ridiculous because it’s over 75 degrees, but Jisung gets it. There's a breeze off the lake and the sand is cold and the night has been weird. Jisung gets it. 

“Something on your mind?” Felix asks. Jisung wants to laugh but that would just incur more questions. His mind is full. 

Instead he says, “no thoughts. head empty.” Felix snorts. “What are you thinking about?”

Felix heaves a breath, Jisung purposely does not look at him. Instead he looks at the water before Felix speaks, “I guess, just the whole night, this whole summer. I mean, the chapter is ending” 

That doesn’t feel like quite a complete thought. If Jisung knows Felix, there is more coming. Jisung speaks, to humor him, “We graduated. It feel like everythings winding down” 

Felix catches a thought and rides it, “Right, it's coming to a close, and we can all feel it, and yes Chan’s right there will be the summers, but. But what about everything else? What about everything in between?” Jisung thinks about the bonfires, about carpooling to school with friends, things he won’t do anymore. He’s been putting off thinking about this. Felix keeps going, “and what if summers aren’t enough? Like we are going to change, for the better so I’m told, but what if our betters don’t align? What if our betters take us to other places?” Jisung blinks and grips the cold beer tightly. 

Felix slips off his sandals and buries his feet deep in the sand. Jisung watches the displaced sand as Felix continues, “What if the best versions of ourselves are no longer compatible? What if in order to be who we _need_ to be we end up apart? People change and they are allowed to, I can’t be mad about that. It’s like,” Felix breathes but it’s sort of shallow, “It’s like Bam bam. Bam bam and Chan were inseparable and then in college he did that art therapy program in Madrid and now he just lives there and does important research. And I know they text, but Bam bam isn’t coming back. And he’s happy. But things change.” Jisung looks out at the water, a ship bobbing up and down in the distance. He lets Felix sit in this. He doesn’t want to interrupt him. 

“Even if things go perfectly, and that's a big if, even if things go perfectly, this might be an end. A last. And if it is,” Felix looks at Jisung, “Then there are some things I have to do, have to say.” Jisung looks back at him. He owes him to take this seriously, even if it feels like things are starting to fall apart, and he is not fully sober, he needs to take this seriously for Felix. 

“I get it. What do you have to say?” Jisung tries to make intentional eye contact as he does. The kind that means you’re listening. Felix holds his eyes for a minute, his own feel misty and Felix’s are too, but they have a determined set to them, they’re practically shining. Felix takes a breath and looks out at the water again, wriggling his sand covered toes. 

“When you left. When you left after fifth grade, and you went to your dad’s house for middle school it broke my fucking heart man.” Jisung laughs a little at this, Felix does too before continuing, “We were the september twins, we went everywhere together, when I moved here from Australia you were the reason I made it. For two years I hung off your arm every chance I could get.” Jisung remembers this. They couldn’t hang out much after school but they were both in late pick up/ homework club and in the same class. They were impossibly close, Felix was Jisung’s first sleepover. Felix continues, “and then you left. And like obviously that wasn’t your fault, like at all. But you left and I was devastated, real life heart broken and I realized I was in love with you.” Jisung takes a breath. Their friendship was intense to say the least. But Jisung doesn't know what he’s supposed to do with ten year old Felix’s broken heart _now_. 

Jisung takes a breath and with deep uncertainty in his voice he says, “I'm sorry?”, a pause and then Felix laughs. Hard. 

“Oh my god Jisung shut up I’m not done you dunce!”

“How was I supposed to know! You stopped talking!” Jisung says, playfully defensive. 

Felix steals his beer and uses the corner of his own shirt to open it, “I was collecting my thoughts asshole.” Jisung lets him: lets him take his beer and some time. Felix takes a sip, and continues, “Your mom, wouldn’t give my mom your dad’s number.” Jisung doesn’t like to think about his mom back then, but he nods, that sounds like something she would do. Felix shrugs, “I couldn’t even contact you, but I thought about you constantly. At night, when I couldn’t sleep, I pictured you there with me.” Jisung pictured it. A tanner, smaller, freckly Felix, not sleeping at night, thinking of him. 

Felix hands Jisung the bottle, Jisung takes a sip and barely grimaces at the taste, “and then you weren’t coming back. And I never saw you. I just didn’t. But I didn’t stop thinking about you. At some point my vision of you shifted, I got older and the vision of you in my head as a ten year old no longer fit, so my vision of you grew with me.” 

Jisung interrupts then. Because he’s a jerk. “Were you right? About my appearance?” Felix grins at him. 

“You were hotter in my head,” he teases, and they both laugh, before Jisung motions for him to continue. “So I stopped picturing you. I started picturing an imaginary you, who liked the same things I liked and looked like you but older, and made me feel just as safe and loved as you did,” Felix continued, “I didnt picture a ten year old you. I stopped being in love with the you I had known and instead fell for this Jisung of my imagination, who told raunchier jokes, and could talk to anyone, and could hold me, and who was handsome and loved me. And you didn’t come back so it didn’t matter that I was half in love with a you of my own creation. And then you did come back.” Felix extracts his toes from the sand. They are covered in sand and gritty. 

Now, they are at a part of the story Jisung can remember. He remembers starting high school, he saw Felix on his very first full day. He had died his hair red but he recognized him. But Felix had been sitting with friends, so he didn’t approach. Instead he sat with a girl from his Algebra II class who would turn out to be Yeji. And in the end it didn’t matter that he didn’t say hi because when he became friends with Changbin he became friends with everyone else anyway. 

“You came back and you had grown so much since ten, you weren’t that kid anymore, but you also weren’t the you I had imagined either. But fuck you were close” Felix laughs, Jisung doesn’t. “It’s like you weren’t quite as hot as in my head, but you were cute-” 

“Even with those fucking bangs?” Jisung interrupts. 

“Even with you streaky horrible bangs, and your eyes were still big and pretty, and then you had like. Wow this sounds so dumb but like bam you had legs! Like legs that looked good in those gay ass jeans you wore,” Jisung laughs at this but Felix continues on unbothered, “and there were things I got right! You were funny, and sat with different kids at lunch, and could make any of them laugh, and you were smart, in the advanced math class where I was stuck in Geometry. And it was like you came out of my head and it was such a punch in the face, because you were right there, and I just _couldn't_ do anything about it.” Jisung gets that, feeling helpless but he also can’t help but ask. 

“What stopped you?” Jisung can’t guarantee what fourteen year old him would have said, but he doesn’t think he would have been mean. 

Felix laughs, and somehow it feels a little mean. “Because I didn’t know if you were gay, and then when I found out, it was because you were dating a different guy.” Oops, yeah Jisung remembers that, him and Eric. What a disaster. “And then you guys broke up, and I actually started hanging out with you that summer. For real, and I had you as a friend again, a real friend. And I knew, I knew you didn’t like me like that. And I had just gotten you back, we were friends again, and I didn’t want to push you away. So I didn’t.” Jisung hands him the beer. 

“So what happened next?” Jisung asks. 

“You were there. I didn’t say anything, I buried it, I dated other boys and kissed even more.”

“Slut.” Felix shoves him without looking. 

“And then I compared every boy to you, even when I was happy, when I was in love, I couldn’t help but think about you. I guess, I’ve always held a torch for you Han Jisung.” Those words are heavy. They hang in the air, it deafens everything around them, not the waves or the music or the people shouting behind them get through. Not even the cicadas. He continues, “but things are changing. I’m going to be in Ithaca and I don’t want to compare everyone to you anymore. So here it is,” Felix takes a sip of the beer, “I’ve loved you Jisung, and now I want to be something other than this. So I’ve told you and I need you to let me move forward.”

Jisung doesn’t know what to say, but Felix deserves more than silence so he opens his mouth, “You meant so much to me then too. I never managed to make a decent friend in middle school, I thought of you all the time.” Jisung tries to smile at him, kindly and a little sorry, “But i can’t say it was in the same way. I thought of you though, what would you think of this minecraft mod? Would you like this teacher? What books were you doing your reports on? I missed you. I wanted to talk to you on that first day of highschool but I didn’t want to be weird.” He takes a breath and makes himself make eye contact with Felix, like his mom insists on when they talk about feelings. “Felix I care about you so much. You mean so much to me. There was a time when you were the most important person in my life, but I don’t love you.” And doesn't Jisung just feel like the biggest asshole, but he continues anyway, “Go to Ithaca and meet guys and just meet them. Thank you for loving me, but let me go, because there are so many guys more worthy of your love.”

Jisung takes the beer, puts it into the sand, and holds his arms out. Felix crosses the gap easily, throwing his arms around Jisung’s neck, Jisung hugs him tight. He feels sorry, sorry that Felix was hurting and Jisung didn’t know, and sorry that he can’t give him what he wants. He’s sorry that he ever had to leave him in the first place, sorry for everything. So he tells him. He whispers it into the space next to his ear, “sorry, sorry, I'm sorry.” Felix shakes his head, he’s not saying anything but Jisung’s shoulder is damp where his head is resting on it, so Jisung changes tactics. Instead he holds him tighter and says into his soft, bleach damaged hair, “Thank you, thank you, thank you.” 

Felix mumbles something into his neck but Jisung can’t understand, “What?” 

Felix detaches, “Thank you.” Jisung hugs him again, because he doesn’t know what to say, but he also just sort of needs a hug. It’s been a day. Felix squeezes him tighter just for a second and then lets go. Jisung lets go too. Jisung squeezes Felix’s hand and tries to think of something to say, but a noise behind them reaches them first. 

Jisung turns and is met with the chorus of goodbye and boos as people depart. He squints. He needs to update his contact prescription and it’s especially apparent at night, and he can just make out Jeno waving goodbye, tugging along a tipsy Renjun and the rest of his party. If they were adventurers, embarking on a quest, they would surely fail. 

“Huh, there goes my ride” Jisung remarks as he watches Jeongin and Beomgyu race up the steps, Jeno trails behind with Renjun on his back, Minho walks next to him. 

“Seungmin is driving me home, he could probably get you too, he’s got enough seats.” Felix says.

“You ready to go back and join them?” Jisung asks, and Felix nods, he stands and pulls Jisung up. Jisung doesn't bother putting his shoes back on, but Felix steps forward and washes his feet off in the water quickly before putting his sandals back on. 

The group has splintered off, some people have already left, Jisung must have missed their exit. Changbin and Seungmin are in a circle with Yeri and Chaeyoung, and the two Hyunjins and Heejin. Chan is talking, he thinks they might be playing some sort of game. Maybe he’s just telling a story. Felix sit’s between Seungmin and Changbin, so Jisung goes on Changbin’s other side, in between him and Chaeyoung. 

Changbin bumps him with his arm and raises an eyebrow, asking where he was, where he’s at now. Jisung just shakes his head, in a way that could mean later, or not doing well. Jisung feels tired, and overwhelmed. He puts dealing with the whole Changbin thing on the back burner, because he doesn’t have the space right now for it. He needs his best friend, he needs to rest his head on Changbins warm, solid, shoulder and zone out to process all this. So he does, and it feels good, just as warm and good smelling as it’s always been, but now it hurts. He pushes past that.

Felix has joined whatever conversation is happening but instead of following, Jisung rests his head, his neck hurts constantly these days from slouching, and Chaeyoung moves her arms so he can rest his feet in her lap. Times like this, when he feels tired and overwhelmed, and out of sorts, he desperately wishes for a car. He can drive, sort of, he has his learners permit and all the necessary hours, but he needs to take the test at his dad’s for insurance and it just hasn’t happened. Even if he did have a license he doesn’t have a car, but still the option would be nice. Whatever, he’s not sober enough to drive anyway, even if that was an option.

He comes back into the conversation when Changbin laughs loudly, and the vibrations of it snap him out of his funk a bit, Changbin’s laugh is pretty ridiculous. He listens as they reminisce on stories from summers past, when Changbin still worked in the lot, the giant storm that rolled through two years ago that had the workers in the basement for three hours because of lightning sightings near the lot. Of the patty cake games Yeri had taught everyone that Chan was weirdly good at. Talking about these things made him nostalgic, which felt stupid because the summer wasn’t even over yet. He hides his face when Chaeyoung reminds him the time Jisung got caught making out with Minho in the staff parking lot, and everyone laughs at him. Admittedly hooking up in a car while a concert was still going on was not his smartest decision. Luckily no one told the higher ups or they would have both been fired, and Minho might have never gotten his promotion to be a co-manager, Jisung would have had to get a different relaxed summer job. 

Jisung and Minho briefly hooked up for a period of three weeks last summer, Jisung had mostly forgotten about it. The whole time Jisung was well aware that Minho was using him as a way to get over some senior in his dance program, and Jisung didn’t mind because, well, Minho was, and is, hot. 

Kim Hyunjin gets up and Heejin goes with her, but Seungmin makes her come back and give him his pants back, because he’s a killjoy. They leave soon after that too, but not before Jisung watches Changbin go with Chan, helping him carry his guitar and speaker up the towering wooden switchback stairs. He wonders if this is the night they fuck. He kind of wants to throw up. 

He doesn’t throw up, and he doesn’t put his shoes back on as he climbs the stairs with Felix and Seungmin a few minutes later. He listens to them banter, playfully, he throws in his own comments. The talk of the evening is Jeno and Renjun, they feel inevitable, but Felix thinks Renjun has too much sense. 

“He wouldn’t start it, no matter how much he cares, and then fuck off to Michigan for college, I don’t think he would do long distance, he’s too practical.” 

“It doesn’t matter what's practical, even if its doomed, you see the way they look at each other, no ones smart in love” Seungmin counters earnestly. 

Jisung butts in, “But how do we know either of them are in love?” They both go silently consider this as they continue climbing, Jisung continues, “what if it’s just a crush that ruins a friendship when they try long distance?” 

Seungmin doesn’t answer, but after a minute Felix says, “I guess we’ll just have to see.”

Felix gets dropped off first, and Jisung moves into the front seat and taps his fingers on the dashboard of Seungmin’s CRV to boy pablo and tries to ignore his thoughts. Seungmin slows down when they get to his neighborhood. 

“You didn’t flirt with me at all today,” Seungmin says, his eyes forward. Huh, Jisung had other stuff on his mind. 

Confusion colors his voice when he replies, “Did you want me too?” 

Seungmin shrugs, “Not really.” Jisung snorts. Seungmin pulls into Jisung’s driveway and puts the car in park before looking at him, “But are you okay?” He sounds like it physically pains him to say, that asking makes him feel that awkward. 

Jisung probably isn’t okay. “I had a weird high, I think I smoked too much,” Jisung replies instead, Seungmin squints at him. Jisung isn’t going to let Kim Seungmin of all people know his inner thoughts and feelings, “im serious I’m fine” he really needs to lay it on thick, “but if you want to come inside and see just how fine I am, be my guest.” 

Finally Seungmin rolls his eyes, and puts the car in reverse but doesn’t move, “Goodnight Jisung.” Jisung laughs and hops out heading up the stairs, when he gets to the top he can see Seungmin’s headlights disappearing around the corner. 

Jisung wakes up to sunlight on his face and Carlos’ voice, “Heya sport.” Jisung stretches and groans. 

“What’s up Dr. Allatorre,” he shoots back with his thick morning voice. The nicknames are an inside joke, an impression of every step dad from TV, a way to avoid having to call each other clunky names but acknowledging that Carlos is in no way Jisung’s dad. 

“I'm about to head out for the conference so I thought I would say bye.” Jisung remembers this. Carlos gives workshops about twice a year to districts about incorporating STEM and the STEAM in ESL classrooms. It used to seem hyper specific to Jisung, but then he watched one of Carlos’ talks on youtube and even he couldn’t deny that he felt a little fired up. “I’ll be back in three days, but, well, just look out for your mom okay?” Oh, Carlos, always so sweet. 

Jisung gives him a thumbs up, without sitting up, “you got it sir” Carlos snorts from the doorway but thanks him anyway. Jisung wishes him safe travels and tries to go back to bed after he closes the door but it doesn't seem to be happening. He checks his phone, 8:26, six hours of sleep will have to do, he has gotten by with far less but it’s summer and he feels lazy, and he doesn’t have work today. It would have been the perfect day to sleep in.

He dicks around on his phone for a bit, clicking in and out of apps until he feels bored and drags himself out of bed. His mom is eating her breakfast on the couch, yogurt with cut up peaches. Jisung grabs two peaches and joins her on the couch. 

“How was the bonfire?” She asks, she’s mostly stirring her yogurt more than actually eating it. Jisung thinks about last night.There were some good things but the thought of it makes him somewhat nauseous. 

He answers her question with another question, “Do you remember Felix?”

She scoffs, “Yes I remember your friend Felix, I’m pregnant not an amnesiac,” She says but Jisung shakes his head. 

“No, not Felix now, but do you remember Felix from elementary school? Before I lived with dad?” This gives her pause, she stops stirring her yogurt, and really thinks. He feels a little guilty about this, he tries not to make her think of back then. He doesn’t much like to think of it either. Or of middle school in his dad’s airy empty house. After a minute or two she speaks. 

“I think so. My memories of that time are so fuzzy, his mom didn’t like me very much, He had freckles. And his accent was thicker.” She pauses, stirs her yogurt, Jisung doesn’t speak, he can feel more coming, “He liked you so much. I loved him for that.” 

Jisung closes his eyes. This hurts. It hurts to remember his mom in that time, his parents fighting, his mom drunk, his dad trying desperately to keep it from him. He had shitty friends, and then he had Felix, and even his mom, not present as she was, could tell that he cared. He grabs his mom’s hand. 

“I’m sorry” Jisung says.

“Why did you ask?” She says instead, never one to admit her own vulnerability. 

Jisung can lie to his mom, he does it all the time, but he doesn’t want to talk to anyone else about this, “last night he told me he loved me. That he has loved me, since then.” He doesn't expand.

His mom squeezes his hand. “That was nice of him.” 

“I know. I said thank you” 

“I'm glad you remembered you manners,” Jisung laughs, “My polite boy”

Jisung whines, “Stop. I didn’t know what to say.” 

“Thank you is a good thing to say. Loving someone can be painful,” she squeezes his hand and then lets go to keep eating her yogurt, “it was very unselfish of him to not tell you. To not have any expectations. He must be very strong.” 

Jisung nods “He is.” His peach tastes sweet when he bites it. “Do you work today?” 

“Yeah, I have two house calls in Tree Circle. I think one of them might be one of your friend’s moms.” Jisung pushes down the swell of embarrassment that threatens to rise in him. 

“If they have mints in their front hall make sure you take them they usually are pretty good.” 

“Thanks for the tip, squirt.” Jisung’s phone buzzes. It’s group me, which can only mean it’s the work group chat. 

Jisung clicks over, thinking of the microphone in his amazon wish list. It’s Yuta, “Last minute but for an event this afternoon I just need one person, projection is under 30”, easy money Jisung instantly replies. Turns out he does have work today, 3:00-7:00. 

Fuck he also has to buy weed today. He sends a quick text to his dealer asking when he’s free, it feels weird to do this with his mom right there, but she never snoops at his phone, and it would be more suspicious if he got up to text. Jaehyun responds almost instantly, “we are around all day stop by whenever.” 

Jisung finishes his peaches, and lets his mom kiss his cheeks before wandering back to his room, to work on some songs. And watches playthrough because he can’t be productive all the time. His mom calls bye around ten before she leaves and he shouts well wishes from his bed before rolling back over to stare at his laptop some more. 

Jisung eats leftover lasagna for lunch. Nice. 

At twelve Jisung puts on his work uniform and a sweatshirt over, even though it’s almost unbearably hot, grabs his bag and gets on his bike. He feels like sweating before he even starts biking, but he doesn’t take off his hoodie because it’s best to avoid buying illegal marijuana while proudly broadcasting your high class employer. 

After the thirty minutes it takes to get to the downtown strip of Forest Park, Jisung is feeling pretty drenched. He parks and locks his bike in front of the bakery and takes off his headphones. He walks two doors down and enters the door next to the mediterraenean place and walks up the steep flight of stairs to get to the apartments on top. The apartments here aren’t great, but its a nice location, with a nice view that looks out at the street below, and the whole building smells vaguely of falafel which Jisung always thinks is pretty nice. 

He knocks on 212 and wonders if he should have sent Jaehyun a text first but, before he can ponder that the door is opened by Jaehyun’s boyfriend and Jisung is hit by a wave of air conditioner and fancenscense, lemon grass and weed smell, on top of the underlying falafel smell. Jungwoo, Jaehyun’s boyfriend holds the door open for Jisung, smiling at him. Jungwoo and Jaehyun have been dating for what feels like forever, but really one fall Jaehyun went on a trip to hike the Pacific Crest Trail, and when he came back he had a tan and Jungwoo. Jungwoo was a psychic, the kind that was wildly popular online and gave readings over facetime and communed with the dead from his kitchen table. 

Jungwoo was undeniably pretty but in a far away sort of way, his smile was big but his eyes always felt like they were looking through Jisung, he wore large dangling crystal earings in both ears and had multiple pendants around his neck. He wore makeup, light purple all around his eyes, and red near his tear ducts in the same auburn of his wavy hair. He was wearing a loose peasant shirt with soft nearly see through billowy sleeves, with short nike running shorts and knee high brown socks. He looked impossible to place in any time or place but his voice is soft and melodic as he calls out to Jaehyun, “Love, your Crystal Child is here.” 

Jaehyun rounds the corner with his trademark grey sweatpants and red eyes and smiles at Jisung kindly, “Hey Jisung, come on in, i'm back here.” Jisung toes off his sneakers and follows Jaehyun further into the air conditioning, Jungwoo softly padding into the kitchen. Jaehyun has been Jisung’s dealer since he started smoking sophomore year, and he had known of him when he was younger, everyone knew when he dropped out after junior year but stuck around. 

Jisung plops down on the loveseat as Jaehyun takes out what he has to offer. Jisung knows very little about weed and usually just takes whatever Jaehyun recommends or whatever has a cool name. Last time he had “Blue Magic,” and that was pretty good. Jaehyun has four strains right now, and he’s halfway through explaining the second one, a sativa Jisung is already afraid of, when Jungwoo wanders back in and puts cups down in front of both Jaehyun and Jisung. Jungwoo floats out again and comes back in with his own cup and to Jisung’s great surprise Jungwoo settles next to him on the couch instead of Jaehyun. Jisung decides on something called “Magical Realism” because Jaehyun recommends it and Jisung had to write about it in class for four years now he wants to have some fun with it. 

Jisung takes a sip of the drink, it’s iced tea, and pulls up Venmo to pay Jaehyun. Jaehyun takes a hit and holds up the bong, “do you want one?” 

“Thanks but I have work in like,” he checks his phone, “two hours so I probably should not.” Jaehyun nods and hands it to Jungwoo. Jungwoo takes the cleanest pull Jisung has ever seen, cleaner than Jaehyun, and cocks his head to the side, his earrings jingling. 

“Hmmm but that’s not what's weighing on you is it?” Jungwoo’s soft voice says, easy like paper falling slowly. 

“What do you mean?” Jisung asks back. 

Jungwoo gestures to him, “You’re troubled Crystal Child, something turned your world upside down and I see its burden heavy in your sensitive heart.” Ouch, Jisung has half the mind to be annoyed at being called sensitive, but also he can’t help but feel found out. He doesn't believe in psychics thinking them instead to be good at reading people, but even if Jungwoo is just very perceptive it makes Jisung feel known. 

Jaehyun interrupts then, “You don’t have to answer if it makes you uncomfortable Sung, Jungwoo can back off, but if you're open to it, it could help whatever's going on.” 

“What would you do?” Jisung finds himself asking Jungwoo before he thinks. 

“I would do a reading, consider it buy one get one free,” he says pointing to the weed and then himself, “the reading could offer some clarity, and, well, talking about it out loud could also help.” He smiles kindly in a way that still manages to unsettle Jisung just a bit, “I’ve been told I'm a good listener.” And doesn’t that sound nice. 

So Jisung follows Jungwoo to a small circular kitchen table, a stained glass lamp above painting the room in a soft glow. There's more tea in a pitcher on the table and a small bowl, from which Jungwoo takes a sugar free lollipop, like the ones bank tellers might have, and gives it to Jisung. Jisung sucks on it, strawberry rhubarb. Nice. 

Jungwoo takes out a deck of tarot cards with gold edges and starts shuffling them, he flips and cuts the deck and asks Jisung questions, “Where?” “When?” “However you like.” until Jisung has plucked three cards before him that he slowly flips over. He’s met with soft colors and an art style he remembers from when he’s seen this done before, but instead of the figures he remembers these have softer smudgy features and rounder more playful postures. 

Jungwoo looks at him with his placid far away eyes, “do you want me to explain like, what theses are or just to read them for you?” Jisung considers this, he doesn’t know anything about tarot, but it seems neat. 

“Maybe a little explanation but I’d rather you just tell me what it means for me” Jungwoo nods and looks down at the cards. Starting with the first one, Jungwoo’s fingers dance over it, a frown on his face. Jisung looks at the card, it’s upside down, Jisung knows that means something, “That sure is a lot of cups.” 

Jungwoo nods, “ten of them.” Jisung waits for him to continue, one of Jungwoo’s hands trace the next card but comes back to the cups. “I’m sorry about your parents, it’s scary to watch that happen.” Jisung stiffens but forces himself to relax, he forces his mouth to open, and he reminds himself that Jungwoo is a stranger, a strange stranger, and he can be honest with him as his opinions won’t ruin him. 

“It was very hard” It’s not much but Jungwoo nods like it is. 

“And your mom” Jungwoo makes a face like he watched a toddler fall from a high place, “i'm so sorry, your stability taken from you, and so young, but,” his fingers trace the next card, a full moon, “somethings coming, something new and beautiful involving her.” Jungwoo looks up at Jisung, “is your mom pregnant?” 

This is freaky, Jisung swears he doesn’t believe in psychics or anything but here he is, nodding his head anyway. 

“It’s so good and beautiful, but still it must be hard for you, more change, seeing her like this even if you want it for her.” Jungwoo strokes the cards, almost reverently, “so much instability even now.” he grimaces, Jisung is hanging on to his every word, “even now there is instability, things that you were sure of are changing and developing,” Jungwoo taps the moon, “trust yourself. And change with it, don’t force yourself to hold on, trust that you can weather this,” he points to the cups, “you’ve survived worse, trust yourself to adapt and be prepared to make some sacrifices, where you can.” Jungwoo stares up at Jisung with his porcelain skin and haunted eyes, “Does that mean anything to you?” 

“Yeah. I’m not-”, he takes a breath, “trusting myself is hard.” he finishes lamely. Jungwoo shakes his head. 

“You can still ask for help, you can still seek advice, and you will find it in spades, but trust in yourself, in your feelings and capabilities.” Jisung tries to nod in a way that conveys confidence and understanding. He’s not sure he pulls it off. 

Jungwoo rests his face in his palms as he considers the final card, the fool. 

Jungwoo reaches out a beringed hand and Jisung takes it without having to think about it, “Things are changing, yes everything feels scary right now but this is good, your world is opening up, let these new things in, they are going to be a blessing.” Jungwoo squeezes his palm, “let yourself hope again, earnestly. If not yet then soon. Yes things are changing, but they aren't leaving. You might have to change in order to keep things.” Jisung squeezes Jungwoos hand, holding on tightly, “share more of yourself with the world.” Jungwoo looks up at Jisung. 

“Thank you.” Jisung feels choked up, he hates, not for the first time in his life, how quick he is to emotion. His throat feels thick, Jungwoo is kind and he knows he could pretend this is all fake, but it doesn’t feel that way. It doesn’t seem bad, it seems nice even, but Jisung is so sick of not know. Tired of the constant shifting, and resettling, and routines that will exist only to be broken. He wipes at his eyes furiously with the hand thats not holding Jungwoo’s, “fuck sorry,” he feels weird making excuses to Jungwoo, “i’m just.”

“Remember, I’m a _really_ good listener” Jisung laughs and decides to stop thinking. Even though that never works.

“Im just” He starts and stops and starts again, “Im just so fucking tired, so fucking exhausted. I’m happy for my mom, I'm scared. I’m really scared, moving out, going down state, their starting a family together. God I have no idea what's happening with my dad. Like ever. I haven’t seen him since graduation. I need to visit him, I _need_ to, to like be a good son. I don’t. I don’t know what's happening with, with my best friend.” Jisung takes a breath and Jungwoo wraps his free hand around the one already clasping Jisungs. His hands are so big and warm and soft. 

“The one you are pulled towards?” Jungwoo asks innocently, but still it makes Jisung shiver. Freaky. 

“Yeah. I mean we’ve been best friends for a while, and we’ve been fucking around? Or maybe hooking up? For about three or four months and. I think,” he takes a breath, “I think I caught feelings.” Jungwoo keeps squeezing his hand but doesn’t say anything, it sort of feels like a bad omen. He continues, “Which is stupid of me, because I know he likes someone else. Someone who matches him better, and I’m. I’m. I’m. I’m scared, because I know things are changing but I don’t want to lose him. But I think I’ve felt things for him for a while, and i'm just now realizing it. And fuck it hurts so much.” 

“Trust yourself. Figure out how you feel and trust it,” Jungwoo tugs on their hands so Jisung has to look in his national geographic wild eyes, “you have good sense and a sensitive heart, don’t pollute it. Trust your intuition. There are good new beginnings coming, I can’t guarantee from where, but look out for them. You don’t deserve the pain.” And for some reason that does it for Jisung.

He doesn’t cry, but it's a near thing. Jisung tucks his face to his chest and scrunches his eyes tight. Breathing is difficult suddenly. Everything that sits just outside his vision, that creeps up his spine like vines suddenly is all too clear. Not laid bare, but close to it. His throat feels heavy and full and breathing is hard but trying not to throw up is harder, it feels like, well it feels like shit. It feels like Jisung is drowning and he only just now cared to notice. 

He tries to remind himself to stop being dramatic, but that only makes him feel worse. Instead he listens to Jungwoo, who has taken one hand away to come through Jisung’s sweaty gross hair. 

“You don’t deserve the pain. No one does. You’re gonna make it Crystal child. You don’t deserve to hurt.” 

Jisung wonders when he started telling himself that he did. 

Jisung manages to calm down after that, and drinks more of Jungwoo’s tea. He digs a peach out of his bag and hands it to him. It’s not much but Jungwoo looks delighted, sincerely. His phone beeps, an alert warning him he has thirty minutes before work. He has to go. Jisung wipes his eyes and waves goodbye before Jungwoo envelopes him in a hug. Jisung didn’t realize just how fucking tall Jungwoo was, he sinks into him, he’s soft and solid, but not the kind of solid he’s used to. Not the kind he craves. 

Jungwoo opens the door and follows Jisung into the hallway. Jisung goes to ask a question but quickly has to close his mouth to not ingest the half a can of febreeze Jungwoo is spraying at him. After he’s done he smiles, somewhat deviously. 

“Can’t have you going to work smelling like our den of iniquity!” and he closes the door behind him. Jisung laughs and goes to work. About a block away from Jaehyun and Jungwoos, Jisung finally takes off his sweatshirt and shoves it in his bag before putting in his headphones, a rap playlist for when he’s sad but doesn't want anything lyrical, and heads to work. Jisung gets early and waves hi to Yuta in the lot before putting his sunscreen on. 

Yuta is older, he’s older than Minho at least, and what really sets him apart from everyone else in the lot, is that he’s the only one who isn’t from Forest Park and the surrounding area. Jeno and Yeri where from a town to the north, and Beomgry was from a village about twenty minutes east but that was about it. Everyone in the lot had either gone to Jisung’s highschool or played against them in sports, the one exception being Yuta. Yuta was from Osaka and he lived in the big city about forty-five minutes away. That was about all Jisung knew about him. 

Yuta’s hair is long and on hot days like this, he ties it in a little red ponytail at the base of his skull, Yeri says the girls that work in Yuta’s lot like to braid it when it's slow at work. Yuta waves him over to the gate where he was standing ready to park the Bart over to the gate. 

Yuta opens the trunk of his minivan as he talks to Jisung, “The projection is so low today, I figured we could both work here, I know you have some experience on gate anyway.” Yuta shoves things around in his trunk, “and I’m not sending anything down to Lewis today, It’s just us we can park the cars that do show up on the Bart together.” Jisung watches Yuta heave one, then two, camping chairs out of the back of his car, he hands one to Jisung. 

Jisung starts to unfold it, “I thought we weren’t allowed to sit on the job?” 

Yuta unfolds his and plops down, smiling mischievously at Jisung, “ Yeah but I'm the boss. And I won’t tell the admin if you don’t okay?” Jisung nods but Yuta continues, this is the most Jisung has ever heard him talk, “plus it’s the least we can do when we know we won’t be busy and also aren’t allowed to go on our phones.” 

The man has a point. Jisung finishes unfolding his chair and slumps into it. He starts to zone out, which means he starts to think of Changbin. He thinks of the time Changbin held Jisung on his shoulders for fifteen minutes so he could hang the banners for Hyunjins birthday, of the way he had complained but not let Jisung get down when he offered. He thinks of the way Changbin has changed for Jisung. Little things. Like not suggesting they go out to eat at certain places, after Jisung had explained sophomore year that he just couldn’t afford it, and it made him embarrassed, and put him in a weird spot. Changbin had never suggested they go to a group dinner at Benihana or Morton’s Steakhouse again. Little things like letting Jisung’s mom hug him and coddle him even if he was uncomfortable with it at first, even when at his home things are kept unsaid. Little things that were big things. Big things like going with him to his dad’s house, like spending two days once a month at Jisung's dad's house ninety minutes and a state line away. Big things like driving the ninety minutes with Jisung so he doesn’t have to take the train, and doesn’t have to sit in the weird stilted silences of his dad’s house alone. Big things like filling those silences. 

He can’t think about this anymore. So, he stops himself. Instead he decides, this is a great time to learn more about his cryptid boss who currently has his sunglasses on and his face tipped up towards the sun. 

“Do you wear sunscreen?” Jisung asks, because he’s an absolute fool. 

“My roommate makes me put it on every morning and sometimes I’ll do some of that spray to reapply but I should be better about it.You’re wearing sunscreen right?”

“Yeah. I used to not but now I do” God, Jisung wants to ‘cool story bro’ himself, but it's not 2015 and also that’s his boss right there.

Yuta shocks Jisung with what he says next, “Are Yeri and Chaeyoung dating yet?”

“If Yeri finds her balls and asks Chae out then they finally would be.” Talking to yuta gets easier after that. They talk about lot gossip, apparently the kids on the B shift are like 70% foolish lesbians, 30% gamers, 100% idiots. No wonder Yuta always looks so tired. He talks about his roommate a lot. His roommate who had packed him snacks (they were delicious, he had shared them with Jisung) his roommate who never sleeps and instead plays video games at five in the morning. His roommate who insists on doing both of their laundry because he has opinions on the right way to do it. His roommate who feed the stray cats on their porch. 

Jisung tells him about his friends too. They laugh at Jeno’s obvious crush and things feel a little less heavy. Jisung tries to ask about Japan but something pinches on Yuta’s face so they move on to different things, like anime. Apparently Yuta is a big fan, and no one will talk to him about it. 

Jisung’s phone buzzes in his pocket, Yuta gives him permission to check it.

 **Trash Bin** (4:48) 

what are u doing rn?

 **Han Jisung** (4:48) 

work till 7

 **Trash Bin** (4:49) 

i thought it was ur day off? :(( wanna come to mine after?

Jisung hates that Changbin texts like that, he hates that he can picture Changbin making that face. Before Jisung can respond Changbin shamelessly double texts. And why should he feel shame they’re only best frie-

 **Trash Bin** (4:50) 

my dog misses u bro

 **Han Jisung** (4:51)

your dog hates me

 **Trash Bin** (4:52) 

…….just come over? 4 me ???????? 

**Han Jisung** (4:54) 

k but you have to get me

 **Trash Bin** (4:54) 

bet

  
A car across the street stops at the stop light and Dean’s Half Moon drifts out the window, Jisung can’t help but sing along. Jisung loves Dean, this song in particular is on his playlist for singing in the shower and the car ride to his dad’s house. Changbin doesn’t sing along, sometimes he’ll rap with him, but mostly they like to take turns, and like to hype each other up. Jisung keeps singing along, quietly, as the car pulls away, Dean's voice going with it, and surprisingly before Jisung’s voice can peter out, Yuta’s voice joins it. In Korean. Jisung stops for a second, looking at him, but Yuta keeps singing so so does Jsung, growing louder and more confident. When the time comes, Jisung sings Gaeko’s part and doesn’t feel weird about it. Yuta’s voice isn’t anything special, but maybe with some effort and training it could be, but right now its warm and steady and Jisung’s vocal quality is stunted by how much he’s smiling. When the finish the song Jisung laughs.

“When did _you_ learn Korean! I barely speak Korean!” Jisung says playfully, accusatory, it’s a lie anyway, he’s fluent. 

Yuta smiles, its a very very wide smile, “you’ll never believe this one,” he laughs, “My roommate.” Jisung laughs too, he feels giddy, Yuta continues, “I forgot you could sing! You and Changbin make music right?”

“I normally rap, i'm not a singer,” Jisung’s insecurity blurts out before he can shove it down, instead he adds on, “but singing can be fun. Yeah Changbin and I like to compose together, write together, produce and all that.” He pauses, frowns at a crack in the asphalt, “but Changbin has his fancy internship and he’s producing more with Chan now. Do you know him?”

“I have no clue who that is but he’s a prick if he’s stealing your man” Jisung snorts. 

“Changbin is not my man, but maybe he’s my producing buddy. If anything Changbin’s cheating on me with his fancy internship, and new connections and Chan’s nicer equipment.” Jisung tries to laugh but it's a little strained. Oops he probably shouldn't be complaining about this to his boss. 

Yuta pinches his face, “ew, who cares if he’s some fancy rich boy with his nice equipment and his connections.” 

Jisung suddenly feels very protective over his best friend “Changbin’s not like that, he’s talented he’s not just better because he’s rich-” 

Yuta cuts him off, “who said anything about being better? I’ve met Changbin and he’s a delight and I’m sure his music is great, especially if you work together I just. It’s not fair.” 

Jisung shakes his head, “it’s not” 

Yuta thinks for a moment and brightens up again, “well why not try and even the playing field! It’s not a guarantee but my roommate is a rapper in the city, I work with him in the year, all his stuff is in my car right now. He could be a connection for you. He’s not an internship, but he is known.”

“What his name?” Jisung asks, trying to keep the skepticism from his voice. 

“Do you know TY?” Does Jisung know TY? Does Jisung know TY?!!? He’s been following his soundcloud since he was sixteen. He follows him on twitter and watches clips from his house shows online, envious and longing and desperate to have that someday. TY lives in the city, and commands an online fanbase spaning accross countries and oceans, repressed gay kids who have daddy issues and regret half their decisions all over the world listen in to TY rap about just that. He has a hard voice and a sensitive heart and Jisung one time had a wet dream about his voice coming out of his teacher's mouth. Jisung follows his twitter and his soundcloud and his spotify and a fan account that makes acoustic covers of his songs. 

“Your roommate is TY?!” Jisung asks incredulously, his mouth hanging open dumbly. 

“Yeah! Do you know him?”

“Yes I know him! Literally Yestoday was one of my songs of the year!” Yuta smiles at that, wide and unhinged, full of teeth and pride. 

“He’s the best. I didn’t even like rap before him. I can’t promise anything but I can show your music to him if you give me your Soundcloud?”

“Yeah oh my god thank you so much.” Jisung takes out his phone and sends a private message to Yuta for the first time not for work, to send him a link to his Soundcloud, J. One. 

“Either way, if he’s down with what your doing or not, you should come through on Thursday night, we’re doing a house show for TY and a bunch of other friends from the scene, there's gonna be a ton of people there it would be good for your own connection and just to see it for yourself.” 

Jisung is stunned, “even if he doesn’t like my music?” 

Yuta smiles, more mischievous than anything else, “I pay just as much rent as he does, as far as I’m concerned this party is as much mine as his” He winks. 

Jisung can’t help but laugh again, “I guess I have my own connections now. Just one.” 

“For now. One connection for now.” Yuta smiles at him. Yuta opens up, just a little, he doesn’t say why, but he had to leave Japan, and he came here without much. He got this job with no connections, it’s one of the reasons he likes it so much, you don’t need to know people to park cars, also apparently once you become a supervisor there's pretty good benefits. He could have given up this job a couple years ago, given up polo shirts and no chairs, given up khakis and entitled patrons, but he would have also given up dental insurance and the assurance that he didn’t get the job based on who he knows and what he can boast about. Yuta can introduce him to people, get him in the door, but eventually Jisung’s music will have to speak for itself. Jisung prays that it will be enough. 

Jisung tells him that his mom is a massage therapist, and that his dad sells used cars, and Yuta smiles with his too many teeth. Jisung would bet his left hand (not his right, he needed that to jerk off), that Yuta had given at least one instagram the caption “eat the rich.” 

Eventually more cars come, and Yuta and Jisung park them together. Jisung almost falls over laughing so hard when Yuta calls a particularly snooty elderly patron a, “drying desperate raisin” in Korean behind his back. In the end they park twenty-one cars and Yuta smiles as they fold the chairs back up to put in Yuta’s trunk. Jisung can see now that it's full of speakers and wires, and turntable equipment, a voice in the back of Jisung’s head excitedly squeals about seeing TY’s stuff. 

“Are you working tomorrow?” Yuta asks, shutting his trunk.

“Nope” Jisung says popping the p, he had planned to watch a movie and finish taking an online placement test for his math requirement at the state school.

“Do you want to? Another pretty chill shift, I was going to text about it tonight but it’s yours if you want it.” Jisung wants it, Yuta says he’ll text him the details later and at that they wave their goodbyes. Jisung grabs his bike and walks it down the street and around the corner where he knows Changbin will be waiting. He doesn’t ride it, he needs to give himself the full minute to collect himself, and take stock. He feels pretty gross, sweaty and sunscreen-y and stiff from riding earlier, but he’s happier. Lighter than last night and this morning, Jungwoo had taken something away and Yuta had given something lighter back. Jisung was excited to see his best friend. 

When Jisung rounds the corner to Maple, Changbin is there, waiting for him in his little grey Toyota, his windows down, he waves at Jisung through the open window with one dislocated arm. Jisung flips him off but can’t keep a straight face and laughs as he does it. Changbin pops the trunk and Jisung’s bike barely fits, but Jisung knew it would, they’ve done this before. 

Jisung hops in shotgun, ignores the duffels in the back seat and buckles his seatbelt. When Jisung finally looks at him, Changbin has his lips pulled wide and down and a vacant look in his eyes, he cracks as soon as Jisung does. 

“What the fuck? How long were you making that face” Jisung says

“I was waiting for you to look at me” Changbin says, he’s fake pouting and being obnoxious but the words still do something to Jiung, make his ears tingle maybe. 

“Shut up” Jisung says and turns the music up, because that is the best way to get Changbin to stop, Changbin’s oldies playlist bounces around the car . Changbin acquiesces, and drives, tapping his hands to the beat of The Who’s “My Generation” .

“Why is this literally “Ok Boomer” the song?” Jisung asks after a minute of listening, Changbin snorts. 

“Dude The Who _are_ boomers.” They laugh and everything feels a little bit easier, but still Jisung doesn’t turn the music down, he likes how they have to talk loudly to speak over it. Changbin talks loudly but his voice doesn’t feel grating “How was work?”

“Good, I might be in love with anti-capitalist Yuta, and also I feel very sweaty and gross. Can I shower at yours?” Changbin laughs but agrees. The song changes to Jet’s “Are You Gonna Be My Girl” and Changbin is instantly amped. His shoulders are bouncing cutely along to the beat and Changbin is ready at the first lyric, “1,2,3 take my hand and come with me!” Jisung laughs at his antics

Unconsciously Changbin has started to go faster in all his excitement, easily going forty in a twenty five. Jisung feels a little nervous but Changbin looks so happy, singing, never really closing his mouth. 

“I know we ain't got much to say” the light in front of them has been green for a while, Changbin is looking at him. “Before I let you get away, yeah” Jisung laughs and looks away, this stupid, stupid ,boy. The lights turning yellow. “I said, are you gonna be my girl” The lights turning, Changbin isn’t even looking at the road, staring at Jisung as he sings the words. 

“CHANGBIN RED” Jisung says, the light is so close, he thinks he might be too late, Changbin whips his head to road, holds his arm against Jisung’s chest and slams on the brakes, barely making it. Jisung expects Changbin to apologize. Jisung expects Changbin to look sheepish. He doesn’t. He looks excited and unashamed using the red light as an opportunity to lay it on thick. 

“Because you look so fine,” Changbin is using his hands now, and shouting with his low scratchy voice, “And I really wanna make you mine.” Changbin _needs_ to stop looking at him like that. Like he means it. When he doesn’t. When his eyes are filled with laughter. “I say you look so fine” Changbin snatches one of Jisung’s hands and Jisung can feel his eyes go wide, “That I really wanna make you mine.” Jisung is going to combust. No. He’s going to melt and Changbin is going to have to spend all day with a Mr. Clean magic eraser cleaning him up. Maybe he would just pay someone else to do it. 

“With a face like that do you, honey” Changbin boops Jisung’s sweaty, oily, nose and Jisung laughs but he wants to retreat into his own skin. He looks at the light. It’s still red. Fuck. 

When it comes to the pre-chorus, Changbin changes the lyrics. Instead of the original lyrics describing a beautiful woman he sings instead, “Skinny black jeans!, Soft brown hair!, He’s so sweet! With his bug eyed stare!” Jisung laughs, only a little nervously. Changbin calling him bug eyes feels familiar at least, in the midst of all this weirdness.

The light is green, Changbin won’t stop singing, “I know we ain't got much to say” Jisung hits him, but Changbin just grabs his other hand too, his eyes are smiling. “Before I let you get away, yeah” Changbin needs to stop looking at him, Jisung is starting to blush and he hates himself, he needs Changbin to stop looking at him. The lights green and Jisung stares at it instead of at Changbin, Changbin yanks his hands hard so he’s forced to look at him as he says, “I said, are you gonna be my boy.”

“The lights green” Changbin doesn't go, there are lights behind them, a car is coming, “Changbin go!” Finally Changbin lets go and turns back to the road driving, he is still singing along and going too fast and Jisung, in order to prevent a car accident and heart failure presses skip on Changbin’s Iphone. Jet finally shuts up and instead Beck comes through the speaker, it’s “loser”. Changbin groans. 

“No fair! I was really in to that” Changbin whines

“This song suits you more” Jisung says back, cheekily. Changbin sings along anyway to but Jisung does too, so it doesn’t feel so much like an attack on his senses. 

They get through six more songs on Changbin’s playlist, hopping around the 60’s to the 80’s and take a detour to 90’s hip hop, before Changbin is rolling down his window and punching his six digit code to get through the gate into Tree Circle. Changbin slows down and avoids the pot holes, Jisung thought that a place so exclusive and nice wouldn’t have pot holes but the roads are small and hilly and have potholes that haven’t been fixed in the four years Jisung has been visiting Changbin’s home. 

Changbin’s house is in a different part of Tree Circle than Hyunjin’s. Hyunjin’s is on the top of the cliff, which isn't a real cliff, but its close enough. Maybe it’s technically a cliff, but calling it a cliff sounds o dramatic, especially when its only about thirty feet tall, still enough to be a danger, but they have nice wooden log fences around the top that look natural but Jisung knows where shipped in. No, instead of being on the cliff, Changbin’s house was on the inner bay. A coastal inlet that turned the bay into almost a lake, from the outside, Changbin’s house almost looked like a normal sized home but as soon as on enters, you can see just how far it extends and descends. The entrance is the highest level, and as you go back into the house more levels appear, descending down with the land scape of the hill giving way to the shore. To the point that the back door opens right up onto a dock with Changbin’s family’s Bow Rider bobbing in the water and their kayaks resting on the dock. 

Jisung doesn’t like the boat. He gets seasick, and he hates feeling like he might fall in, but sometimes, Jisung would kayak with Changbin, he liked the slower pace. They hadn’t done that in years. 

Changbin pulls into the circle drive and Jisung follows him into the house, they don’t lock their doors, no one in Tree Circle does. Changbin calls out, as soon as his inside, “IM HOME”, this at least is universal. There’s a vaguely masculine-sounding call from the kitchen and so after putting their shoes on the shoe rack they head there. 

It’s Changbin’s dad, he smiles at Jisung and Jisung smile and waves back. Apparently Changbin’s mom and older sister are at a movie. Changbin’s older sister is intimidating but painfully funny and quick witted, he sees less of her now that she's in college but Jisung remembers her quick wit tearing into Changbin ruthlessly at the dinner table. Changbin’s dad talks for a bit, asking Jisung’s college plans and Jisung doesn’t grimace once as he explains that he’s going to the state school. Changbin’s dad waves and goes to his room and Jisung and Changbin are left in the kitchen.

“Did you eat?” Changbin asks. Jisung didn’t, so Changbin heats up left over take-out pad thai and they eat it out of the containers while sitting cross legged on top of Changbin’s oversized kitchen island. Jisung isn’t su[er hungry so he only eats about half of his, but he does dramatically pull two more peaches from his bag for them to eat, which makes Changbin laugh. 

“Bro if you got hansel and gretal’ed right now, your trail would be made of peaches.” 

Jisung snorts, “follow the peaches and there you will find me, buried in fruit flies.” Changbin has a ps4 and Jisung assumes they’ll be playing starwhale or maybe splatoon on his switch. He’s excited he hasn’t had the chance to just dick around in forever. Jisung washes the peach juice off his hands afterward but he still feels gross, he begs Changbin to let him take a shower before they start and Changbin groans and complains and whines, ina very Changbin way, but of course lets him. 

Changbin’s room is on the bottom most floor, it’s technically a basement because its below ground level, but it has big huge windows and the sliding doors open out to dock and grass. Theres a big sectional couch with a pretty sizable TV and a bar that Jisung has never seen anyone actually sit at. Changbin’s room is off to the side, not connected to the wall facing the bay, instead light drifts in lazily through wide but not very tall windows high on the wall that look out on the bleached beach grass of the sloping hill just outside. His queen size bed is pushed into the corner to give more room for his desk, a real actual desk with one of those fancy leather desk chairs and a big happy lamp his mom makes him use in winter, and any time he’s inside for too long.

On the back wall theres a bathroom attached(his own bathroom!), Jisung heads there, Changbin shouts behind him,“I'll grab you a clean towel don’t lock the door!” 

“Sure” Jisung closes the door and pushes back Changbin’s curtain to turn on the shower. Jisung has used another shower at Changbin’s house before, one on the upper floor near the other bedrooms that has a steam shower and duel heads and glass door that fogs up prettily. Changbin’s is just a pretty regular bath shower combo with two curtains, a plastic one on the inside and a grey cloth one on the outside. Jisung turns on the water and gives it time to heat up, he takes off his work shirt and shorts. He looks ridiculous in just his boxer briefs and black socks, farmers tan on full display. He slips off his socks and boxers and turns away from the mirror. He digs through his shorts for his phone and puts on a playlist, he doesn’t like to shower without music. By the time he gets in, he can barely hear Baekhyuns voice over the spray of the shower, but its sounds good and he hums along. 

He washes his ass and slowly scrubs the rest of himself using Changbin’s nice body wash, eucalyptus and mint, it leaves his skin tingling, and washes away the gross feeling. Jisung washes his body, scrubbing his arms till there pink, and then he washes his hair with the shampoo on the shelf with the fancy blue bottle. After he rinses the shampoo out he washes his body again, letting his hands glide over his thighs and hips, between his cheeks, which maybe he shouldn’t with something that tingles, but it feels exciting, and up over his stomach and chest. He tilts his head back into the spray and rubs over his nipples, Bazzi’s voice is drifting out of his tinny phone speakers, and his nipples are excited under the attention, practically throbbing. He wonders distantly if this is bad for him, like if the body wash shouldn’t be applied to sex organs, ar nipples even consider secondary sex organs on men?

His dick is just getting involved, somewhere near a half chub, when the door opens. 

“I stole a nice one from upstairs, no shitty beach towel for you” Changbin says, Jisung immediately takes his fingers off his nipples. Out of politeness. 

“Thanks” Jisung says, and he expects to hear the door open and close again, he expects Changbin to leave, that doesn't happen. Instead he hears his music pause and then come on much louder, he’s about to ask, but before he can Changbin peeks his head, just his head, around the curtain, Jisung shouts and covers his dick. 

“Chill i’ve literally sucked that” Changbin says, raising his eyebrows like he has any right to be cocky. 

“What the fuck, Changbin! You creep!” Jisung says back, but he can already feel his traitorous lip corners starting to curve. 

“Can I help?” Changbin asks

“Can you sound less like a creep?” Jisung shoots back, he takes one of his hands off his dick to push his bangs out of his face again. He can feel Changbin’s eyes watching him. 

“C’mon I’m letting you use my speaker!” Changbin says, pouting, it's funny to see him pout when Jisung can only see about half his face. Jisung can see the way Changbin’s looking at him, he ignores every part of his body screaming at him to not, and takes his other hand off his cock, and raises his eyebrow. Jisung takes great pleasure in the way Changbins eyes widen, in the way his pupils dilate like a hungry animal. 

“Do you wanna ask again, Changbin?”

Changbin takes a shuttery breath that goes straight to Jisungs half hard cock, and asks, “Jisung can I please join you?”. Jisung takes a deep breath of humid shower air and nods. Changbin’s head disappears and Jisung can hear the sound of clothes rustling over the noise of the shower. Not a minute later Changbin is barreling in the shower and pushing Jisung against to shockingly cold tile behind him. 

He gasps, and Changbin is kissing him before he can even process whats happening. Jisung wraps his arms around Changbins sturdy shoulders, Jisung’s out of the spray now, and the tiles are so cold, like unimaginably cold, but they are warming up under his skin, where Changbin is pressing him insentently against the wall. Jisung finally catches on and kisses him back, slides into his pad thai and peach mouth, sweet and savory. Changbin’s hands are pushing hard on his hips, Jisung hopes they leave bruises, that when he gets dressed tommorow he’ll see Changbin’s fingerprint bruises, like a crime scene, evidence that he was there. That he was here. 

That he was here, making Jisung cold and hot all over, that he was here accidentally bumping Jisungs head on the tile, tha the was here, biting at Jisung’s jaw, licking long hot stripes all over his neck. Biting at the skin under his ear and then smelling there. 

“Mmn you smell like me” Changbin rumbles into the skin there, Jisung shivers bodily, something about the way he says that. Jisung knows what he means, the body wash, but something about the idea of smelling like him, of something signifying Jisung as His makes him weak. 

“Do you like that?” Jisung asks, and Changbin hums into Jisungs warm damp skin, one of his legs, still mostly dry, slipping in between Jisung’s, and then there’s finally some pressure on his dick. Changbin’s mouth finds his again just as he starts moving his thigh. Jisung shivers again, a little from arousal but mostly from being out of the spray for so long, Changbin gets the hint and pulls back, just enough so that when Jisung chases his mouth they both end up in the stream. 

Hot water hits and rolls down the side of his face, plastering his hair to it, his eyes are closed and the water makes them feel painted shut, but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter that he’s not breathing, it doesn't matter that the water is preventing him from getting a good grip on Changbins shoulders, that he’s unsteady on his feet, unsure of his footing, no, all the matters is Changbin’s warm hot mouth and his probing tongue. The way Changbin’s hand’s snake around his hips to pull at his ass, the way Changbin’s lips glide against his own, and the way his thigh slides easily. 

Eventually, they have to breathe, but they push their foreheads together and pant into eachothers mouth when they do. Jisung runs his hands down Changbin’s chest and circles and strokes over his pointed nipple, as he shudders into his mouth. Jisung opens his eyes, he has to squint to see through the splatter, but Changbin is already looking at him. Jisung opens his mouth but Changbin beat him to it. 

“Yes.” Jisung’s confused, and he must look it because Changbin continues, “I like it when you smell like me,” the dangerous thing in Jisung’s stomach starts to unfurl a little bit from curled up fetal position it has been living in. Jisung leans back in to kiss him more, to tell him with his tongue and teeth just how much he agrees, just how much he likes to smell Changbin on every inch of him, when he opens his mouth again, “I like it when everyone can tell who my toys belong to”. The thing in Jisung’s stomach crumbles like a dehydrated leaf. 

Changbin kisses him where his mouth hangs open dumbly. Jisung feels like that all over. Dumb. and so, so, so desperate. He pulls Changbin tighters against him and moans into his mouth, he ruts against him, again and again. He brings his hand down and reaches blindly until he’s cupping Changbin’s cock, pumping it slowly. The water doesn’t help as much as he would hope so he focuses on the head, squeezing and sliding and thumbing the slit until Changbin is trembling. 

Changbin reaches down and turns of the water suddenly, and they are no longer being pelted with water, both just hot and wet and leaning against each other as Rex Orange County croons much louder than he seemed before. Jisung twists his hand on the head of Changbin’s dick and Changbin moans. 

“Bed?” Changbin asks and Jisung nods, they scrub at their bodies briefly with towels, Jisung ducks down to rub at his hair with both hands on the towel and he emerges from the towel with frizzy fluffy hair, he turns to Changbin who looks much the same. 

Jisung takes a step forward and Changbin reaches out a hand, he slides it through Jisung’s damp hair smoothing it down. Jisung leans into it, suddenly Changbin tugs on it sharply, pulling Jisung forward, he gasps as Changbin yanks him down to kiss him. It’s shorter than the ones they shared in the shower, and then Changbin is stepping back, and pulling Jisung with him, out of the warm bathroom into his room and down onto his grey cotton sheets. 

Jisung reaches over Changbin and half leans of the bed to get the lube hidden under Changbins mattress, the second his hand closes around the bottle Changbins, warm hands are tugging at Jisungs hips bringing him back until hes sitting in Changbins lap, facing away from him. 

“Wrong way idiot” Jisung says when Changbin won’t let go, Changbin bites at Jisung shoulder blade and licks it humming. 

“Right way,” he steals the lube from Jisung’s loose grip, and squeezes some right on to Jisung’s belly.

“I _just_ showered” Jisung says, and bite his lip when Changbin swirls his finger in it. 

“Shame, you’ll have to do it again.” Changbins says easily before encircling Jisungs erection with his slick fist. Jisung can’t help but fuck into it, shuddering at the tight grip, of the sounds of the lube squelching, Changbin swipes his other hand through the sticky mess on Jisung’s stomache. 

“You,” Jisung pants, “are such a fucking,” he moans when Changbin slides his lube covered fingers between them, along the curve of his ass, “asshole!” Every time Jisung fucks up into Changbin’s fingers, he grinds back down onto Changbin’s own slicked up cock, its so messy, and hot, he squeezes his eyes shut trying not to do something embarrassing like squeal. Or ask for more. 

Quickly Jisung’s legs are cramping and tired from thrusting in such a tight position, Jisung grinds down, circling on Changbin’s cock, letting it slip between his cheeks as he grunts below him. Jisung wants to hear more of him, wants to hear just how good he can make Changbin feel. 

He slicks up his left hand with all the lube left on his own stomach and grinds down one last time before he’s slipping out and turning around to take Changbin’s dick in his mouth. He’s not trying to deep throat him, or suck him down to the base or any of that. Instead he sucks on the head, running his tongue over the spot under the head, and listens to the deep moan that Changbin let’s out. 

Jisung looks up at Changbin, the way he’s biting his lip and staring at Jisung. Jisung is thankful for the dick in his mouth preventing him from saying something dumb. Jisung bobs down, about halfway, as much as he wants to go right now. 

“Fuck” Changbin breaths out, “fuck, Ji.” Not enough, Jisung wants more from Changbin. He pushes Changbin’s leg on his shoulder with his right hand and Changbin gets the hint slinging his other leg over too, so Jisung can trail his slick hand over Changbin’s balls and down further over the pucker of his hole. 

Changbin _whines_ , and Jisung feels it in his core. 

The first finger goes in without much resistance, Jisung thrusts it a few times mindlessly, not searching for anything. He doesn’t wait long before circling his entrance and pushing in slowly with two, sucking hard on the head of Changbin’s dick to try and distract him from the discomfort. Finally, with two, Jisung can go places. He pushes them in and out a few times, thrusting slowly before feeling up along the front until he finds his prostate.

Changbin gasps and Jisung circles it with his fingers. It feels different than the rest of him, not softer but not exactly rougher, just different. Changbin’s legs keep twitching over his shoulders, Jisung can tell he’s losing composure, and then he starts talking. 

“Right there, right there” Jisung applies a little more pressure avoiding the center where he knows it hurts. Jisung looks up at Changbin, “Fuck” he keeps mumbling, one of his hands makes it’s way to Jisung’s hair, he brushes his bangs from his eyes and Jisung can see Changbin more clearly. He looks incredible. Flush high on his cheeks, his mouth glistening with spit, his teeth biting down on his plush bottom lip, looking at Jisung with half lidded brown eyes. 

“Look at you” Jisung can’t look away from Changbin’s eyes, “I wish you could see yourself right now.” Jisung hums happily around his dick, but Changbin doesn’t stop there, “could see how dirty you look,” Jisung’s fingers stutter within Changbin but he keeps going, “sucking my cock like that.” Changbin tightens his hand in his hair and it doesn’t feel sweet anymore. Jisung exhales through his nose and dutifully keeps sucking Changbin’s cock, even when Changbin doesn't stop. 

“On your knees so easily, so ready to suck cock, would you just bend over for anyone?” Jisung wonders if Changbin thinks of him like that. Before this used to be fun, feel exciting, degrading and humiliating in the way that made his pulse race and his body feel like a live wire. And now. And now, well, some of that’s still there, he can feel his heart beat faster, he feels hotter all over, but also there is something new, there are things Jisung knows now about himself that he didn’t before. There’s the thing in his stomach not a week old (and yet four years old at the same time), but already so damaged, crumpled and breathing shallowly, flaring alive every time Changbin smiles at him with that goofy smile. There's that thing, limping within him, wanting to burrow into Changbin and never let go, desperate for him to feel the same way, and then there's this. 

“So desperate, so fucking needy,” he yanks on his hair and Jisung squeezes his eyes shut because it hurts and feels so fucking good but also it _hurts_. 

“Do you want me to tell you how good you look? How good you are? No, I know what you want.” 

Jisung sucks harder, he wants to make Changbin happy, distantly Jisung knows Changbin is happy, that he thinks this is what Jisung wants but it doesn't feel like that. It feels like Jisung is dirty and disgusting and that Changbin see’s him as such. That he looks at Jisung and he sees, “Happy little slut.” 

Jisung can’t help the moan that resonates from within, that vibrates around Changbin’s cock, he feels like something powerful, something sexy but also something horrible. Something unloveable. And then Changbin comes in his mouth, and Jisung doesn’t pull off. Or out. He keeps his fingers massaging his prostate as he swallows around him. 

Eventually Changbin squirms and pushes lightly at Jisung’s forehead, he pulls off. Watches the way Changbin winces when he removes his fingers. Changbin tugs him forward so they can kiss, Changbin’s sated and the kiss reflects that, slower, more tongue and less teeth. Changbin starts to jerk Jisung off and it feels so nice, so nice to just lay half on top of Changbin and feel him take care of him, leech the heat from his skin.

Jisung pulls back, and Changbin opens his mouth to say something and Jisung just can’t, he doesn’t want to hear anymore of his words that make him feel like a match and one that's all burnt out. So Changbin opens his mouth and Jisung instantly shoves his fingers inside. Changbins widens his eyes but sucks dutifully and Jisung realizes, too late, that those were the fingers what were inside of Changbin a moment ago. 

Jisung comes with Changbin sucking on his dirty fingers and pulling him over the edge and it leaves Jisung shivering afterward. Jisung takes his fingers out of Changbin’s mouth and watches the way he licks his lips. Jisung pushes himself off Changbin and goes to the bathroom. He feels gross, he wets some toilet paper and cleans off his stomach, quickly before the toilet paper can fall apart. He wipes off between his legs too, and then washes his hands. He finds his clothes from before on the floor from before he took a shower and pulls them back on. His hair is barely damp anymore. 

He doesn’t want to be here anymore. He puts on his dirty socks. He doesn’t want to do this anymore. 

Changbin has put on underwear and basketball shorts, only the essentials, when Jisung gets back. 

“Do you wanna smoke and play some splatoon?” Changbin asks from his bed, hes already taken off the top sheet and thrown it in the laundry bin. 

“Actually can you take me home?” Jisung asks, trying to find where he put his bag. Changbin sits up, no longer slouching. 

“Did something happen?” Changbin’s eyes look worried. 

Jisung shakes his head, “I worked a lot today, i'm just tired.” 

“Oh, you can stay the night, we can crash early if you want.” Changbin says, Jisung finds his bag and pulls his hoodie out that still smells like Jungwoo’s house and febreeze, and pulls it over his head. He tugs the sleeves over his hands. 

“Changbin I just. Thanks but I want to go home, do you mind taking me?” 

“No, not at all I can take you home.” Jisung nods and leaves to find his shoes. He’s tying his laces when Changbin makes it to the foyer, wearing a shirt, his keys and wallet in hand. Changbin puts on slides and they make their way to the car. 

The ride from Changbin’s to Jisung’s house was a little over twenty minutes. It feels so much longer. Jisung stares out the window, Changbin is playing gambino, Jisung didn’t feel very hype about it. Jisung goes on his phone, he checks instagram, likes a couple posts from meme pages, and a picture of Jeno’s cats. He goes on twitter, Taeyong tweeted about being excited for something, Jisung wonders if that is the party, or something to do with animal crossing, it really could be either. 

Changbin changes the playlist at a stop sign, and now Frank Ocean is in the car with them. Jisung wonders if Changbin listening to “Super Rich Kids” is irony. Jisung wonders if Changbin would even realize that. Changbin doesn’t act like the kids in the song, Changbin is scared of drugs, and knows the names of every single one of his maid’s nieces, and is too scared of crashing to drive his mom’s corvette.

Jisung is incredibly fond of him, not because he’s a decent person, his bar isn’t that low, but because he’s Changbin. Because he’s a coward and incredibly brave. Because he’s whiney and kind, because he likes to spend time with his sister, and lets her tweeze his eyebrows even though it hurts and he doesn’t see the difference. Because he’s awkward around kids but good with old people, because he’s not a sore sport when he loses in games, but is a sore winner. Because he makes Jisung laugh so hard he snorts and he can make big scary world ending things feel temporary. 

Except this. 

Changbin speaks up when they are about three minutes away, “What’s up with you dude?”

Jisung bristles, “What do you mean?” Jisung knows exactly what he means. 

Changbin pauses, he could let this go right now, “You’ve been weird.” 

“I’ve been weird?” Jisung asks back, incredulously. 

“Yeah Jisung,” he takes a breath, cools down, Jisung apreaciates it, “you’ve been really fucking weird.” 

Jisung takes a pause. Felix loved him for years, for years, and he never made it Jisung’s problem, Jisung has known for two days and he’s already ruining everything. Jisung waits until they are on his block before he says, “When did we stop being able to hang out without fucking?” Changbin stops the car outside Jisungs house, Jisung continues “was being best friends not enough?” 

Jisung doesn’t slam the car door behind him, but he does think about it.

Jisung stands over his sink and eats a peach, angrily, which is hard because peaches are generally a pretty soft fruit, you can only bite it hard so many times. Afterwards he washes his hands with dish soap scrubbing until his skin feels dry and tight. He feels drawn and tight all over. 

After Jungwoo, after Yuta he had felt okay, and Changbin was so good, that's the problem, Chnagbin is always so good, even when he’s hurting him. Even when Jisung is sure that he means nothing to him, he’s still so good. 

The oven clock blinks as Jisung, 10:52. Jisung blinks back at it, like one might blink at a cat, slow to show submission. When did the night get away from him, it’s not that its too late, Jisung regularly stays up far far later than this, it’s just, that it feels like so much less and so much more has happened since he got off work. His mom should be asleep now, he grabs a peach (one to eat with less anger) and heads to his room, but when he passes his mom’s door the light is still on. He leans close, he can hear, groaning? 

Jisung flinches back from the door on impulse, self protection from the idea of his mom doing sex things. He’s heard more than he wants of his mom and Carlo’s sex life, any noises means it’s time to go out to his room and play overwatch with his soundproof headphones turned all the way up. But Carlos isn’t here. And also his mom is incredibly pregnant. 

Jisung knocks, another groan comes from inside, it sounds more in pain than anything else. Jisung braces himself and pushes open the door. 

Thank the lord in heaven, Jisung’s mom is not masturbating, luckily shes just panting and crying and grabbing her stomach on her bed. Oh wait fuck. 

“Holy shit mom are you okay?” Jisung asks running around the bed to the side closest to her, he grabs one of her hands. She nods, even though she is still groaning and clearly in pain. Jisung’s mom isn't the picture of elegance, she hates cleaning, eats with her hands whenever she can get away with it, and tends to spill drinks down her front at the dinner table, she isn’t elegant, but there had been only one time in his life that Jisung has seen him mom this disheveled, and he doesn’t like to think about that.

Her hair is a mess, in a pile on her head with strands escaping and sticking to her face with sweat. Jisung reaches out with his free hand, brushing the hairs off her face, feeling her forehead, it’s warm but not feverish. 

“Should I call 911?” Jisung asks, but she just shakes her head and squeezes his hand tightly. 

“Just give me a second,” She gasps through clenched teeth. Less than a minute later, she completely relaxes, sagging into the bed she opens her eyes and smiles weakly at Jisung. 

“I didn’t realize you were home,” she says finally, Jisung wants to hit her, but he’s not an idiot.

“What the fuck, mom, are you okay?” Jisung asks, and his mom chuckles, still a little breathless. 

“I’m okay. I’m pretty sure I’m okay at least. I’m having contractions, and I shouldn’t be,” Jisung feels his heart stutter in fear, but she continues, “they aren’t super long yet, and far apart. And really they aren’t that painful, I just already have a headache and it's a bit much to contend with at once. I had braxton hicks with you. I'm pretty sure it's the same.” She sounds a little winded but she has the same color in her voice that Jisung is used to.

“What if it’s not that?” Jisung asks, he thinks of Carlos, “Should I call Carlos?”

She shakes her head in a firm no, “He’s working, and it’s pretty much nothing. My midwife will come in the morning, we have an appointment for her to come at 8:30 tomorrow. I texted her but I think she’s asleep. If they start getting more painful, or more frequent about five minutes apart then we can do something.” She sounds confident, and who is Jisung to pretend to know more about pregnancy than her. 

“What do we do in the meantime?” Jisung’s mom smiles with half her mouth. 

“For now, we deal with it, until Cheryl can get here tomorrow and say its nothing.” 

So they deal with it. Jisung gets a washcloth from the linen closet and runs it under some cool water before wringing it out and laying it on her head like she used to do for him when he had a cold. He fills up a water bottle for her, so she can drink it lying down in bed and stay hydrated like webmd said to do. But mostly, Jisung just lays down next to her. He holds her hand and talks to her, and about once every thirty minutes when the contractions do come she squeezes his hand tights all the way through them. 

They talk softly, even though no one else is home, and they talk for longer than they have in months. It’s funny he sees her everyday, but they haven’t talked for more than an hour straight in months, not since they last drove somewhere more than an hour away together. Jisung goes to the kitchen to fill up the water bottle and grabs them each a peach. Theres still almost twenty left, they won’t be good for much longer, maybe a week. Jisung hands his mom a peach, she scooches up until she’s sitting up against the headboard before accepting it. 

The secret to being able to talk to his mom for this long, is not looking at her. He sits down next to her until they are both facing the window, they can see a street light on the next corner. 

“I have never eaten so many peaches as I have in the last four months,” she says around a mouth full of peach. Jisung swallows his before speaking, because out of the two of them he’s apparently the one with manners.

“I have never eaten so many peaches as I have in the last three days,” Jisung says and she laughs. 

“Im a peach fiend” she says, then she points at her stomach, “It’s their fault!” Jisung laughs at that. As far as peaches go, there could be worse pregnancy cravings. 

“They can’t help it!” Jisung says, ardently defending his un-named, un-born, un-gendered little sibling. 

“I can’t believe you might not be here when they are born” She says and Jisung can tell how tired she is, she usually isn’t negative when he’s around. Usually she's the one cheering him up. 

“Maybe i’ll already be home for fall break, and if not, I’ll take a train”. He would squeeze her hand but they are both still sticky with peach juice. 

“You’ll come meet the peach fiend.” It’s not a question. 

“I’ll come and meet Peaches,” Jisung confirms, his mom nudges him with her sticky hand. 

“I love that!” She still looks tired, but happy. Her face cracks open in a full smile. 

“What?”

“Peaches, that should be their bump name.” Jisung hadn’t really been thinking about it but now that he did, it made sense. 

“If Carlos is on board then I am too.” He hovered a sticky hand over her belly, he didn’t actually like touching it normally but he had just spent four hour helping his mom deal with it, he felt like he had earned it, “are you chill now Peaches?” It makes her laugh, so it’s worth it. 

The talk for a bit more, and use the damp washcloth to get rid of the residue on their fingers, she’s too tired to walk all the way to the kitchen and wash her hands, he’s just lazy. They talk a little but more, but she’s clearly dropping off, she grabs his hand again, and Jisung thinks it’s because the contractions have come back but she just squeezes it and says:

“Will you sing to me? Any song that you know?” She says it in a quiet sleepy voice, and her hand feels small in his. Jisung thinks about when he came back from his dad’s house at the end of the middle school, and suddenly he was taller than his mom. He squeezes her hand tighter in his. The only song that he can remember all the lyrics of off hand is “Rivers and Roads”. So for the second time in the last two days, he sings “Rivers and Roads”. 

“A year from now we’ll all be gone” There's no strumming of Chan’s guitar this time to back him up, he sings from memory, and he doesn't sing it perfectly, but he doesn’t have to. His mom isn’t musical but she always asks him to sing. 

“I miss your face like hell” Jisung tries resolutely _not_ to think about Changbin. He tries to thing about his mom, and the baby, and Carlo’s, but his mom’s grip is loosening in his hand as she falls asleep, and he can’t help but let his mind to Changbin. 

“Been talking about the way things change” He can’t believe he said that to Changbin tonight. It’s not Changbin’s fault Jisung went and fucked everything up. If Changbin had said all those things to him, treated him that way a week ago, he would have been so into it. And he still _was_ into it, but hearing Changbin say that to him now grated against a raw nerve. Something that was still new and fragile to survive with the rough handling they were used to. 

“Rivers till I reach you” his mom’s grip has completely fallen out of his hand now. He can hear her soft breathing next to him, still he continues singing, finishing out the song. 

“Rivers and Roads” Changbin deserves something more than whatever this is. 

“Rivers and Roads” Changbin only ever slept with Jisung so he could eventually sleep with Chan. Jisung wishes he would stop being bashful. That he would admit that this, everything that they were doing, all of Changbin’s annoying blushing, was going to be for Chan in the end. 

“Rivers till I reach you” Jisung has no tears left, but still, his eyes feel a little misty. He sits up slowly after the song is over so as not to wake his mom, who is now fast asleep. His phone buzzes and he takes it out. He has a new group chat notification for people he plays Pubg with and a text from an unknown number. He swipes to look at the text first.

 **Unknown Number** (1:42)

Hey!! Its TY（っ＾▿＾） Yuta gave me ur number (✿◠‿◠) 

What the fuck. There was more. 

**Unknown Number** (1:42) 

Yuta showed me your Soundcloud!!! ᕙ(^▿^-ᕙ) I really liked it!!!!

Especially 19 ( ͡🔥 ● ͡🔥)!!!

…. Ok so TY double texted. 

**Unknown Number** ( 1:45) 

Could u do anything with a 5 minute slot Thursday night around 11:30 ⊂ ͡ᵔ ₒ ͡ᵔつ ??

Could Jisung do anything with a five minute slot on Thursday night? Could Jisung Do Anything With A Five Minute Slot On Thursday Night?!!?!!?!?!?

**Han Jisung** (1:56) 

Yes! I totally could! Thank you!

 **TY (????)** (1:58) 

Wooo!! (ɔ◔‿◔)ɔ Bring a couple friends! See you then!

Literally what the fuck. There is too much there to unpack, he’s going to perform! On thursday night! With TY! Well, not with TY, but before TY! In TY (and Yuta’s) house! TY texted like a gay weeb bottom twink! There is so much happening, so many new developments Jisung struggles to not make any noise, so as not to wake up his mom. 

He bites on his fist and tries to process one thing at a time. He already knew TY was gay from his songs so the texting shouldn’t be _that_ much of a shock, but its still jarring to see the man who once rapped “Fuck off or I’ll Fuck your dad” send the emojis of a fake UWU copy pasta. 

He walks to his room, still clutching his phone tightly in his hand. He can’t believe this is all real, this day has felt one million years long, he can hardly believe that he saw Jaehyun and Jungwoo today it feels so far away. 

In four days, three now technically, he was going to perform in front of people who didn’t already know him. All he wants to do, all he’s wanted to do since he saw the first text from TY (TY!) was, to text Changbin. To talk to him, get his opinion, what songs should he play? Does he have any advice? Will he come watch? Hype up the crowd? 

But he doesn’t text Changbin, because he remembers not slamming his car door, because he remembers the way his voice had sounded weak and tired, tired of him. Because he remembers tonight. 

So, instead Jisung goes to bed. 


	3. Chapter 3

Jisung wakes up to sunlight streaming through the gaps in his curtain and a note on his bedside table. He scrunches his nose and sneezes on the dustmotes swirling around. He whines, if Changbin was there, he would make fun of him for being a baby, but Changbin isn’t there, and he’s a bigger baby anyway. 

Jisung snatches up the note, its from his mom, in her messy slanted script. 

_Cheryl says I was right, just Braxton Hicks, everythings fine! I’m going to a doctors appointment and then work. I’ll be home late. I'm going to your aunt's house for dinner and to get hand-me-downs for Peaches! Thanks for last night._

Jisung breathes a sigh of relief he didn’t realize he was holding. Everythings okay with Peaches. Jisung frowns at the note, for the first time in a long time he doesn’t immediately feel elated at the idea of the house to himself. 

In the hours before work Jisung mopes about, and lets himself wallow in self pity for a bit. He eats three peaches, and considers if he should try doing something with them. He looks at a cobbler recipe but the crust intimidates him and so he gives up. He listens to his own Soundcloud, which feels kind of egotistical and self congratulatory, but he needs to pick 5 minutes worth of songs to play on Thursday. 

Five minutes isn’t quite enough time to play two songs all the way through, its close to it but none of his songs are quite the right length. He figures he can mix to songs together, have one blend into the other and hopefully keeping his best verses on both. 

By the time he rolls up to the lot and see’s Yuta emerging from his Minivan he’s properly amped. Throughout the whole four hour shift Jisung peppers him with questions about what to expect for the house show. 

Yuta explains to him, with his generally goofy attitude and jokes a (mostly at TY’s expense) that house shows are all different but theirs tend to go like this. Like the bands performing in the basement, which is one large dance floor, and people on the mainfloor just chilling, drinking, smoking outside if they want. He said the top floor was off limits for guests, but performers could go there. Jisung couldn’t believe he was a performer. Technically. 

Apparently, they expected about 300 people to turn up to their house. Three hundred, that number thrummed in Jisungs veins, three hundred people were going to hear Jisung’s voice, listen to his words, even if its while the smoke a floor above. Three hundred. 

Even as Jisung leaves work he can feel “three hundred” beat in his pulse, blink in his eyelids. Just as he turns the corner to start walking home, maybe to work more on his set (his set!) he gets a text. 

**Trash Bin** (7:02) 

I’m sorry for last night. And all the shit before that. I would much rather be friends with Han Jisung than fuck him, even if he gives great head. I’m sorry dude. 

Why did that hurt? Still it make something inside him warm, not the dangerous thing in his stomach, that thing stays as fragile and gross as ever. No, this is something else, between his shoulder blades, making him stand straighter, this was the thing that cared about Changbin beyond lust, beyond love, this was his best friend. His best friend who was still his best friend. 

**Han Jisung** (7:03) 

I’m sorry for being weird. I’m glad to be your best friend, dude. 

Jisung stares down at his phone and the little grey dots, it will be sad to not have sex with Changbin anymore, but it will hurt less. 

**Trash Bin** (7:04) 

You are forgiven only if u tell me what to do to make it up to u

Jisung is ready to reply “nothing i forgive you” but before he hits send he deletes the text. 

**Han Jisung** (7:04) 

You are forgiven if you come to the house show at TY’s this Thursday where i’m performing

Changbin sends a bunch of excited question marks in response and Jisung chuckles to himself as he explains to Changbin everything that has happened in the last twenty four hours. About Yuta and TY and his Soundcloud and the screenshots of TY’s texts. At some point, instead of walking towards his home, Jisung has started walking towards Kim’s diner, he keeps going when he realizes. He wants a grilled cheese and milk shake, even if it will hurt his stomach. 

When he rolls up (walks up?) to Kim’s he’s still in his work uniform, and sweaty from the walk in the heat, he doesn’t really care. Chaeryoung points for him to sit at the counter and Jisung happily slumps down there, and checks his tamagotchi app while he waits for service. He feeds his pet and plays some mini-games. 

He shocked out of his little world when a coffee pot is put, none too gently, on the counter next to his face. Jisung whines, but it’s just Seungmin. Seungmin looks about as dead on his feet as Jisung feels. 

“Woah, are you okay?” Jisung asks, not used to seeing Seungmin this worn down outside of finals week. Seungmin nods and gives Jisung a red acrylic coca cola glass already full of ice water. 

“Yeah, I had to cover for someone this morning so I didn’t sleep enough,” he shrugs, “But I don’t work again until Saturday after tomorrow so I just gotta push through.” Jisung can see Seungmin manually smooth out his features and put on his customer service face. It’s kind of freaky, even if Jisung knows he has his own version of that customer service face. He pats Seungmin’s arm consolingly, he gets what it feels like to be overworked, about to snap. 

Jisung orders his grilled cheese and milkshake, and Seungmin only jokes about his health for a couple minutes. Seungmin sticks to the counter more than he normally would, but Jisung doesn’t come here alone much. Seungmin doesn’t ask where Changbin is and Jisung is thankful, even if lying would be easy, it’s still good not to have to. Seungmin slumps down on the other side of the counter and Jisung pats his arm, his floppy brown hair, dusts imaginary dirt from his shoulder and gossips with Seungmin in Korean about the jocks in the corner. Apparently Seungmin has seen one of their nudes by accident once during a class (Jisung was dying to know why but Seungmin wouldn’t budge), and he wasn’t impressed. 

Jisung eats his grilled cheese slowly, and sips his milk shake slower so as not to get a brain freeze. Jisung sticks around and keeps talking to Seungmin in between him waiting on the few customers in Kim’s diner on a Tuesday night, and scrolling through his twitter. TY had posted what could have been a thirst trap or just him getting really excited about a plushie depending on how one was feeling. Jisung decides he just looks really excited about his dumbo plushie. 

Seungmin stops by after Jisung finally finishes his sandwich, which had gotten cold, and drops off a free basket of fries. Jisung could kiss him. The fries are heavenly, even if they are payment for keeping Seungmin amused during his shift. 

By 9:15 the place is really clearing out, which is good because they close at 9:30. Chaeryoung waves goodbye at 9:25, The chefs left at 9:00, and it looks like Seungmin is closing up alone. After the last guest leaves at 9:28 Jisung starts to gather his stuff to let Seungmin close up alone, but Seungmin stops him. 

“You want to stick around?” And doesn’t that sound like an invitation. 

“Sure” Jisung doesn’t have anywhere to be, even if it’s nothing, hanging out with Seungmin isn’t time wasted, if anything he can give him a ride home in his CRV so he doesn’t have to walk. 

Jisung sits on top of the counter, because Seungmin let’s him, and swings his legs back and forth as he watches Seungmin spray and wipe down the tables and disinfect behind the counter and shut all the blinds. He won’t let Jisung help, but he does let Jisung hold the dustpan after he sweeps up behind the counter and the dining room. It’s a small victory. 

Finally, just after ten, Seungmin disappears in the backroom to finish up, Jisung sits back on top of the counter, he likes it, it makes him feel tall for once, and swings his legs as he looks at his phone. 

Suddenly Seungmin is bursting through the swinging door of the counter, up onto the raised part behind the counter and into Jisung’s space. Jisung’s phone clatters onto the counter, his hands hover uselessly next to Seungmin’s head, inches away from his own. Seungmin whispers into the centimeters between them.

“Is this okay” he’s looking at his lips, his voice is pitched lower, oh fuck, oh fuck this is happening. Like this is _happening_. He didn’t even try and flirt with Seungmin today, he hadn’t even said one pick up line. Jisung takes stock, Jisung just ate buckets of greasy heavy food and has never felt so oily in his life, he feels like a slip and slide of teenage angst and horniness, all coming out in the oil on his forehead. But he’s wanted this right? For so long. Hasn’t this been what he wanted?

He nods, and suddenly Seungmin’s lips are crashing into his. Seungmin is a nice kisser, gentle and soft but insistent, taking all that he deserves, coaxing Jisung’s tongue into his mouth, instead of just pressing in with his own tongue. Seungmin has to crane his head up, and Jisung has to lean down because of the height difference thanks to the counter, Seungmin slides his hands on Jisung thighs, on Jisung’s ugly khaki shorts. He kind of wants to laugh but thats bad form for kissing. 

Instead Jisung puts his hands on Seungmin’s shoulders, his thumbs rubbing at the side of his neck. Seungmin’s shoulders are thin and kind of bony, so different from Changbin’s. He should not be thinking about Changbin right now, especially not after they might have decided to to stop hooking up today. Did they decide that? Or are they just going to be friends first, hooking up less at the very least that's for sure. He didn’t want to give up kissing Changbin, he kissed so nicely, with his little bites and the way he sucked on Jisung’s thin lips like he could puff them up and make them stay that way. 

Seungmin wasn’t doing that, he was sucking on Jisung’s tongue and making these nice little hums, little moans that assures him that he’s doing okay. Seungmin’s hands on his thighs spread, his hands are big, long elegant fingers but not as strong as Changbin’s. He kneads Jisung’s skinny thighs and it makes him shiver, Seungmin rubs his hands up and down skirting along Jisung’s inner thighs and it makes his stiffen. Jisung tries to bite down on Seungmin’s lips, make it more of the fight, the back and forth, he’s used to, but Seungmin isn’t playing along. Seungmin smoothes over his lips with his warm soft lips and gentle tongue, when he sucks on Jisungs’s lips it isn’t to bruise, his hands on his thighs are teasing and light. 

It’s so nice, and it’s all wrong. Jisung pulls back, Seungmin doesn’t chase, doesn’t hold him down and fight for it, instead he looks at him, with wide brown eyes behind his glasses. 

“I'm really sorry but I,” he takes a breath, “I can’t. This is so fucked I know I’m the one who hits on you but-” Seungmin leans out of his space, moves his hands from Jisung’s legs to the counter next to them. 

“It’s fine” Seungmin sounds a little stilted, a little confused, he doesn’t deserve this. He deserves honesty.

“I realized that i'm an idiot.” 

“Just now?” Seungmin asks, even if he’s confused he’s still able to tease Jisung.

“Shut up, I just, I’m an idiot. For so many reasons.” Seungmin steps back and hops up on the counter next to Jisung, so they don’t have to look at each other. 

“So tell me why.” And Jisung owes Seungmin that much. So he speaks. 

“At the bonfire, when Felix asked me if I had ever been in love, I said no. And then that was the truth. But I, I’m not sure that’s the case anymore. And it’s really fucking me up. Because it’s me, and I know im going to fuck everything up with this.” Seungmin squints at him. 

“And it’s not me.” Jisung shakes his head and Seungmin continues, “Thank god,” Jisung laughs. “Is it Felix?” 

Jisung shakes his head and smiles a little sadly, “Did he tell you?” 

“He didn’t have to,” Seungmin smiled a little sadly too, “He’s my best friend.” Seungmin opens his mouth and then closes it, silence stretches out before Seungmin tries again, his voice softer than before, “It’s Changbin isn’t it?” 

Isn’t it?

Isn’t it? 

Isn’t it? 

Of course. 

Jisung squeezes his eyes shut, and slumps but he says in a quiet, half defeated voice, “Yeah” Seungmin breathes out a sigh, and Jisung sort of wants to laugh. 

“Oof’ Seungmin says, sagely, and Jisung does laugh then. Its a wet hopeless laugh, one that at him, at this stupid situation. “That’s so rough.” 

“Oh you don’t even know the half of it.” Seungmin quirks an eyebrow at him, Jisung continues, what does he have to lose? “We’ve been fucking for months.” Seungmin sucks in a sharp breath. Jisung continues, because he loves hurting himself, “So he can fuck Chan. We’ve been hooking up for months all so one day he can fuck Chan.” 

Seungmin breathes out, “And you just now realized that you, that you want him like that?” 

“I think I’ve known for a long time. That I’m better, happier, feel more alive when i’m around him. I think what I realized is I want him to see me, and for him to not want to look away. I want to be his favorite boy, and what I realized wasn’t that he was mine, because, because he’s always been mine.” Jisung takes a breath, he’s sweating more now, saying this aloud, than when they were making out, “What I realized now is what that meant. And that I’m probably never going to be his.” The silence stretches out finally Seungmin speaks. 

“I’m in love with Felix.” Jisung laughs, Seungmin kissing him makes sense now. It’s not that he suddenly wanted Jisung, it was that he wanted to want something else, something other than the one he truly wants.

“Aren’t we just a pair of idiots.” Seungmin laughs with him. The thing about being hopeless, is if there's another person right next to you, who feels just as hopeless as you, you don’t feel any less hopeless, but you do feel less alone. “What do you like about him?”

“How much time do you have?” Seungmin shoots back. 

“Dude, you’re my ride home, I have all the time you have” Seungmin laughs at that and it's a little less sad this time. They talk, and swing their legs back and forth and Seungmin tells Jisung what it’s like to be in love with Felix Lee. 

Apparently, Felix Lee is the embodiment of sunshine, he’s cuddly and it doesn’t mean anything to him. He laughs at dumb things only, and likes bad jokes with obvious punchlines, because he likes when everyone can say the punch line together. He likes the smell of chlorine and sharpies and bleach, because he has no sense of self preservation, and he can drive but he really shouldn’t because he’s a danger to society. He likes cats and dogs, and when he sleeps over he likes to sleep in the basement on the couch because Seungmin’s dogs aren’t allowed on the beds. He sucks at saying he’s sad, but he’s a good listener, and after years of being Seungmin’s friend, he let his walls down. Seungmin is honored to know his fears. 

Jisung talks about Changbin, and every word hurts, but is freeing. He tells him about Jungwoo too, and Seungmin laughs with him as he tries to recount the bizarre experience in a way that doesn’t make it sound weird but fails. 

“What did he call you?”

“Crystal Child?” Jisung answers, thinking he remembered it right. 

“Dude thats some new age shit.” Seungmin wanders into the back room and comes out in normal clothes, and they keep talking in Seungmin’s CRV. 

“Do you know TY?” Seungmin doesn’t. Jisung adds a few of his songs to the queue as they drive around, not quite heading towards Jisung’s house, but not really heading away from it. Seungmin likes TY, and Jisung tells him about the show. He’s a lot more excited about Jisung performing, which feels nice. Seungmin promises to come, when Jisung asks, and already starts freaking about what he’s going to wear which makes Jisung laugh. 

“I get the feeling my ‘hipster nerd’ aesthetic isn’t really the vibe.” 

“You could ask Heejin to borrow her skirt again?” Seungmin hits him without taking his eyes off the road. “Thanks” Jisung says, and he doesn’t say why. 

“Not a problem,” he laughs, “Thanks for keeping me company during my hell shift.” 

“When do you work tomorrow?” and so Jisung hops out of Seungmin’s CRV, with plans to visit during his shift tomorrow too, to talk strategy, about Thursday night and everything else. Jisung starts to walk up the driveway to his house, but Seungmin rolls down his passenger window before he’s even half way. 

“Jisung!” He calls out, not too loud, but loud enough in the still street. 

“What!” 

“Things might not be as hopeless as you think!” Jisung laughs again, but Seungmin doesn’t laugh with him. 

“I guess we’ll see” Jisung turns around and jogs up the stairs to the duplex. When he closes the door behind him, Seungmin is pulling away. 

Jisung spends the next day in a haze of preparation. He manages to narrow his set down to a decision between four songs. He feels like he should include 19 because TY said he liked it, and TY is the only reason he’s performing anyway, the only problem is the bpm of 19 is kind of slow. It’s not exactly house thumping music which might not even be a problem but what if it is? Jisung almost wishes he worked with Yuta today so he could ask, but he doesn’t, so it’s up to his best judgement. He listens to the song again, and again. Maybe if he adds more bass in the chorus? How does one make a song about what is essentially his own existential crisis danceable?

He ends up making a second version of the song, this one having a slightly higher bpm, and a more bass heavy chorus, theoretically people could jump during the “back back back” parts now. 

“I don’t know, I still think the original version is better.” Seungmin says, putting the headphones down after listening. He grabs a coffee pot in one hand and a water pitcher in the other making his rounds to the different booths. Jisung has a minute or two to think while he waits for Seungmin to make his way back, but he doesn’t change his mind. 

“Even if it _is_ better, you can’t like, _grind_ to it” Jisung says. Seungmin laughs and shrugs. 

“So what, it’s a house show, not a dance party, you're there to perform not to make idiots bounce.” 

“You are going to be one of those idiots, idiot” Jisung shoots back, and Seungmin flicks him. 

“The original is better. And TY said he liked it, do it for TY.” Jisung considers that, he’s almost convinced. Almost. 

“Okay 19 and what else? Sunshine and I See don’t really fit the vibe.” 

“I like the other one on your soundcloud. Runner’s High.” Jisung sighs and puts his head in his arms over his keyboard and groans.

“Iknowrunnershighisthebestoneihavebuticantdoitwithoutchangbin” Jisung mumbles into his arms. Seungmin doesn’t dignify him with a response, because he doesn’t like to play Jisung’s games, he flicks him again with his long fingers instead. Jisung groans and rolls his head to the side before repeating himself. “I _know_ Runner’s High would be good, it’s the best one I have, but I can’t perform it without Changbin.” 

“Huh,” Seungmin pauses where he’s wiping down the counter again, “well you only have five minutes-” 

“Ouch.” 

“Let me finish! You only have five minutes, why don’t you perform all of 19, the original, and then like a part of Runner’s High or I See, whichever is the most amped up or whatever.” 

“I hate when you’re right” Jisung groans, Seungmin smirks as he delivers steak and eggs to booth four. 

Working in the Diner is nice, that night Jisung is able to play around with the mix of his songs and take off his headphones and tease Seungmin when he needs a break. He messes around with Runner’s High for hours, making the end of 19 run into the beginning, with just a long enough intro that Jisung can introduce the song if he wants to. He does. He wants to shout out Changbin, or maybe thank him, they wrote it together after all, even if Jisung is just going to sing his own lines. 

Changbin is going to be there. He said he would, to make it up to him, Jisung made him promise. 

The gross evil part of Jisung feels like bragging, not to Changbin really just to the whole world. That, so what he doesn’t have a fancy internship where he can meet fancy people, and touch equipment that costs more than his tuition, that pays $12 an hour, he doesn’t need it. He doesn’t need it, for someone to like his stuff, to perform the songs he wrote, to a crowd of people who want to be there.

In the car ride home they listen to TY and a few of the artists that will be performing, and Seungmin sings along to a bass and synth heavy indie rock song from a guy named Wonpil. Aprrently Seungmin has a Soundcloud of his own, not for posting, but listening to his favorite pop rock songs.

Seungmin looks at Jisung at a red light, his face more serious than usual, “No but seriously what do I wear.” Jisung laughs at the real distress in his voice. Seungmin finally relaxes when Jisung agrees to review any outfit photos Seungmin sends him. Now that he’s not trying to get in his pants, it’s so much easier to laugh at Seungmin’s attitude, sometimes he can simultaneously act very high-strung and above it all. 

Jisung opens the door quietly, even though he knows it will creak either way. It’s not _that_ late, but his mom had been going to bed earlier and earlier. When he toes off his shoes and crosses to the living room, she’s there, very much not asleep and staring at him, he jumps. 

“You scared me!” He complains clutching at his chest.

“I was waiting for you! I have a thing for you!” She's excited, practically bouncing where she sits a paper grocery bag held to her chest. 

“A thing?” His curiosity is peaked. 

“Your aunt found this while cleaning out your grandfather's attic, to give to me, to give to you.” She holds out the grocery bag, “and now i’m giving it to you. Hopefully you can wear it for your thing tomorrow night.” He had sort of told his mom about the show, in the vaguest terms possible. His mom is cool, but there only so much she can take, and only so much Jisung is willing to share. 

Jisung takes the bag from his mom and opens it, and then blinks at what's inside trying to process what it is. Inside the bag there is something brown, brown for sure, and crumpled up. He reaches inside and pulls it out grinning when he feels it, suede that's soft over the pads of his fingers. Suede that was already owned, he doesn’t even have to feel weird about it. 

He pulls it out of the bag and gasps when he realizes what it is. He doesn’t even care that his mom is openly laughing at his excitement as he turns it around to face him.

Its a jacket, light brown suede, with gold snap buttons down the front, with two breast pockets on the front and a thick band on the bottom. It was sort of cropped, so that it would hit right at top of the wearers waist, and flaunted gold studs at every seam. Around the pockets, along the bottom, up the sides, on the collar and even down each arm, glinting with metallic gold studs. It is garish, loud and definitely not in style, straight out of a 60’s psychedelic dandy mag. Jisung is in love with it. 

He rips off his back pack, and immediately puts it on, the gold lining slides easily over his t-shirt. The sleeves are a little too long, covering half his hand, but when he pushes it up to his elbows he can’t even tell. His mom laughs at him as he runs to her room to look in the only full length mirror in the house. He looks dumb, wearing it with jorts but that doesn’t even matter becuase it’s still the coolest thing he owns. It’s too big, hangin off him a bit, not fitting close to his body like it was made to do, but Jisung loves it. He feels like a rocker, like a revolutionary, like someone who’s going places. He instantly knows what he’s wearing for the show. 

Changbin has to work until ten monitoring a performance, but he promises (promises in all caps), that he’ll be there, that he’ll be there before, during, and after Jisung’s five minute set. Can it even be called a set if its only five minutes?

“Yes it’s still a set. You should be more excited, instead of like, moping or doing whatever you are doing,” Seungmin lectures on the way. 

“I’m not moping!” Jisung says, defensive.

“I would squint at you right now, but I'm driving. Just know that.”

“I’m not moping! I'm just nervous. New people, I barely know Yuta, performing for the first time around people who don’t know me at least in passing.” 

“And you promise none of this has to do with Changbin?” Ahh there it is. The Changbin question. He’s nervous to see him. He hopes nothing’s changed, he doesn’t know what he will do if they have. How much can Jisung fuck up before they are ruined?

Jisung shrugs, and hesitates before speaking, “I guess I don’t know.” 

Seungmin must sense the vulnerability in his voice because instead of making fun of him he says, “I get the last time you saw him was rough, but trust me, one hook up going pear shaped isn’t going to ruin your whole friendship.” 

“You are the only person under thirty saying pear shaped.” Seungmin doesn’t have to look away from the road to hit him.

Seungmin has to park three blocks away and won’t stop whining about how hot it is, even though he’s wearing less than Jisung. Seungmin, after much debate, is wearing converse, black jeans and a white t-shirt with artful rips Hyunjin left at his house one time. It doesn’t look like it, but it took him hours to work up the courage to wear it all together. Jisung is actually hot, sweating and cranky, but he would rather die than take off his jacket. The combination of the jacket, his black shirt and black jeans and his combat boots that make him taller, has him dying, sweating like a sinner in church. The dips in his spine could probably serve as a slip in slide for small creatures, they are that coated in sweat, but again he would rather die than take off his jacket. 

Jisung doesn’t know quite what he was expecting, but it’s not this. For all intents and purposes, it’s a pretty normal street. It’s not in a great part of town, a little west and south of the action, more south and they’ll be in gang territory. (Jisung doesn’t know which gang, he’s a suburb boy, but he knows it’s gang territory) But they aren’t in gang territory. The houses that line the street are mostly gable front houses, old, and close together, and sort of falling apart. Stairs are broken, porches are caving in, one house has a porch swing that fell on one side, and now sits slanted and unusable, still attached by one chain to the roof of the porch. There are yards, for some reason Jisung has never pictured houses that have house shows as having yards. Which is sort of dumb, because they are still houses, why wouldn’t they have yards?

Jisung doesn’t have to double check the address because the second he rounds the corner he can already tell which is the house. Its green, sort of a teal color, with a porch, and it’s already teeming with people. People stand outside, illuminated by streetlights, even though the sun hasn’t fully set yet. It’s the solstice, longest day of the year. Just a bright red strip on the horizon remains. The moon is already out, and the stars would be too, but there's too much light pollution here to see them clearly. Everything is red and softly lit, thrown into stark contrast from the street lights across the street. The smokers outside exhale billowing smoke that’s bathed red in the glow. 

Red sky at night, sailors delight. But Jisung doesn’t much like boats. 

Seungmin grabs Jisung’s arm and pushes through the small crowd of smokers and loiterers already swaying with the music wafting from the basement. Jisung can tell it isn’t live yet. Seungmin shoves and loudly and primly says “excuse me” whenever someone so much as thinks of grumbling or glaring. He pushes Jisung’s shoulders up the stairs of the porch, thankfully not broken, until he’s pushed right in front of the door, in front of a woman so intimidating Jisung sort of wants to die.

Jisung waits for her to say something, she just raises her eyebrow. 

“Im Han Jisung” Jisung says after a beat, she looks at him, seemingly sizing him up. She has a slit in her eyebrow. Changbin would look good with a slit in his eyebrow. She doesn’t look very impressed. Jisung has never felt less impressive and he’s been accused of being an egomaniac. 

“Okay Han Jisung that will be $12 each, doors open in twenty minutes.”

“Um, shit sorry I'm performing. It might be under J.One,” he says dumbly “TY invited me” he adds after a second. 

Then she smiles and it's like she was never scary in the first place, with round happy cheeks and a crinkle in her eyes, “Ohh you’re TY’s new baby rapper!”

Seungmin laughs behind him but Jisung doesn’t care, because sure he’s gay but the coolest girl in the world just called him baby. Sort of. 

She keeps going, “Okay go up the stairs and then all the way down the hall, you’ll find him there. Do you have your stuff?” Jisung nods, holding onto his backpack straps with his laptop and a bunch or chords he has no clue if he’ll need. She makes a slant-y face on both of their hands with a sharpie and then she looks at Jisung, noticing his grim face and tense shoulders. She pinches his cheek, which makes Seungmin cackle, but again Jisung ignores him, “don’t look so nervous, he sent us you’re page it’s good.” Then she's stepping aside, opening the door, and Jisung looks back just in time to watch her smile disappear as she glares at the next person.

And then he remembers. He rushes back and grabs her arm and then immediately lets go. “Fuck sorry, I have someone else coming, you _have_ to let him in!”

“What’s the name?” She says, she looks sort of like she’s going to join Seungmin and laugh at him. 

“Seo Changbin. He’ll be coming later, but he’ll be here.” 

“Seo Changbin, got it.” Jisung breathes a sigh of relief and thanks her before joining Seungmin inside. Inside, some people are milling about, all the furniture has been pushed against the walls, and even though the performances don’t start for another half hour, at ten, people are already drinking. Most people look well on their way to buzzed.

Jisung finds the stairs around the corner, they are narrow and look more like the opening to a closet than to the other floor of a house, and there's another scary lady at these stairs, but she lets them up when he tells her his name. J.one, not his actual name, which feels very weird. But also kind of fun and exciting. 

At the top of the stairs, they follow the hallway all the way to the end like the first woman told them to, and the hallway opens up into a carpeted den with far too many lawn chairs and a table full of drinks. No wonder Yuta had extra chairs in his trunk. 

Jisung can vaguely recognize some of the performers from their soundcloud profiles and twitters. Jisung spots Moonbyul and someone who he thinks could be Woodz next to who he’s pretty sure is Kino. Didn’t he make a diss track about him? Jisung peers around. Even in his platform boots he’s not as tall as Seungmin but it's enough to see Yuta’s bright red hair. 

Yuta’s hair is down for once, and for the first time in the three years Jisung has known him he’s not wearing a polo. No, he’s wearing a patterned short sleeve button up, unbuttoned down to almost his navel, with leather pants and what looks like almost ten flashy silver piercings in his ear. He’s scrolling through his phone, drink in hand, but looks up and smiles a too wide smile when Jisung and Seungmin come over. 

“You made it!” Yuta looks excited, he might already be a little tipsy, he enthusiastically greets Seungmin, “welcome dude!” and opens his mouth to talk more when suddenly a man with bright white hair and a mesh shirt plops into his lap giggling. It’s TY. 

“Baby! I found you!” He says, repeatedly poking Yuta’s chest.

“I told you I wouldn't move,” Yuta says back and TY smiles wider and pecks him once, twice on the mouth. 

“So good to me.” It’s then that TY seems to notice they aren’t alone, “Oh! J. One right?” TY asks. Jisung doesn’t know how to respond so he nods. TY cocks his head to the side, then turns back to Yuta who’s grinning mischievously, he thinks and then his eyes widen and he looks back at Jisung, “Oh my god did he tell you we were roommates?” Jisung nods and Yuta cackles. TY hits him repeatedly. 

“What, we _are_ roommates technically,” Yuta says when TY keeps hitting him. 

“We are engaged! I’m your fiance! Stop calling me your roommate!” Jisung laughs too then, finally catching up. Things start to fall into place, why Yuta was so close with TY, why he helped him so much, maybe even why he left Japan.

TY reintroduces himself as Taeyong. He’s giggling and flushed red from the alcohol. As he fawns over Seungmin, asking him his favorite bands and squirming in Yuta’s lap he seems much closer to the man Jisung texted than his persona of TY. It gives Jisung hope that he can pull off J.One. 

Taeyong is a giggly drunk, and he offers to get Seungmin and Jisung drinks too. He doesn’t even wait for an answer. He comes back with two pink and orange drinks in solo cups, and Seungmin immediately takes his. 

“Should I have one? I mean, before I perform and all that?”

“Not if you don't want to. I can’t perform entirely sober, but it’ll wear off a little before I perform so I wont be so-”

“Messy,” Yuta finishes for him. 

“Yeah, sometimes just one drink helps though. Helps calm the nerves.” Jisung does have a lot of nerves. He takes the drink and Yuta looks away while Jisung finishes it. 

“I am seeing NOTHING. As far as admin knows nothing about this night is happening.” 

Taeyong drunkenly explains how everything works. Jisung can see him sobering up as he explains every thing to Jisung. He’ll have a bit of time after Kino to hook up his laptop and make sure everythings good. Taeyong tells him everyone’s names. It’s a lot of names. Apparently the woman who let them in is named Hwasa. Taeyong introduces him to a guy named Jackson who is performing after Jisung in the line up and also acting as the MC. He smiles at Jisung and he feels a little less nervous. Or maybe that’s the alcohol kicking in. 

**Han Jisung** (10: 03) 

It’s starting so i’m going to be downstairs where the performances are. Hwasa is the girl at the door, she has your name! Lmk when you get here! 

The basement is packed. Jisung can’t see the floor. Jisung makes it downstairs after the set’s already started, Seungmin tugging him towards the middle. Jisung didn’t hear the introduction but he doesn’t really need it. He leans against Seungmin and listens as a woman with a low voice croons into the mic, strumming her bass guitar until the track in the back crescendos and takes over and she really starts wailing into the mic. Jisung can’t help but bounce around purposely hitting his shoulder into Suengmin’s.

She finishes and someone else hooks up. Jackson tells a joke and asks everyone to drink more. Apparently upstairs there are drinks that are different than the ones on the second floor for the performers. It’s a nice feeling to be part of an exclusive group. The next person raps, and then stops and whips out a violin from nowhere and the crowd goes wild, hollering and screaming as they fucking fiddle and then rap some more. It’s not something Jisung would think to listen to but he can feel the energy bouncing around the room, the joy is palpable. Jisung is reminded that sometimes things don’t have to be compelling to be fun, to be engaging, to be worth screaming to. But Jisung has to stop screaming after that, because he remembers that he’s performing in an hour and he can’t lose his voice. 

**Han Jisung** (10:42) 

Are you almost here? Are you on your wayyyyyyy??????????

Moonbyul performs and then Woodz. Jisung tries to focus on their performance but Jisung is getting more and more anxious; he performs after Kino whos after Woodz and Changbin _still_ isn’t here. Moonbyul’s set is good, Seungmin is clearly enjoying it, but when Woodz takes over it all feels too soon. 

Woodz and Kino are actually performing. Sets that will last longer than five minutes. He has time, but it doesn’t feel like enough. He taps on Seungmin’s arm twice and then slips away. There are less people on the main floor, not the crush of bodies that is the basement, but it’s still crowded, still too populated. Jisung pushes through them and up the second set of stairs to the top floor. It’s deserted. Everyone is in the basement, either performing or enjoying the performances. 

Jisung wanders down the hallway looking for a bathroom. He finds a small bedroom with three twin beds that seems straight out of a book, what with its mismatched quilts and too many pillows. He closes the door and opens another across from it. It’s already cracked open. He pushes on it and it doesn’t even creak. Inside there's a queen sized bed, draped with different blankets and in the center if the bed Yuta sits next to Taeyong, combing his fingers through his hair and rubbing his back, as the other drinks water. It’s so sweet, so private Jisung feels dirty watching. When he speaks, Jisung is surprised to find it’s in Korean.

“You're going to do great baby, you always do.” Taeyong stops drinking and leans against Yuta. 

“You should be listening and watching the performances, not playing with my hair just because I still get nervous.”

“There's nowhere I’d rather be, idiot. If you want we can go watch Ji’s together. Or we can kick out all these fools and just spend all night right here.” Taeyong laughs at that,

“Just get rid of everyone and hide under the blankets? What about my sad gay street cred?” 

“If anything it might fit your image,” Yuta says and Taeyong laughs, tucking his chin into Yuta’s shoulder. 

“Watching Jisung perform together sounds nice. I wonder if he’ll do 19. It makes me think of when we met.” This feels so wrong, looking at something so private, but Jisung can’t look away, can’t make his feet move at Yuta tilts Taeyong head up. 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah. Thanks for finding me,” Taeyong says. Yuta brushes his cheek with his thumb, 

“Thanks for keeping me.” They smile at each other, and they are so in love it hurts. Jisung expects them to kiss – if this was a movie they would kiss right now – but instead Yuta leans his head down and presses his forehead against Taeyong’s. Jisung can see Taeyong close his eyes and tension release from his shoulders, vulnerable and safe and utterly relaxed everywhere they lean against each other, supporting each other. 

Jisung feels on fire. He steps back once, and again. He pushes against the next door and finally finds a bathroom. He locks the door, sits on the edge of a tub, and closes his eyes. He looks at his phone. 11:13, seventeen minutes until he takes the stage. Except it’s not really a stage, just a raised wooden platform with a rug that Jisung will stand on and perform, for the first time. For real. 

For the first time alone. Just J.One, in front of hundreds of people who don’t know Han Jisung, chronic flirt and class clown. Just J.One the sentimental rapper with drive, who’s going places, who speaks his mind and tears down authority. 

**Han Jisung** (11:14)

I have 15 minutes, please show up.

Jisung opens the soundcloud app and scrolls down, down, down to “I see.” He’s not performing it tonight but he needs to see something. He goes to about thirty seconds in, just when his voice comes in, and sees the comment he is looking for: 

**urfullsun66** \- this song got me through this year

He wishes Changbin was here. He scrolls to later in the song: 

**Markgeolli** \- this guys gonna make it, makes me feel like I might too

He’s going to make it. He clicks on Runner’s High, there are more comments on this one. 

**Yunananana** \- this song makes me want to punch a cop

Jisung can’t help but giggle, he remembers when Changbin and him had read that comment together. 

**SpearB** \- J.One’s flow so cool ~~~ 

Jisung laughs, he forgot that Changbin did that. He checks his phone: ten minutes now. Jisung stands up from the tub and looks at himself. His face isn’t as flushed as earlier from the dancing and the drink, but it still shines with sweat. He grabs a washcloth from the rack, wets it, and wipes down his face and neck. He runs a hand through his hair, pushing it off his forehead. He rolls up his sleeves. He tries to feel more like a warrior preparing for battle and less like someone heading for execution. He pushes his sleeves up higher and looks at himself in the mirror. He takes a breath and forces himself to relax. He smirks at himself and lets the easy confidence of J.One wash over him. 

**Han Jisung** (11: 22) 

You’ll be here. 

Back in the basement, Kino is bouncing with the audience to a drop in his set. The song bleeds into something slower and creepier. He smiles at the audience like they’re a meal to be eaten before he keeps going. Jisung pushes towards where he left Suengmin and finds him holding a fist to his collarbone, as if he’s clutching pearls. Kino has put the basement in a trance, his voice settles under Jisungs skin before a spike in the song hits and he’s wailing. The final refrain in the song comes, and instead of the powerful knife twisting jilted ex-lover tone of before, he whispers it, sonding broken and lost. 

Silence hangs over the audience before everyone’s cheering. Jisung screams with them, and then all too soon, Kino says thank you and shouts his instagram and soundcloud and grabs his stuff. Seungmin pushes Jisung’s shoulder and he snaps out of it, holy shit he’s up. He shoulders through the crowd and grabs his laptop from the cabinet Taeyong had told everyone to put their stuff in. 

Jackson steps up to the platform, and Jisung scurries to the table behind him, gratefully taking the cords from Kino.

“How are we doing tonight?” Jackson asks in a loud voice to be met with screams and cheers from the audience. Kino mutes the board while they plug the aux in and Jisung is grateful; he had forgotten about that and there would have been a huge pop if he had done it. 

“How do we feel about our lovely host TY?” The audience screams even louder than before. He pulls up his mix, double checking everything one last time.

“Well then, I present to you a little gift from TY to you. Folks, give a loud, friendly, not entirely sober welcome to... J.One!” The crowd screams and Jackson offers the mic and a reassuring smile to Jisung. Jisung presses the spacebar on his computer and takes the mic. 

The track starts. He has eighteen seconds before he comes in. “What's up I’m J.One, everything sucks, the world is falling apart, this is 19.” The audience laughs, thank god. Jisung breathes and starts it off. He had been vaguely worried about freezing up, but now that he’s here in front of everyone he doesn't have to think, his mind is a million different places but the words fall from his lips easily. 

He looks at the audience. He can see faces in the dim lighting. Changbin and him had performed at a talent show once, mostly as a joke. Back then in the auditorium the lights had been right on his face, bright enough that he couldn't see the faces of his peers in the audience, but this wasn’t an auditorium, and the audience weren’t kids he would see in the hallway. 

In the audience he could see some of the performers, but mostly it was strangers, all older, most holding a drink, all eyes on him. He spots Seungmin – he’s clasping his pearls again. Jisung smiles. He looks around more and he can see Taeyong and Yuta watching, Taeyong looks happy but he shows it differently now that he’s downstairs. No longer is he the giggly drunk upstairs or the vulnerable man he saw in the bedroom, now he’s smiling wide and swiveling his hips, confidently cheering, more TY than Taeyong, but not quite either. 

“Back, back, back, back, back, back.” Jisung moves on and keeps looking. He looks at the stairs in the back and combs through the faces of the audience, squinting, trying to make them out. He sees so many people, everyone listening, but he doesn’t see him. Where is Changbin?

“This should be good enough.” Where is he, he promised he was coming. He promised, he was doing this to make it up to him. He was going to show up, he promised, so where was he?

Jisung closes his eyes and focuses on the performance, but that’s so much worse. So much worse because the second he closes his eyes he sees Changbin the first time he played him 19. Sitting on Changbin’s queen sized bed, while Changbin sat at his desk in his room, his eyes closed as he listened. The way his lips had curved up and the way he’d whooped afterwards, already cheering for him. The way he had teased afterwards, in a way that made Jisung know he had liked it. The way he had pulled his cheeks and tugged his ear and told him “Good work, bug eyes.” Jisung misses his best friend.

“This place that felt so big.” He opens his eyes. He doesn’t bother looking for him. Instead Jisung takes a page from Kino’s book and feels each lyric, making eye contact with different audience members as he finishes the song. 

“This place that felt so awkward.” There's a couple a little ways back that’s making out, which is sort of funny. This song isn’t very sexy, but the desperate way they grab each other, the way they hold each other tight? Jisung gets it. 

“This place that felt so big.” He finishes and doesn’t know what to do. He does finger guns to the audience, which instantly feels awkward and like the wrong move, but the crowd cheers. The intro he made to Runner’s High starts to thrum, and Jisung knows he has to speak. He made this time to speak, but he never really decided what to say. He had thought of pointing to Changbin in the audience, but he’s not here (he’s not here, he’s not here, he’s not here), but he has to say something. 

“This is Runner’s High, co-written and produced by Spearb! This is the first part. Check out either of our soundclouds for the whole thing!” He still has time, fuck what does he say? He spots Yuta in the audience looking hopeful and shouts the first thing that comes to his mind into the mic, “Eat the rich!” Everyone screams, and a moment later he starts. 

He wills himself to stop focusing on Changbin, it’s hard because this song is so theirs, so shared, so quintessentially them, but Jisung pushes that from his mind. 

Runner’s High is fun. Jisung could have never predicted how thrilling it is to smirk and deliver to crowds of people in a neatly tied bow, self assurance in waves, especially as he speeds up, going faster and faster. Jisung feels unstoppable, gesturing with his hand not holding the mic, pointing at different audience members, smirking and then looking away. 

He can feel the beat in the soles of his feet and the way it rattles around in his ribcage. He goes off that. The crowd starts bouncing with him, feeding off his energy, giving more and more back until it feels natural to roll his eyes with the lyrics and act better than it all.

He gets to the second verse, bringing the energy down, squatting down with it. He feels it build. The audience can feel it too, screaming at the end of each phrase and getting lower, as Jisung speeds up.

“Go to church on Sunday and pray, Amen.” He points to the audience with the mic. They get the hint and shout, “Amen!” Welcome to Jisung’s church of degenerates. 

“Lord I’ll be the one.” He’s fully standing now, he can feel the anticipation build in the air, and he’s so glad he cut the hook and rearranged some things. “Lord, Lord, I’ll be the one.” It’s a promise. “God, please take me to the next level. Let’s go.” He points at the audience but looks up when he screams the final, “Woo!” 

Instead of cutting to the hook like in the original, Jisung sings the chorus with the audience just once. Everyone is jumping, he can feel the basement vibrations in the floor, in the wooden platform beneath his feet, “I’m on that runner’s high!” 

The song cuts, hundreds of people scream and cheer and Jisung gathers his wits just enough to say, “I was J.One. Thank you, you guys were amazing! Thank you TY!” He feels punched by the cheers; without the music his platform still shakes from the sheer force of the crowd’s elation.

He turns around, and TY is _right there._ Gone is Taeyong, TY slaps him on the back and shouts right in his ear to be heard over the crowd, “Get used to it, J.One.” 

Jackson doesn’t have to come back on stage in between. TY entertains the crowd, his crowd really, all by himself. He sets up easily, practiced in each motion, before he grabs the mic and begins. 

“I got a bad habit,” he starts, low and gravely and full of charisma. TY’s set is awesome. He jumps to it with Seungmin. His songs are all angry and loud and unapologetic – he’s not playing any of his sad ones tonight. 

TY starts his third song and it finally all catches up to Jisung. Adrenaline wearing off, he grabs Suengmin’s arm and shouts over the crowd, “Water break?” Seungmin nods and they push their way through the crush of bodies to the stairs, and then up to the main floor. Jisung drags them to the Kitchen where three people are making drinks. Seungmin and Jisung each get a water and a cup of what might just be tequila and the idea of juice. 

Seungmin is clearly bad at complimenting people because he just keeps sort of hitting Jisung’s shoulder and going, “Dude what the fuck!” It makes him almost spill his drink but also he can’t stop smiling. 

“I can’t believe that you actually looked cool up there. You should go into acting if the rapping thing doesn’t work out.” 

“Fuck off!” Jisung says but he’s laughing, he can’t stop. He just performed! At a show! That some people had to pay money to go to! 

Seungmin chugs his water and uses his free hand to tug Jisung out the front door.“For fresh air!” he claims, but that’s stupid from the sheer amount of people smoking outside. They find a far corner of the porch that is less crowded so they can lean their elbows against the railing. It’s cooler out here, Jisung stops actively sweating. They don’t have to shout to hear each other out here, but they can still hear TY’s set, feel the vibrations of the bass.

It’s almost twelve. Jisung feels like he has lived four lifetimes since ten. He checks his phone. There's no new texts, but there is a voicemail from Changbin. He presses play and holds it up to his ear. He can’t quite hear it. He turns his volume all the way up, puts it on speaker, presses the bottom of his phone to his ear and concentrates. It’s muffled, like he wasn’t talking directly into the phone, and everythings still a little too loud but he’s able to make out some of it this time. 

“Jisung! Jisungggggg! Jisungies show! He’s a real rapper,” and then something muffled. Jisung can hear other voices in the background. “-and I didn’t gooooo!” Jisung grimaces as Changbin laughs, right into the phone, a little manic, “I didn’t goooooo, oh he’s so cool with his show!” Changbin laughs again and something inside Jisung snaps. Maybe it's the thing in his stomach. “Sorrrrrry I’m coming! I’m sorry! I’m,” he laughs again loud and discordant, “the worst!”

Seungmin looks at Jisung, “What was that?” What _was_ that?

“A voicemail from Changbin,” Jisung takes a sip of his drink before continuing, “I think he might be drunk. I think he’s coming.” 

Seungmin frowns, it looks out of place on his flushed face, “Well he missed out, he better be very apologetic or,” Seungmin holds up his bony fist, not very threateningly. It makes Jisung laugh, he kinda feels like he’s going to cry. Jisung finishes his drink, but he’s no longer buzzing, he doesn’t feel it in his system. Maybe he should go back down there and dance more. 

Just then, his phone buzzes. 

**Trash Bin** (12:03) 

M here where r uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

 **Trash Bin** (12:03) 

O! I see u!

“Jisung!” Jisung looks up, and there’s Changbin, wearing his goth prep work clothes, jogging towards the porch. Jisung can see Chan walking calmly behind him. “Jisung over here!” Jisung is very clearly looking at him. Changbin is very clearly drunk. And late. Jisung waves, meekly. 

Jisung expects Changbin to take the stairs, or at least fucking slow down, but he jogs right up to the side, three or so feet under Jisung. From this distance Changbin looks flushed and alive, eyes unfocused, his smile wide and a little unhinged. Then he reaches forward and Jisung realizes what he’s trying to do. 

“Oh my god, don’t you fucking dare try and climb this railing, people live here, just, just wait right there.” Jisung briskly pushes his way through the smokers to the stairs and then down the stairs. He marches right up to Changbin, grabs his arm and pulls him around the side of the house for relative privacy. 

“Jisung!” 

“Are you drunk?” Jisung asks, like he doesn’t already know. 

“Are you sober?” Changbin asks back with what seems like genuine curiosity. 

“No, I drank a little after.” Jisung is trying to take this seriously, because then maybe Changbin will too. “Where were you?”

Changbin tugs on his arm (Jisung didn’t realize that they hadn’t let go), “I’m sorry Sungie.” 

“Where were you? Why are you drunk?”

Changbin shrugs his big dumb shoulders, “I was with Chan.” And fuck that. Fuck that so much. 

“You promised.” Jisung tries to sound serious, but he sounds all of nine years old.

“I’m sorry.” 

“Is that it?” Jisung huffs, “Is that all you got?” Changbin doesn’t say anything, Jisung has never wanted to punch Changbin before. He kind of wants to right now. He also kind of wants to kiss him. He doesn’t do either, instead he rips his arm from Changbin and continues, “Why did you even come then?” 

“I promised you. So I came. Im here, because, I mean I _am_ sorry, but I wasn’t going to go to your fucking performance. I knew the second I got off work and so I, you know, and then your texts. You just seemed so, so, so, so sad, and I didn’t want you to be sad.” 

Jisung doesn’t know how to process that. “You _knew_ you weren’t going to come?”

“Is that all you got from that?” Jisung is too shocked to respond, and then Changbin rolls his eyes, like he’s the one who gets to be angry here, “of course that's all you got from that, you’re such a selective listener, it’s like you're never listening to me.” 

“Excuse me, what? What the fuck?” Jisung lets out a little shocked half-laugh. 

“You never listen to me! It’s like, it’s like, you only ever hear what YOU want to hear, I could talk forever and you would never actually fucking listen!”

“You aren’t the one that gets to be fucking mad right now, asshole,” Jisung says back, voice laced with venom. 

“See! Look, I said something, and then you didn’t listen, because you didn’t want to hear it. Or if you're not ignoring what I say, you’re just ignoring me! You wait until you _know_ you can have the last word! And then you don’t talk to me. And it’s _always_ my fault, because you are too stubborn to be wrong. Whens the last time we fucking _talked_ Jisung? When's the last time you listened?” 

“I’m listening to you, I’m fucking listening, so tell me, tell me, im listening why would you break your promise? Why were you _planning_ on ditching me? Why didn’t you say something?” 

“Is this still about your fucking set?” 

Jisung is dumbfounded, “What the fuck else would it be about?” 

Changbin laughs and it’s mean. “What else would it be about? What else would it be about? You’re right, we have nothing else.” What. What does that mean? “I didn’t come to your show tonight because I knew it would hurt,” he pokes Jisungs chest. it’s nothing like when Taeyong poked Yuta’s earlier in the night. “And despite my past actions, I have some self preservation instincts.” 

“What?” It’s quieter than what he said before. He can’t take his eyes off where Changbin’s index finger is digging into his chest. 

“I was going to come, but then the time came and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stand there and watch you perform _our_ songs, while I was in the crowd. I couldn’t take it, not after earlier this week. Message received, you don’t need me.” He laughs again. Mean. “You don’t need me anymore, you don’t need me to be with, you don’t need me to talk to, you don’t need me to write with, or perform with, I taught you everything I knew about producing, and you don’t need anything else. You don’t need me to be with people more powerful, apparently you can do that by yourself. Did you suck Yuta’s dick too or was that just me?” 

Jisung pushes him. He’s crying and he blinks the tears away so he can push him again. “Are you kidding me right now?” He pushes him again. “I don’t need you? What the fuck do you mean? I thanked you, I didn’t sing any words you wrote. Everything I did tonight was mine, and I thanked you and told everyone to check you out. I didn’t steal anything from you!” 

“I never said you did! I just said you don’t need me anymore, you got everything you need from me.”

Jisung pushes him again, why won’t he fucking push back, “Are you trying to say I _used_ you?” 

“Jisung? Is everything okay?” It’s Seungmin. Him and Chan are coming around the corner of the house.

“Oh! I’m an idiot! Of course it’s Seungmin, is this why we had to stop fucking?” Chan gasps and Jisung wants to melt into the soil, “so you could finally bed the great Kim Seungmin? I should have guessed! Why sleep with me when you could fuck another one of your friends? Does he taste better, Jisung?” 

Seungmin tries to interrupt, “Changbin sto-” but Changbin doesn’t care. He keeps going. 

“Does he know what to do? Did you bring him here to be your little groupie? Does he know what you like? Seungmin! His nipples are extra sensitive, and he likes when you pull his hair!” He pretends like he’s calling to Seungmin, but his eyes are on Jisung the whole time, “Does he call you a slut too?” 

Jisung slaps him. He doesn’t even think about it, he just slaps him. He hears people gasp. Hopefully it’s just Chan and Seungmin. Jisung’s tears trail hot tracks down his cheeks. His chest is heaving. There's silence except for the music from the basement, the distant sounds of the party, and Jisung’s ragged breathing. No cicadas. 

When he speaks again its low and dangerous. 

“Oh, you’re so high and mighty, like we didn’t start this shit just because you wanted to fuck Chan. Don’t act like I was anything other than practice for you, because you were scared.” Jisung says, staring at Changbin’s face where it’s turned away from him. 

Changbin turns to look at him, his eyes are dark and wild, “I was never, not ever going to fuck Chan. I never wanted to, I never entertained the idea, I would never in a million years sleep with him.” 

In the background Jisung can hear Chan mutter, “ouch.” Changbin continues,

“And you would know that if you fucking listened to me.” Jisung doesn’t know what to say. He’s out of mean words, he blinks away more tears. Changbin is just staring at him, breathing heavy, his breath smells like gin. 

“I think you should go Changbin.” Jisung desperately hopes it sounds cold and even and not broken and wet like he feels. 

“I think you’re right Jisung.” He turns around and walks away. Chan looks between them, a little helplessly, and then follows Changbin. The second they both round the corner, Jisung slumps down and catches himself on his knees. Seungmin comes to him in an instant. 

“What can I do?” Jisung shakes his head, the tears are coming in earnest now. 

“I just want to leave.” Seungmin pushes Jisung’s hair off his face for him. 

“Okay, I’ll go get your stuff,” Jisung had forgotten about his backpack and laptop, “you wait here.” 

So Jisung waits and sits on the damp grass on the side of Taeyong and Yuta’s house, and cries. There's still music playing, not TY anymore. Maybe it’s Jackson. He doesn’t want to go home. Back to his mom, and Carlos, and Peaches. It’s too close. He takes out his phone. 

**Han Jisung** (12:23) 

Something happened. I'm not coming home. 

And then he sends a different text. 

**Han Jisung** (12: 24) 

Something happened. I’m coming home.

Seungmin comes back, he has Jisung’s backpack on his back and another cup of water. Jisung drinks it as they walk back to the car. It’s less hot now. Jisung is grateful for his jacket. 

“I’m so sorry for all of that.” 

Jisung shrugs, “Not your fault.” 

“He’s an asshole.” 

“Maybe,” Jisung says. Changbin didn’t slap anyone. 

“He’s an idiot.” 

Jisung snorts, wetly. “That’s his charm.” 

Seungmin doesn’t put on music when they reach his car. Jisung takes his backpack back and holds it to his chest. “Where to?” Seungmin asks after he starts the car. His phone buzzes. 

**Carlos (the man)** (12:36) 

Okay. Where are you going?

“Actually can you drop me off at the train station?” Jisung asks. 

**Han Jisung** (12:36) 

My dads.

“Sure. Where are you going?” 

**Dad (y chromosome)** (12:37) 

Side door is unlocked. 

“I’m going to see my dad. I think it’s time”

Jisung stares at the ceiling of his bedroom at his dad’s house for several long minutes. There's a long winding crack on the ceiling from the bathroom upstairs that Jisung has watched slowly grow longer in the years he’s slept here. When he lived here, really lived here, full time in middle school, it wasn’t that big, but now it is. Big, that is. Curving across the ceiling in jagged edges. 

Jisung heaves a sigh and gets out of bed. When he came home last night, he didn’t shower, didn’t even put on pajamas, just took off his clothes. Jisung can still smell the alcohol and smoke and the dried cool sweat on his skin. He takes a shower in the basement, washing his hair twice. The water pressure at his dad's house is better than at his mom's, the water blast at him drying out his skin and even sort of hurting when it hits sensitive areas. Still he stays in the spray until his fingers prune, until it’s no longer warm, until he has to get out. 

So he gets out. 

His dresser at his dad's house is not empty, but everytime Jisung comes, whether Changbin comes with him or not, he brings an overnight bag. His dresser isn’t empty but it’s full of reject clothes, clothes he didn’t like enough to wear every day, clothes he didn’t care enough about to bring back, sleep clothes, clothes he could paint a house in and not worry about stains. Not that he’s ever painted a house. 

He pulls on a 5k shirt from middle school where he didn’t actually run, just handed out water to the runners because his dad’s friend helped organize it. Jisung’s dad had run in it, and Jisung remembers getting excited, and waiting for the opportunity to shove his dad a paper cup full of water. He must have been eleven years old. 

The sweatpants he ends up in are too short, leaving his ankles bare. He covers them with the long socks in the top drawer, the only socks available. 

He emerges from the basement and plods into the kitchen. His dad is cooking something at the stove, already in his work clothes. Jisung sits at the kitchen table and watches him. He doesn’t have his phone. He didn’t even think about bringing it up from the basement, he didn't even think about taking it out of the jacket pocket to plug it in. Instead he watches his dad, blue button up shirt on tucked into khakis, his sleeves pushed up and his yellow tie still hanging loose around his neck.

“Good morning,” he says, and his dad jumps and grabs at his chest with the hand not holding the spatula. 

“You scared me! I didn’t hear you come in!” Jisung is reminded he gets his skittishness from his dad. 

“Sorry.” 

“Good morning, im making scrambled eggs,” the toaster dings and Jisung's dad jumps again, “and toast.” Jisung nods and watches his dad stir the eggs around with the tip of the spatula. Jisung grabs two plates and puts toast on each. He squeezes past his dad to grab peanut butter and margarine from the fridge. (Jisung’s dad refuses to buy butter.) 

Jisung is just setting down two mugs on the table when his dad speaks again, “I know you didn’t come because you wanted to visit me.” Jisung breaths out a sigh, he really doesn’t want to talk to his dad about last night. “And I’m not going to make you talk about it,” thank god, “but I’m glad you came home.” 

Jisung doesn’t speak. From the way his dad is staring at the eggs, not looking at him, Jisung knows more is coming. 

“I was worried.” He takes a breath, “I don’t know how much your mother talks about this,” never a good start, “but after you graduated high school our child support agreement ended. Custody is no longer a thing. It would have been when you turned 18, but she wanted it to be when you graduated. So I agreed. I’m still paying child support, and in September I'll start paying monthly tuition installments instead.” He takes a breath. It seems like a big one.   
“I didn’t know that.” 

“Well, yeah it's weird I- we don’t want you to feel like some sort of object, I don’t need a piece of paper to want to help pay for your college education I just-” He cuts himself off, stirs the eggs and tries again, “The agreement is over. Which means you technically, starting the day after your graduation, never had to visit me again if you didn’t want to anymore. You don’t, you don’t have any obligation to come here anymore.” Jisung doesn’t know how to process that. 

“You thought I would just stop coming?” 

His dad grimaces at the eggs. He lowers the heat. “I wouldn’t have blamed you. I didn’t expect anything, either way, totally your decision and one I would respect. I realized recently, too late, that at some point I just stagnated. I failed you as a dad an-”

“You didn’t fail me as a dad!” Jisung interrupts. 

“No listen, thank you, but at some point I stopped actually parenting. I just sort of was here, and you came and saw me and I only went to your highschool twice. When I was in the auditorium before you walked across the stage the only thing I could keep thinking was that I had never seen the auditorium before that. That I only went to one parent teacher conference, and it was for a 504 because I had to be there. I never talked to your math teachers, or met your friends' parents.” And Jisung wants to interrupt, but what would he say? He’s right. 

“You came here, once a month, sometimes twice a month, and I met Changbin, but I still didn’t,” he makes a gesture that flicks some egg onto his cheek, “I didn’t parent. You. I didn’t parent you. I just watch you grow up, and I’m not stupid, it wasn’t easy, what with your mom, and the whole not being heterosexual thing,” Jisung laughs but his dad continues, “and high school can suck, and the best thing I ever was, was here.” He turns off the heat and finally faces Jisung. He looks tired, and slumped, and older than Jisung ever remembers his dad looking. 

“So Jisung, I’m sorry. You went back to your mom’s and I just stopped being a dad. I’m sorry. You deserved me to be more there, more accessible. I have no way of knowing if you would have told me things, but you deserved that option. So, I’m sorry,” he takes a breath, “For so much. And if it’s okay, I want to get better. Be more present. I want to visit you at school and take you and your roommate out to dinner and for it to not be weird.” Jisung laughs again and it’s we. Something about this, watching his dad look so broken, hearing him apologize, has made something in Jisung crack. 

“I want you to text me when you need advice, and when you just want to complain. I can’t make up for four years, but I want to be better, if that’s okay with you?” Jisung just nods emphatically, his face sticky and wet. He stands and for the first time in a long time, he hugs his dad. He’s not so much taller than him anymore, but he tucks his wet face in the shoulder of his dress shirt anyway. 

The eggs are burnt. But they still taste fine. 

He takes a deep breath, he wants to try this too. “I had a fight with Changbin.” 

His dad is listening. Weird. “You don’t fight much do you?” he asks, prompting Jisung. 

“We don’t. I think this might be the first real one. I said some things, I _did_ some things and he. He said some things, that just. Really hurt. And,” he looks at his dad, they don’t really talk about this. Does his dad look like a narc? “And he didn’t say them sober.” 

“Ah.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Do you find that, that hurts more because of-” 

“Yeah. I mean. Because it’s Changbin and he knows about everything. With mom.” He takes a breath, “I wish, if that’s how he feels, he could have said it to me sober. I don’t usually react like this. I don’t know if I should tell you this, but my friends drink, I drink too. Not that much.” A lie, but not a big one. “And people tell me crazy things all the time when they are drunk, and it doesn’t feel significant. But, Changbin _knows_ and, and I just wish he could have said all that, even if it was just hurtful, sober. But he didn’t.” 

Jisung can tell his dad wants to ask a question, but he’s trying to find the right one. Finally he speaks, “Do you think you would still be open to having that conversation, trying again, when you are both sober?”

Jisung thinks about that. He thinks about that all day, after his dad goes into work at 10, he slinks back down to the basement and doesn’t plug in his phone and he thinks about that. He plugs in his computer and he thinks about it. He has 112 new Soundcloud followers after last night. He closes his laptop and he thinks about it. He curls up on the futon in the basement and thinks about it. There's a Lord of the Rings marathon on ABC family 2. He thinks about it, and that he would fuck Arragorn, but he probably wouldn’t enjoy it. He doesn’t look like a very giving lover. Would Changbin laugh at that?

He would talk to Changbin again sober. He will talk to Changbin again. Just, not yet. 

When Jisung’s dad gets home, he brings take-out pepperoni pizza and joins him in the basement just in time for the start of the third movie. Jisung forgot at some point how nerdy his dad is, but he remembers now. His dad gives a running commentary on all the characters, what's the same versus different than the books, what characters and lore were ruined in the Hobbit movies. Jisung doesn’t actually care about the Lord of the Rings that much, but his dad, a usually quiet and awkward man, going on impassioned rants about Gimli is a sight to see. 

By the time the credits roll, it’s late, and Jisung is sleepily curled up in a ball in his corner of the futon when his dad speaks. 

“Did you think about it?”

“Yeah. I think I want to.” 

Jisung’s dad takes a breath, “Do you want me to take you to the train station?”

Jisung pokes him with a socked foot, “Nah, I want you to make me breakfast tomorrow too.” Jisung’s dad laughs. He hasn’t made his dad laugh in so long, he forgot how often he used to. 

Jisung goes to bed not long after that, he has a spare toothbrush, but not his retainer. It feels like a blessing. He can’t sleep, he stares at the ceiling crack, and thinks about his limbs feeling warm and heavy, and he still can’t fall asleep. 

He grabs his computer, opens youtube, desperate times call for desperate measures. Jisung eventually falls asleep with the help of “Sleepy Ocean Waves Sounds for Deep Sleeping, Relaxing Natural Lullaby, 8 Hours!”

Jisung’s dad works on Saturdays, it’s when he makes the most sales. He has his lucky checked shirt on, and a blue tie. He’s really pulling out all the stops. He makes them eggs in the basket, because he can’t quite do poached eggs and this is almost as impressive. Jisung pokes his yolk and dips his little toast circle in it as he jokes with his dad about his coworkers. 

He treks downstairs for more reject-clothes. He finds soccer shorts from middle school that still sort of fit, a little tight around his thighs, but they get the job done. He finds a grey crew neck that he has absolutely no recollection of buying. The he sneaks upstairs and steals a big green hoodie from his dad, something he got for a half marathon. It's cozy. 

Jisung grabs his computer and sits at the kitchen table as his dad races around grabbing the various things he needs for work. Jisung opens reddit, reddit’s fun for when he doesn’t actually want to talk to any of his friends. His dad leaves at 10:47, two clementines in one hand and his car keys and briefcase in the other, he waves at Jisung with the clementine hand. 

Reddit is fun for a while, until it’s not. He switches over to youtube and watches a man gut a fish, with morbid curiosity and a slightly upset stomach. He’s just removing the eggs, there's so many of them and they look like orbeez, when the doorbell rings. His dad’s house keys are sitting in front of him, he sort of expected this, he must have realized while still in the car. He grabs the keys and goes to the door. 

“You forgot your- oh.” It’s not his dad looking for his house keys. It’s Changbin, looking more broken than he’s ever seen him, 90 minutes and a state line away from where he’s supposed to be right now. 

“I'm an idiot,” he says. He doesn’t look like a preppy goth anymore. He’s wearing Adidas track pants and the shirt he wore paintballing the one time Changbin took Jisung. 

“It’s part of your charm. Come in.” Jisung bypasses his computer on the table, bypasses the formal living room. “Did Seungmin tell you I was here?” He heads right downstairs to the basement, to the futon, and gets in his corner. 

“Actually Carlos did.” He had forgotten that Changbin had Carlos’ number. 

They have spent so much time here. This is where they watched Pan Am together. They took edibles for the first time sitting on this futon. They never had sex here, which is sort of reassuring, in a weird way. The couch is still uncomplicated by everything thats happened. Changbin sits on the other end and pulls a pillow into his lap, picking at the tassels. 

“I’m sorry,” Changbin starts, and yeah that’s a pretty good place to start. “I fucked everything up on Thursday night. And before that too. But I _really_ fucked up Thursday night.”

“I'm sorry for hitting you.” Changbin waves it away. 

“I deserved it.” 

“I’m still sorry.” 

“I was a coward, and I wasn’t honest. So I’m going to try and be honest. And not a coward, in that order.” Jisung nods. Changbin continues, “I didn’t come to the show for a lot of reasons, but it was mainly because I’m a coward. I was selfish. I was scared that you were going to go there and perform and everyone was going to realize, were going to see, what I see, how fucking talented you are. I wanted to keep what we had to just us which is dumb because I _know_ that you don’t like that I sometimes work with Chan, but, but I had to. Because at first he asked me and I couldn’t say no. But then it became an outlet, to finally say some of the things i'm too cowardly to say to you. And I got scared, that you would realize you don’t need me before I ever got the courage to say them.” He breaths, Jisung kind of wants to comfort him, but he doesn’t understand yet. 

“I didn’t go because I was scared you were leaving me behind. And I felt like if I saw it, it would be undeniable proof, that you are too good for me. It’s not that I thought you _used_ me, that you took all you could from me, it was that I was scared I had nothing left to give you. You are going so many places, you are so bright. Sometimes I look at you, and you're just. You’re just so bright that I feel like all I can do it smother you.” Changbin takes a breath, it’s sort of watery. Changbin doesn’t cry. He seems close though. “God this whole honesty thing is hard.” 

Jisung laughs, “you’re doing great.” 

“I’m not done.” he laughs again, it’s so much softer than it was that night, “where do I go next?” 

“You never wanted to fuck Chan?” it has been rattling around in Jisung’s head ever since he heard it. 

“Right, yeah, ew.” Jisung laughs. “I never wanted to fuck Chan. I never even liked Chan like that.” Jisung laughs again, he can’t help it. “I was selfish, I still am, and a coward. There was someone more experienced than me, but it wasn’t Chan, but I couldn’t correct you. I guess what I meant when I yelled at you to listen, which again sorry,” Jisung just shakes his head. Changbin continues, “was that it was never Chan. How could it be Chan when it’s always been you?”

What. Changbin continues. 

“I was selfish, I already got to spend all my time with you, I already got to be your best friend, I got to know your secrets and fears, and I just. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I wanted you so bad, I was selfish and a coward, and then you offered and. And I couldn’t say no.” 

“When?” Jisung asks, and Changbin seems to know what he means. 

“Not always, not from the very beginning. After my dog died. The only person I wanted to be with was you. And then I realized, that it was always you, I always wanted to be with you. I would wake up and think about you in your bed scrunching your nose at the sun. I would walk by a shop window and think about how you would look in the clothes. I would do a math problem and wonder if you needed help again. I would go to sleep at night, and wonder if anything would be different if you were there with me. And then I got to kiss you. And be with you. And it was so nice, I got to be close to you, even if you didn’t feel anything for me, you were still my first. I get that, I get to know that forever, and isn’t that disgusting? You had no clue, I deceived you-”

“You didn’t trick me into sleeping with you, do not tell yourself that.” Jisung interrupts. 

“I still didn’t tell you my intentions, my motivation. I should have. I’m sorry for saying what I did on Thursday night, I shouldn’t have had. You don’t owe me anything, If fucking made you uncomfortable, and you just wanted to be friends I should have respected that. I knew that you wanted to be with Seungmin, and so i’m really sorry if I complicated that at all-” 

Jisung can’t listen to this anymore, so he cuts him off, “Im not with Seungmin.” his eyes are misty, he needs Changbin to understand him. 

“Oh.”

“And I don’t want to be. I didn’t end us hooking up to be with him.” 

“Oh.” 

“He kissed me, or we kissed, in the diner and it sucked. It was awful, because. Because it wasn’t you. I stopped hooking up with you because it hurt, because it was you.”

“ _Oh._ ”

“Because, Changbin I might have realized it too late, but I don’t want to be with anyone else. It’s you. Even if I didn’t realize it until a week ago, it’s _been_ you.” 

And Changbin is closing the distance between them, and Changbin is kissing him. His warm, small, calloused, perfect hands on his face. And Jisung lets the tears spill over his cheeks, because it doesn’t matter if he’s too sensitive, that he’s an easy crier, because this is Changbin, and Changbin has been and will be security. Will be safety. Changbin breaks apart to kiss his tear stained cheeks. When his lips find their way back to Jisung’s they are salty. 

Jisung scrambles into Changbins lap and refuses to break the kiss. How he’s missed these lips. Jisung grabs his shoulders and squeezes, he’s right here. Right here. 

Jisung pulls back to nip at Changbin’s jaw, “not allowed to leave.” 

Changbin hums, “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” One of Changbin’s hands goes to his hair but doesn't tug, just a comforting weight. The other goes under his hoodie. Jisung leans back and tugs his hoodie off. Jisung is about to go back in, to keep kissing him, maybe bite those shoulders he likes so much, when Changbin stops him. 

“Wait wait.” Changbin grabs his face again. 

“What?” Jisung asks through squished cheeks. 

“I love you. That’s what I’m saying. I’m saying I love you.” Jisung giggles at Changbin’s serious face.

“I love you too Changbin,” he giggles again, “how could I not?” Changbin’s crooked smile is so bright, he can feel it’s warmth when they kiss again. Their clothes come off and Jisung laughs when Changbin murmurs into his hip bone, 

“I love you bug eyes.” Jisung has never laughed so much during sex, but he’s never cried so much either. He cries and he laughs as he flicks Changbin’s beautiful perfect shoulder. He flips him over so he can bite it. It makes Changbin laugh and moan. It’s a good combination for his voice. 

“I love you idiot.” Jisung says into Changbin’s shoulder, and then he licks it, “I love your smell,” he licks the sweat off his neck, “love your voice,” which makes Changbin hum, and Jisung laughs again, but keeps going. He needs to keep going, to tell Changbin every reason he’ll never not need him. “Love your kindness,” he can’t stop crying, “love your music, and your drive, and your nonsense playlists,” Changbin laughs, “and your horrible unsafe driving,” Changbin scoffs and pretends to be offended. Jisung licks his nipple in retaliation, “and everything about your body. Everything.” 

It’s easy after that, easier than breathing, because breaths can hitch, easier than breathing. Easy as laughing. 

When Jisung enters Changbin and Changbin’s thighs squeeze his hips, it’s like something that has never been so secure for Jisung. It’s like certainty, it’s like safety, it’s like home. The urgency comes and goes in waves, sometimes it’s frantic thrusting, but then Jisung sees Changbin’s smile, and he can’t help but lean down and capture his lips in a kiss. Jisung strokes Changbin with him. 

Changbin doesn’t call him any names. He could, and it wouldn't hurt, because Changbin feels like assurance again, but he doesn’t. Instead he just calls Jisung “perfect,” “so amazing,” “baby,” and “bug eyes.” 

Changbin comes with his eyes squeezed shut tight and his mouth open, calling Jisung’s name. Jisung follows soon after, and collapses down onto the mess on Changbin’s stomach. For once, there's no urgency. Jisung pillows his head on Changbin’s muscular chest and listens to his heartbeat, the way it gradually slows down from frantic, to a steady thump. Changbin kisses Jisungs head, and he laughs. 

Later, Jisung makes them get up, only to drag Changbin into his room with more space and softer sheets. Jisung wipes them off with his boxers and pulls him down into his nest of pillows and blankets to lazily bite at Changbin’s shoulders to his heart's content. Hours later and they're still there, looking at Changbin’s twitter feed together. 

TY had posted a video of his performance from Thursday night. 

“I’m still sorry I didn’t get to see you.” 

“It’s okay,” Jisung says, and kisses Changbin’s chest. 

“Next time I’ll be there, I’ll watch and cheer the loudest.” 

“No.” Changbin makes an unhappy noise, “Next time do it with me.” When they kiss it’s sweet, like a summer peach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tag urself im Jisung’s nerdy absentee dad  
> I had TWO (t w o) amazing betas for this behemoth fic, one was my dear friend [Eli](https://twitter.com/BiggBoyParty), and another was assigned to me through the fest, her name was Isa. Isa doesn't have a twitter bc she has sense, but she was a big help and the reason chapter one makes sense! Thank you to the mods for being so helpful, and lenient in giving me an extension!  
> -This fic has a playlist! (actually 2) [This](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2q1D0xJYRqRWH3Fgo2a7ns?si=pYtzz9U2QQqmJ87aShHGSg) is the playlist for the whole fic, and [This](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/05nIh768wEWfLEfil9tOoA?si=3MlzyArmQSa-_MD8x202DQ) is Changbin's oldies mix.  
> -Wow that's a lot of side characters! You are right! Come yell at me on [CuriousCat](https://curiouscat.me/translixie) so i can tell you all about them, their desires and their futures!  
> This is what I based Jisung’s jacket on, but his is even flashier :[x](https://wayoutvintage.com/products/1960s-mens-psychedelic-brown-suede-studded-jacket-coat-groovy-mod-dandy-rock-carnaby-street-hippie-biker-north-beach-leather-era)
> 
> Whats the TY Yuta residence look like? Sort of like this: [ x](https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fvanishingsouthgeorgia.files.wordpress.com%2F2012%2F02%2Fthomasville-ga-gablefront-house-photograph-copyright-brian-brown-vanishing-south-georgia-usa-2012.jpg%3Fw%3D1400&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fvanishingsouthgeorgia.com%2F2012%2F02%2F04%2Fgable-front-house-thomasville%2F&docid=UHtYfBfbWYNHXM&tbnid=VXFWBwPC30Te8M%3A&vet=1&w=640&h=425&itg=1&bih=695&biw=1536&ved=2ahUKEwi-87mvupfoAhVGTd8KHcMpCwIQxiAoAXoECAEQGg&iact=c&ictx=1#h=425&imgdii=rTrjpzv5PQtJbM:&vet=1&w=640)  
> Why does NCT hag line show up so much? Honestly? Because I don’t know that much abt got7 and they needed some young adult role models.  
> My Twitter: [X](https://twitter.com/translixie)

**Author's Note:**

> PSA [CONTRIBUTE PLEASE BLM](https://moreblminfo.carrd.co/)
> 
> Come Yell In My CC About These Idiots [oink oink](https://curiouscat.me/translixie)


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